audio; a very important statement for the entire crew

[skelepun]

[Solemn silence reigns for the first few moments of the broadcast. A shuffle of papers, a clearing of his throat -- or technically, a very good impersonation of it. There's no throat to clear. Anyway.]

Okay, so. I know there's been a lot of back and forth lately, kids. And I don't wanna add to the tension, but as long as we're ripping off band aids? I figure there's no time like the present.

[Another deep breath. Clearly, this is weighing heavily on the guy.]

I'm gonna say a few words that'll mean a lot to you guys. Bran. Oatmeal. Raisins. Words that should never even brush against the word muffin. And yet every Saturday, seems like those are the only muffins I see. I'm not gonna point fingers or anything. I dunno if the blame lies with the people taking the decent pastries or the persons allowing those ingredients to infect perfectly good muffins in the first place, but it's a tragic miscarriage of judgment and for the safety of the crew, I think it's important we all address the massive, raisin dotted elephant in the room.

I'm mean, jeez, guys. There are kids on this ship. What if they mistake them for chocolate chips? We're all responsible if we do nothing. Get it together, Moira.

[Another deep breath. He's said his peace. When he speaks again, it's as if a completely different person is grinning into the mic.]

And hey, as long as we're all here, feel free to air your various grievances too. Y'know, to save the Captains their bandwidth. Let it all out.

Comments

VIDEO

[squadgoals]

[There's a shot of a plate of muffins (mostly blueberry, although there's a few chocolatey-looking ones), before it returns to her face.]

Early bird gets the muffins, Sans. And that bird is me.

text;

[skelepun]

who HURT you?

video

[aerospacecommander]

What.

text;

[skelepun]

have you ever eaten a raisin? i hope for your soul you haven't. it's a nightmare during and for at least two days after.

audio

[saveyourserpent]

Normally, I'll eat just about anything.

But if I see what should be chocolate chips and they are not chocolate chips, this is a problem that needs to be addressed.

Good someone's taking note of the issues.

text;

[skelepun]

this guy knows what i'm talking about.

fight the power with me, pal. we're gonna be raisin hell.

text

[chain_dash]

What are muffins?

[ The metaphor's lost on him. ]

text;

[skelepun]

happiness, mostly. never had one? don't blame you, with the russian roulette we gotta deal with daily around here.

audio;

[gainedlove]

[Frisk is trying really hard not to laugh right now. They're mostly failing.]

I--ehehe! I like raisins!

text;

[skelepun]

well. it's official. you're dead to me, kiddo.

[bosswald]

Last I heard, the other people airing their grievances resulted in the head chef quitting his position, so it doesn't look like anyone will have to worry about muffins for the foreseeable future.

text;

[skelepun]

i'm not entirely convinced it's a solo operation. idk about you, but loki never struck me as the overly health conscious.

someone else is clearly to blame for their relentless, merciless pursuit of betterment on this ship. they gotta be stopped.

sounds like you've got some issues to air of your own though, kid. let 'em out. i expect no less from my assistant.

VIDEO.

[whatdidisay]

That also applies to cookies, just so everyone's aware.

text;

[skelepun]

shit. you're joking, right?

is nothing sacred?

audio

[springlocking]

[It is a sign of Charlie's utter inexperience with the MID that she accidentally turns it on during her gigglefit instead of after. She doesn't realize she did, though. Anyway, after it trails off:]

What about just, I dunno, sorting and labeling the muffins with what kind they are or something? That way folks who hate them can go 'ew yuck' and those who don't can snag them.

text;

[skelepun]

i appreciate the spirit of compromise, but i think we both know the real problem is that they exist at all. i don't make the rules.

video;

[otiosity]

This is a travesty! I can't believe it's gone on for so long without anyone daring to say a word. We must gather everyone to our ranks! Raise the banners, hand out fliers, write extremely lengthy manifestos! And we'll say "We're a people united and won't stand for raisins any longer".

[Well, she won't really be doing anything of the sort but she can get behind the idea of this call-out at least.]

text;

[skelepun]

[It's enough to bring a tear to his eye socket, honestly.]

i can see already you're gonna be invaluable for raisin forces.

video

[pleasereset]

Chocolate chips are the best ones!

text;

[skelepun]

i'm glad to see your mother's raised you right.

video

[notthemaniwas]

[He's new and hasn't had an alcohol yet today so this is weird but at the same time- he's a mutant and there shouldn't be a way to reach 'weird' for him]

Worse, what about the people who purposely mix the raisin and chocolate chip ones in the same group? And just watch from the shadows after.

text;

[skelepun]

i can't even fathom a heart that black. do they not feel love?

text.

[prayed]

[Okay. She doesn't even like this guy, but it's food related and also:]

Now this is the kind of quality posting that the network needs. 🖒

Double Dutch is better.

text;

[skelepun]

i'm not gonna argue with that. a corn muffin dropped on the floor and stomped on is better.

Video

[mttbrandlegs]

You know, you do bring up a good point. And I would like to bring up some complaints in public forum.

Number one: the profiling against robots on this ship is unfair!! It was nice of the captains to allow me to switch jobs, but before that I was floundering in a profession I had no idea how to deal with!!

