Memoir One ✓ video

[hawkethat]

[The video opens on the face of a handsome man in possession of a truly magnificent beard. He hesitates for a brief second until he's sure the device is working, then flashes a charming grin.]

This is a really strange question, but I'm going to ask it anyway:

Does anyone have any ideas about the best way to befriend oneself? Multiple attempts at striking up a friendly conversation have ended in vomit and tears, so I'm kind of at a loss.

I warned you not to try and pick me up after I’d been drinking. I hope when you go to the bar you don’t literally pick anyone up.

...And there were no tears.

[The camera shifts to as the man looks at a thin woman with dark hair and light eyes, playing idly with her TAB. This is Marian Hawke as many know her. Unlike the man who’s grinning, she mostly looks like she’s bewildered at how she got into this situation and how best to get out of it. Despite the different expressions, however, the resemblance between them is distinct.]

Normally I'd take them out for a few drinks and then maybe stumble over to a brothel, but that seems a little...eh, I dunno, is "incestuous" the right word, here? Or would "masturbatory" be more appropriate?

“Masturbatory”, definitely.

[Is the lady Hawke’s vote.]

Let’s not disrespect biology by going with "incestuous". Though you can buy me another drink all the same. I never turn down a gift.

Hmm...I was leaning that way too, honestly. Still, awkward.

[Here he pauses again to flash another charming grin at the TAB, and also wink conspiratorially.]

Thanks in advance for any advice!

Oh, I can’t wait to see what the people come up with. Hopefully it involves more drinking.

[She just… shakes her head and glances at the sky, wondering what she did to deserve this.]

Comments

[flynnitomite]

Maker of what?

[otiosity]

The creator of everything in our world, the Fade, me, magic, nugs, dragons. There's more detail but I've never really listened to the listened to the Chantry. Though, if they have a "if you ever meet a double of yourself he'll never be attracted to you so to spare you that traumatizing experience" line in the Chant of Light... I'll become a believer.

[flynnitomite]

Absolutely nothing in that sentence made any sort of sense. Have you been having a toke or something?

[He mimes a smoking gesture.]

[otiosity]

Oh, I hope so. Maybe this is all a bad dream and I'm really rolling about on the grass in a park half naked and yelling nonsense.

[flynnitomite]

[He chuckles]

I'll second you on that one, love. But seriously what do dragons have to do with contemplating shagging your ... twin brother?

[Look he's not the most observant at the best of times, the fact that he worked this much out is a minor miracle.]

[otiosity]

Not my twin brother, me. Me with a cock and an unkempt beard that I'm not hallucinating on a herb high. As for dragons, well, we've both fought dragons. Which is a pity, I wouldn't mind seeing a dragon have a go at him.

[flynnitomite]

That's a load of bloody nonsense. You're you. He's him. That's just how it works, yeah?

[This is a man who can't parse pop culture references about his own name, much less existentialism.]

[otiosity]

Hmmm.

I much prefer your take on things. I'll substitute that instead for the realities that I'm struggling to accept.

[flynnitomite]

As will I. Good job that's sorted, then.

[otiosity]

Indeed.

I'll drink one in your honor.

[She raises a glass to him.]

[flynnitomite]

Hold on to that, Not-You seems keen on having me over for drinks.

[otiosity]

Oh boy.

We're having a real party over here.

[flynnitomite]

It'll be fun.

[otiosity]

That's what my friend said before we wandered into a giant spider's next.

[flynnitomite]

Giant spiders? Were you on holiday in Australia or somethin'?

[otiosity]

No, just outside of the city walls on Sundermount.

[flynnitomite]

Ah right, of course.

[It's patently obvious that she has no idea what she's talking about, but he's also a little confused because "Sundermount" certainly sounds like a place that could exist.]

[otiosity]

...So it sounds like giant spiders aren't something you run into if you take a step too far off the path where you're from?

Fancy that.

[flynnitomite]

Well that depends. Not so many giant spiders in London or Santa Monica but I've been around and shaken some pretty nasty things out of my boots in the morning.

[otiosity]

The ones at Sundermount are nearly as big as my dog. Which is-[She indicates her roughly at her ribs.] And the queen is twice me. The little ones you have to watch out for, though. Poisonous little buggers. I'd say they ought to be avoided and yet they always seem to show up when you're just trying to have a fun adventure.

[flynnitomite]

Right, never visiting that place then. No offense.

[otiosity]

Oh, none taken. It's a shithole.

[flynnitomite]

I'm sure it builds character.