Memoir One ✓ video

[hawkethat]

[The video opens on the face of a handsome man in possession of a truly magnificent beard. He hesitates for a brief second until he's sure the device is working, then flashes a charming grin.]

This is a really strange question, but I'm going to ask it anyway:

Does anyone have any ideas about the best way to befriend oneself? Multiple attempts at striking up a friendly conversation have ended in vomit and tears, so I'm kind of at a loss.

I warned you not to try and pick me up after I’d been drinking. I hope when you go to the bar you don’t literally pick anyone up.

...And there were no tears.

[The camera shifts to as the man looks at a thin woman with dark hair and light eyes, playing idly with her TAB. This is Marian Hawke as many know her. Unlike the man who’s grinning, she mostly looks like she’s bewildered at how she got into this situation and how best to get out of it. Despite the different expressions, however, the resemblance between them is distinct.]

Normally I'd take them out for a few drinks and then maybe stumble over to a brothel, but that seems a little...eh, I dunno, is "incestuous" the right word, here? Or would "masturbatory" be more appropriate?

“Masturbatory”, definitely.

[Is the lady Hawke’s vote.]

Let’s not disrespect biology by going with "incestuous". Though you can buy me another drink all the same. I never turn down a gift.

Hmm...I was leaning that way too, honestly. Still, awkward.

[Here he pauses again to flash another charming grin at the TAB, and also wink conspiratorially.]

Thanks in advance for any advice!

Oh, I can’t wait to see what the people come up with. Hopefully it involves more drinking.

[She just… shakes her head and glances at the sky, wondering what she did to deserve this.]

Comments

[neverheardofhim]

[What a sight to behold. After everything he's dealt with between the two of them (or rather, heard Marian spew -- Garrett seemed to be the better mannered of the two, but whether he was just playing nice was anyone's guess), it seemed a miracle to catch them in the same frame together.]

[Not to mention altogether hilarious.]

[Enjoy that raucous laugh, Garrett. It's going to last a good five minutes. Probably.]

Find something in common. Any asshole brothers or, hell, drunken brothel escapades you two might have gone through? [A pause.] I expect any and all answers to be filmed. For research purposes.

[hawkethat]

[He will absolutely enjoy that raucous laugh - that is the laugh of his very best friend, and it has been much missed in the recent past.]

Asshole brothers having drunken brothel escapades, now there's a memory I'd like to burn from my mind, thank you so much for reminding me, Varric.

[He knows that's not what Varric meant but it's one of the first things his friend's suggestion brought to mind, sadly.

Oh, Carver.]

"Recording", pff. If you want to research you're just going to have to come down here and join us in person, I'm afraid.

[otiosity]

Traitor.

[You're being a very rude little man right now Varric! You're supposed to have her back! Not this guy's hairy back.]

Besides, having things in common isn't always the basis for a friendship. People like to joke I'm catlike and yet-[She waves a hand indicating that's a ridiculous notion.]

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[forgeabettertomorrow]

Yeah, my vote is always for 'more drinking.'

Especially when it comes to 'knowing oneself.'

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[hawkethat]

Great! That's three votes for more drinking, now! It's always good to have a consensus on these things - makes the inevitable hangover more worthwhile.

[otiosity]

How many drinks does it take to get to know a male version of yourself? Is there research done on the subject? Or perhaps start a betting pool.

[tearmeanewone]

[Next thing you know, she'll be looking at two quantum redheads.]

I'm going to be the voice of dissent here and suggest that more drinking will produce the same result, with potential for increasingly worse results.

I think you may be assuming that you have everything in common with one another-- aside from the... obvious difference. But the two of you have most likely had some separate experiences and developed as people differently. So I wouldn't treat it as 'getting to know yourself' at all. Just... an extremely similar person.

[hawkethat]

[See this face, Elizabeth? This is the face of complete, utter confusion - because:]

I'll have you know that drinking has never made anything worse in my entire life!

[That's a lie.]

...That aside for the moment, though, it sounds like you have some experience with, uh, this sort of thing? Care to share?

[otiosity]

We can't be all that similar. I do have some semblance of good taste. Just a-

[Makes a small gesture with her fingers.]

Though it sounds like you've done this before. Did you meet a double and get drunk? Hopefully you didn't do anything masturbatory.

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[tearsinajar]

[ PURSING LIPS.............

Masturbatory.

Thinking. Processing.

Nadda.

Moments later: ]

Nope. I'm at a loss.

[otiosity]

Good.

I'd suggest closing the TAB and pretending you never saw this unfortunate scenario attempting to play out before your very eyes.

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[hawkethat]

[Aw.]

That makes two of us, then.

[SHRUG]

Oh, well...I can't really say I'm surprised. This is definitely one of the weirdest situations I've ever encountered, and believe me, I've seen a few things.

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[sketchycharacter]

Blow something up together. It's great for bonding.

[otiosity]

I only blow things up with the most special people. The nearest and dearest to my heart.

[hawkethat]

[Oof, explosions, no thanks. The last one he dealt with is still far, far too fresh in his mind for comfort.]

Iiiiiii'm not much of an "explosives" fan. If we're talking property damage, I'd rather stick with something easier to contain, like arson.

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[squadgoals]

I was in a very similar situation, and tried just about everything — nothing worked.

[beat;]

Then it turned out she was my clone, raised to hate, kill, and replace me. Didn't take it so hard, after that.

[There's a moment of pause as she frowns, bemused in reflection, before her expression lightens.] Anyway. How about drinks, and truth or dare? The only stipulation being that none of the dares can involve touching each other.

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[hawkethat]

[He takes a breath to respond, pauses, and lets it out thoughtfully, before inhaling once more to try again.]

That sounds like quite the story.

Come on down, I'll even stand your first round.

[Says the man who's painfully aware that his pocketbook is being drunk dry by his current companion. Still, can't hurt to be friendly, right? Right!]

[otiosity]

I knew there was a basis to my theories that he was an evil and much less attractive and charming version of myself.

[She snorts. If only.]

We're already drinking, at least.

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[redshitlord]

... What's 'masturbatory' even mean, man?

[HI HAWKES.]

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[hawkethat]

[Aww, Sideswipe, buddy, time to learn you some facts of life!]

It's the act of touching your own junk for sexual pleasure. Can be done solo or with a friend!

[otiosity]

It's what people like him do when they can't find anyone to go home with them at the bar.

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[nicearsenal]

Um... little bit lost here. Why are we talking about incest and masturbation? I mean, I can understand the whole masturbation angle if we're talking self love but I'm not sure what that's got to do with anything.

[Explain please, you guys are pretty but also weird. Pretty weird.]

[hawkethat]

Because we have the same parents, but we're not siblings. I'm her, and she's me, so you can see why there's some confusion with the terminology.

[Hawke, no, that was as clear as mud.]

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[flynnitomite]

I don't entirely understand what's going on here but it sounds a bit kinky.

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[hawkethat]

Oh, it's definitely more than just "a bit" kinky.

Except it's more nausea-inducing than it is fun, so that's a pretty big problem.

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[gentlemenpreferblondes]

Honestly if I were you I'd be more careful with drinking more. She has awful habit of throwing up on others and then falling asleep.

Oh, she drools and snores too.

[otiosity]

In my defense, I warned everyone what was about to happen. From there, it was up to them to decide if they were going to risk it or get out of the way.

And the snoring isn't my fault. I suffer from hay fever. Show some sympathy.