Number two: How come there's literally almost no one who knows about TV?

Number three: I want to know why muffins are of such import here. Are they good?

text;

[skelepun]

okay but you should probably learn how to change your own batteries tho i'm just saying.

text;

[anytime]

ok i got some grievances
grievances upon grievances even
catalogues of them the likes of which even martha stewart would be flabbergasted by probably because they arent color coordinated but who actually has time for that
which is a grievance within itself i mean do i look like the kind of guy who gives a shit if my bedspread matches the wallpaper
obviously fucking not
in
part because this is text but you get what i mean
anyway before this gripe pile gets any taller
mayo
what purpose does mayo really serve
its always just kind of there on the condiments table but does it actually do anything

text;

[skelepun]

okay i respect a good lead up, but i'm gonna have to stop you right there.

mayo is a gift. it goes in everything. burgers. potato salad. hot chocolate. the m in mayo stands for multi-purpose.

video

[pawpsiclepeddler]

Well, if those are all that's around, no wonder everyone's so stressed around here!

[Is he being sarcastic or not? Who knows.]

Is there nobody around to keep things like that from happening or what?

text;

[skelepun]

you'd think we'd have a failsafe in place to prevent it, but nah. the raisin economy on this ship runs completely unchecked.

[audio;]

[dancingblade]

[this is the most benign looking Stalmaster she's ever seen ... Wait, there is a less than 10% match, comparison terminated.

Fi is trying to make sense of this. Truly she is. But she doesn't even understand the fine difference between bran and oatmeal and aren't raisins simply dried grapes? What's chocolate...?

Oh! Could it be--?]

...

I'm afraid I do not understand.

[no, false alarm]

text;

[skelepun]

i'm not sure i wanna be responsible for introducing you to the grim underbelly of the world, but which part?

audio;

[forfeits]

It would be nice to have something sweet around. Raisins can be pretty gross. And none of that milk stuff, either.

[ Seriously, who eats healthy and who wants to promote bone growth? Not this shorty. ]

It could be so much worse though.

text;

[skelepun]

eugh. don't get me started on milk. speaking of things that should not be.

[Strong bones are for suckers. Suckers who drink milk. His tall and cool brother excluded.]

oh yeah?

video;

[redshitlord]

What's a muffin?

text;

[skelepun]

[Better question:] you tell me what it sounds like it is.

video;

[goodluckkobra]

Wow are you really gettin' picky 'bout food? Some of us were fuckin' starving half to death before we showed up here.

[ Or maybe it's just him and Girl and Cassandra. He doesn't really know. ]

text;

[skelepun]

sure am. this is a deathly serious issue which i am deathly serious about.

[harderfasterwrecker]

'Cons. We've got an infestation.

[And then a beat.]

Plus, who knows the next time I'm going to find a decent bar when we head outta this place because this sodding ship doesn't have anything worth getting fragged on.

[And then, another beat.]

Also, things don't stay dead. Cool sometimes, downright irritating others.

And I can't shoot things as often as I want to.

I didn't bring most of my stuff with me so I had to go shopping.

[And then, finally.]

Doors.

The doors here are short, and they're thin and I'm going to be taking my wings to the medbay before the next orn.

[skelepun]

you'll get used to the not staying dead thing, don't worry. you have my solemn word.

Text

[inruins]

Ah, we are airing grievances are we? Goodness.

Well, I have always wondered why you look like a potato from some angles.

text;

[skelepun]

is that a grievance or praise for my incredible potato impression?

[devilofohara]

What's wrong with raisin muffins? I like raisins.

[Now isn't that just the saddest thing you ever did hear?]

[skelepun]

[Screw the rest of your tragic backstory Robin, this is clearly the pinnacle.]

kiddo, what sort of horrible happenstance occurred that led you to arrive at the 'raisins are okay' conclusion?

audio;

[tearsinajar]

Bran, oatmeal, raisins— those are good things to have in your diet.

They keep you regular.

text;

[skelepun]

[oh dear.]

regularly what? offended?

[dislocked]

[ bucky has a very important, pressing question that's been weighing on his mind ever since the day they first met. it's a thing he's always wanted to ask but felt like it'd be rude. but listen HE'S NOT THE FIRST PERSON TO ASK IT, RIGHT? ]

Do you eat?

[ might as well air this question. ]

[skelepun]

oh, buddy. pal. amigo.

i eat.

video

[gentlemenpreferblondes]

[at first the video shows only darkness but after five seconds or so there's a click-sound as J turns on the desk lamp. Directly under the light there's a plate full of delicious looking muffins and cupcakes. Chocolate chip, white chocolate, blueberry, strawberry. You name it.

The camera focuses on one muffin that's set right in middle of the plate, showing that it in fact has raisins in it. Then a cigarette appears to the screen from above, slowly moving towards the offending pastry. When the burning end of the cigarette finally touches muffin it starts to spin a little, digging in deep until it's past the top and halfway into the core.

Did she just film muffin torture video?]

1/2

[skelepun]

[What in the hell kind of muffin snuff film is this? A snuffin film?

...That would be hilarious if he wasn't filled with vague unease.]