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Memoir One ✓ video
[The video opens on the face of a handsome man in possession of a truly magnificent beard. He hesitates for a brief second until he's sure the device is working, then flashes a charming grin.]
[The camera shifts to as the man looks at a thin woman with dark hair and light eyes, playing idly with her TAB. This is Marian Hawke as many know her. Unlike the man who’s grinning, she mostly looks like she’s bewildered at how she got into this situation and how best to get out of it. Despite the different expressions, however, the resemblance between them is distinct.]
[Is the lady Hawke’s vote.]
[Here he pauses again to flash another charming grin at the TAB, and also wink conspiratorially.]
[She just… shakes her head and glances at the sky, wondering what she did to deserve this.]
This is a really strange question, but I'm going to ask it anyway:
Does anyone have any ideas about the best way to befriend oneself? Multiple attempts at striking up a friendly conversation have ended in vomit and tears, so I'm kind of at a loss.
Does anyone have any ideas about the best way to befriend oneself? Multiple attempts at striking up a friendly conversation have ended in vomit and tears, so I'm kind of at a loss.
I warned you not to try and pick me up after I’d been drinking. I hope when you go to the bar you don’t literally pick anyone up.
...And there were no tears.
...And there were no tears.
[The camera shifts to as the man looks at a thin woman with dark hair and light eyes, playing idly with her TAB. This is Marian Hawke as many know her. Unlike the man who’s grinning, she mostly looks like she’s bewildered at how she got into this situation and how best to get out of it. Despite the different expressions, however, the resemblance between them is distinct.]
Normally I'd take them out for a few drinks and then maybe stumble over to a brothel, but that seems a little...eh, I dunno, is "incestuous" the right word, here? Or would "masturbatory" be more appropriate?
“Masturbatory”, definitely.
[Is the lady Hawke’s vote.]
Let’s not disrespect biology by going with "incestuous". Though you can buy me another drink all the same. I never turn down a gift.
Hmm...I was leaning that way too, honestly. Still, awkward.
[Here he pauses again to flash another charming grin at the TAB, and also wink conspiratorially.]
Thanks in advance for any advice!
Oh, I can’t wait to see what the people come up with. Hopefully it involves more drinking.
[She just… shakes her head and glances at the sky, wondering what she did to deserve this.]
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[HI HAWKES.]
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It's the act of touching your own junk for sexual pleasure. Can be done solo or with a friend!
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Who's the other human with you?
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Somehow I'm not surprised.
[Moving right along, then.]
She's me, from an alternate universe where I'm an astonishingly beautiful yet surprisingly cranky woman. I've been trying to become friends but haven't had much luck so far.
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[Ouch, man.]
... whoa. That can happen? [Give him a second--] Oh! Wait! Show her your dog!
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It means that I'm not surprised, given that you just asked what masturbation was. Do you really want a full explanation?
[Bro, he's not making fun of you, come on, now. :c]
I did. She has one, too. It didn't make much difference.
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... wait so there's two dogs like that? How does she not think that's cool?
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And if the answer is "no, you don't," then...I dunno.
[TBH he'd rather talk about dogs with his little big buddy, rather than. Sex.
It's that baby brother vibe Sideswipe throws off, again.]
There are, indeed, two dogs like that. She likes my dog, but other than that he's really not been much of an ice-breaker.
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[No, Sideswipe, it's not.]
Does... she not like dogs? 'Cause man, I just met yours, and I like him.
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Kind of, but even more intense.
And nah, she loves dogs, same as me. It's just me she's not crazy about.
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That's dumb. You're cool.
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You can, yeah, if you both like each other enough.
[Hawke's certainly not going to be the one to tell you otherwise...or to ask any potentially awkward and/or mind-scarring questions.]
Not everyone has taste as good as yours and mine, sadly. It's just the way of the world. Or. Universe, I guess.
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[Well that started out in a nice silly place, but then it took a right turn into sad.]
Yeah but. What's not to like? If she just met you and all.
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[Oh, no, Sideswipe. D:]
Weeeell, I think part of it is because I look so much like our father. She actually thought I was him, when she first saw me. I don't think she's quite forgiven me for not being him. And, I mean, I can't really blame her. If I were her I'd wish I were our father, too.
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[SHRUG. You can figure out what comes next, right Hawke?]
Oh. Humans look like... fathers?
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Some look like their fathers, yeah. Some look like their mothers. Others don't much resemble either parent.
[...Do giant robots have parents. :|a]
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[That's still stinging.]
And... she thought you were... your dad? Did he have face fur too?
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The bar? Or the going home? Do we need to work this back?
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Geez.
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We're off to a good start then.
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So if you're at the bar and fail to charm anyone to come home with you to have sex with, you just have to do it with yourself.
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...
Sex?