audio; a very important statement for the entire crew

[skelepun]

[Solemn silence reigns for the first few moments of the broadcast. A shuffle of papers, a clearing of his throat -- or technically, a very good impersonation of it. There's no throat to clear. Anyway.]

Okay, so. I know there's been a lot of back and forth lately, kids. And I don't wanna add to the tension, but as long as we're ripping off band aids? I figure there's no time like the present.

[Another deep breath. Clearly, this is weighing heavily on the guy.]

I'm gonna say a few words that'll mean a lot to you guys. Bran. Oatmeal. Raisins. Words that should never even brush against the word muffin. And yet every Saturday, seems like those are the only muffins I see. I'm not gonna point fingers or anything. I dunno if the blame lies with the people taking the decent pastries or the persons allowing those ingredients to infect perfectly good muffins in the first place, but it's a tragic miscarriage of judgment and for the safety of the crew, I think it's important we all address the massive, raisin dotted elephant in the room.

I'm mean, jeez, guys. There are kids on this ship. What if they mistake them for chocolate chips? We're all responsible if we do nothing. Get it together, Moira.

[Another deep breath. He's said his peace. When he speaks again, it's as if a completely different person is grinning into the mic.]

And hey, as long as we're all here, feel free to air your various grievances too. Y'know, to save the Captains their bandwidth. Let it all out.

Comments

[skelepun]

noted right back, pal. can i ask what sorta race you are, if it's not human and not monster?

(monsters what i am, bee-tee-dubs. as long as you're making notes.)

[dancingblade]

[well, considering some people might consider Mogmas beasts, perhaps she shouldn't be... too harsh on those calling themselves monsters aboard the Moira. After all, that Stalfos that had interrupted Link's training session had seem benign]

I am a spirit guide, created along with a sacred blade. The designation I was assigned is 'Fi'.

... 'Bee-tee-dubs'?

[But this monster's speech was definitely peculiar]

[skelepun]

stands for 'by the way.' a little shorthand we like to use in the modern age.

something tells me ancient sacred spirit guides probably ain't that up on all the hot new trends.

[dancingblade]

[... processing... processing...]

The terminology used between crew members has been an interesting puzzle to parse. Being unfamiliar with the sort of technology aboard has also proved to be an unanticipated hurdle.

Yet your shorthand appears to take more time to write than the term it replaces. Would it not be more productive to simply write words as they are?

[skelepun]

well, i guess, if you'd like to get technical. but yanno, there's more to life than brevity.

unless you're in a rush. ;P

[dancingblade]

Another attempt at humour. Would this be your preferred method of passing time?

...

I am not certain I am the target audience your brand of humour requires.

[skelepun]

is that 'polite spirit' for 'you ain't funny, bub'?

[dancingblade]

[yes

maybe?]

As previously stated, I was not created with the ability to understand the human spirit, of which 'humour' is a facet. Nonetheless, I do not mean to offend.

[

...

That's probably a 'yes']

[skelepun]

[Ouch.]

it's okay, no offense taken. i've got no heart to break.

[dancingblade]

I understand that there are a great variety of monsters that exist. Such was the case in my world, though I can only surmise that there is a 20% probably of it being the same in your world. Regardless...

The only types of monsters that I am aware of that lack a heart are those that may be classified as 'undead'. May I ask what sort of monster you are?

[if she could sound genuinely curious, now would be the time. But she can't, so her monotone (musical?) delivery remains the same as it was when she shot down his joke]

[skelepun]

well, i'm a skeleton, if that helps clarify things. though i'm very much alive.

for the moment, anyway.

[dancingblade]

Classification falls under the 'stal' type monsters. Though I regret to say that I have never encountered one that spoke before arriving aboard the Moira.

[she's usually cutting them down to size- wait what]

It would be much more peculiar if you were not alive. Though your last statement carries an unfortunate implication... Do you foresee your own end in the near future?

[skelepun]

[Damn, cutting right to the quick. Guess 'cutting' makes sense for a sword person.]

well, sure. why, don't you?

[dancingblade]

[you are only experience a slice of what she has to offer]

My destruction is highly improbable. The role I was given as the Blade of Evil's Bane requires a continued existence. No doubt I will revert to my previous state upon returning home.

[skelepun]

that must be nice. or super boring. i can't say i've ever known an eternal blade.

don't you ever just, i dunno. wanna play a game of parcheesi and take a nap, or is it always banishing evil all the time?

[dancingblade]

Negative.

It is apparent that clarification is needed.

Allow me to repeat: as my contract with the Goddess' chosen champion has been dissolved, I am to remain asleep within the sword for eternity. The ability to banish evil is passive and does not require any form of awareness.

...

But I am unfamiliar with this 'game of parcheesi' that you have mentioned.

[skelepun]

truth be told, so am i. about parcheesi, i mean. i just read the name in a book and thought it sounded funny.

so, uh... i gotta ask. are you saying you should be sleeping right now or that you are asleep right now?

[dancingblade]

... I see. [no she doesn't but decides that this is simply a quirk of this particular stalfos]

I am meant to be asleep at this moment. Were I in the realm of origin, then we would not be having this conversation.

[because then she'd just be a sword. If she emoted, she would probably sound like someone reiterating the obvious to a much slower compatriot. But Fi has no real emotions and so her inflection continues in it's steady measure]

However, the Ingress has felt it necessary to return me to a state of consciousness. Why that is remains undetermined, but the role I was given by her Grace, the Goddess, no longer applies here. Based on the system in place, I am a 'counterintelligence officer' though I have yet to properly ascertain what it is I am meant to do.

[skelepun]

hold up, hold up. here i was thinking you were locked into this sword business.

you're your own person now, fi! you could do whatever you want. haven't you ever had any curiosities or idk selfish whims?

[dancingblade]

That was not my purpose. I am a servant of her Grace and the guide for her champion. There wasn't much need for such frivolities and much of the world's peculiarities were included in my database at the time of my creation.

... Selfishness is not a desirable quality. My existence is for the sake of the Hero and her Grace.

[moments like these, having someone who could emote would probably help this conversation immensely. As it stands... It's hard to tell if Sans made any sort of impression on her. Nonetheless, these are questions she's never been asked (or thought to ask) even if her answer seems to have been pre-planned]

[skelepun]

suit yourself, i guess. but selfishness is vastly underrated.

everyone deserves a break.

[dancingblade]

[she's got an eternity of sleep in front of her Sans... A break is the last thing on her itinerary]

Thank you for your time, Sans. It would seem that your attempt to bolster the crew's morale has been met with some success... However, the chance of you being able to procure a raisin free muffin following this might have dropped significantly if some individual's responses are to be used as examples.

Nonetheless, I pray for your success in your pursuit of ever sweeter pastries. If not for yourself, then at least for the children.

[... Is this a joke? Is she making fun of him? Who even knows]

[skelepun]

[For the sake of a little personality, Sans very much hopes she is.]

your encouragement warms the cockles of my heart, fi.

if i had one, ofc.