thisavrou | audio; a very important statement for the entire crew

[Solemn silence reigns for the first few moments of the broadcast. A shuffle of papers, a clearing of his throat -- or technically, a very good impersonation of it. There's no throat to clear. Anyway.]

Okay, so. I know there's been a lot of back and forth lately, kids. And I don't wanna add to the tension, but as long as we're ripping off band aids? I figure there's no time like the present.

[Another deep breath. Clearly, this is weighing heavily on the guy.]

I'm gonna say a few words that'll mean a lot to you guys. Bran. Oatmeal. Raisins. Words that should never even brush against the word muffin. And yet every Saturday, seems like those are the only muffins I see. I'm not gonna point fingers or anything. I dunno if the blame lies with the people taking the decent pastries or the persons allowing those ingredients to infect perfectly good muffins in the first place, but it's a tragic miscarriage of judgment and for the safety of the crew, I think it's important we all address the massive, raisin dotted elephant in the room.

I'm mean, jeez, guys. There are kids on this ship. What if they mistake them for chocolate chips? We're all responsible if we do nothing. Get it together, Moira.

[Another deep breath. He's said his peace. When he speaks again, it's as if a completely different person is grinning into the mic.]

And hey, as long as we're all here, feel free to air your various grievances too. Y'know, to save the Captains their bandwidth. Let it all out.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[at first the video shows only darkness but after five seconds or so there's a click-sound as J turns on the desk lamp. Directly under the light there's a plate full of delicious looking muffins and cupcakes. Chocolate chip, white chocolate, blueberry, strawberry. You name it.

The camera focuses on one muffin that's set right in middle of the plate, showing that it in fact has raisins in it. Then a cigarette appears to the screen from above, slowly moving towards the offending pastry. When the burning end of the cigarette finally touches muffin it starts to spin a little, digging in deep until it's past the top and halfway into the core.

Did she just film muffin torture video?]

[What in the hell kind of muffin snuff film is this? A snuffin film?

...That would be hilarious if he wasn't filled with vague unease.]

Edited 2016-06-07 07:52 (UTC)

i'm glad you're on the right side of history here, sweetheart, but remind me to never get on your bad side.

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