Memoir One ✓ video

[hawkethat]

[The video opens on the face of a handsome man in possession of a truly magnificent beard. He hesitates for a brief second until he's sure the device is working, then flashes a charming grin.]

This is a really strange question, but I'm going to ask it anyway:

Does anyone have any ideas about the best way to befriend oneself? Multiple attempts at striking up a friendly conversation have ended in vomit and tears, so I'm kind of at a loss.

I warned you not to try and pick me up after I’d been drinking. I hope when you go to the bar you don’t literally pick anyone up.

...And there were no tears.

[The camera shifts to as the man looks at a thin woman with dark hair and light eyes, playing idly with her TAB. This is Marian Hawke as many know her. Unlike the man who’s grinning, she mostly looks like she’s bewildered at how she got into this situation and how best to get out of it. Despite the different expressions, however, the resemblance between them is distinct.]

Normally I'd take them out for a few drinks and then maybe stumble over to a brothel, but that seems a little...eh, I dunno, is "incestuous" the right word, here? Or would "masturbatory" be more appropriate?

“Masturbatory”, definitely.

[Is the lady Hawke’s vote.]

Let’s not disrespect biology by going with "incestuous". Though you can buy me another drink all the same. I never turn down a gift.

Hmm...I was leaning that way too, honestly. Still, awkward.

[Here he pauses again to flash another charming grin at the TAB, and also wink conspiratorially.]

Thanks in advance for any advice!

Oh, I can’t wait to see what the people come up with. Hopefully it involves more drinking.

[She just… shakes her head and glances at the sky, wondering what she did to deserve this.]

Comments

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[tearsinajar]

[ PURSING LIPS.............

Masturbatory.

Thinking. Processing.

Nadda.

Moments later: ]

Nope. I'm at a loss.

[otiosity]

Good.

I'd suggest closing the TAB and pretending you never saw this unfortunate scenario attempting to play out before your very eyes.

[tearsinajar]

So wait, why is this masturbatory? Are you...? Is he...?

[ Propping her TAB back so she can make the finger in hole gesture, brows lifting high. ]

[otiosity]

[WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN. YOU'RE A TERRIBLE MOTHER.

So she's just gonna face palm and down a shot. IS THAT AN ANSWER.]

[tearsinajar]

Are you drinking right now? Alone?

[ Giving her a tone, you bet she is. ]

[otiosity]

No.

He's here.

...Though, that might count as alone if you want to think about it far too hard.

[Taking Garrett's TAB and using to charge another drink before putting it back to the side.]

[tearsinajar]

That's sad. You should've called me to drink with you. I'm a little hurt right now, Hawke.

[otiosity]

I wanted to spare you from having to witness this horrible interaction.

[tearsinajar]

I've seen and been apart of a lot worse, this is kittens' play. Are we charging the drinks to his TAB?

[otiosity]

Most definitely. I'm taking it upon myself to be an adult and saving for our house and things in a house that cost money!

[tearsinajar]

Oh, adulting. Almost forgot about that. So where am I going?

[otiosity]

Some hole in the wall in the fifth district. Find the dirtiest street, take a left and then a right and there you are at this dive. Though I really have to warn you against it. There's going to be sarcastic and highly personal jabs, awkward references to long passed family members, and probably some vomit.

[tearsinajar]

[ A deep breath, she's already on the move. ]

Awkward references to passed family members, I can deal with that. As for the vomit, well, it's a good thing you don't have long hair. And those jabbing remarks, I'll sip to.

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[hawkethat]

[Aw.]

That makes two of us, then.

[SHRUG]

Oh, well...I can't really say I'm surprised. This is definitely one of the weirdest situations I've ever encountered, and believe me, I've seen a few things.

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[tearsinajar]

So then what does this mean?

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[hawkethat]

Hm.

[He pauses to frown thoughtfully into his glass, before looking back at the TAB.]

Probably that I haven't drunk enough yet.

[tearsinajar]

I can come help you with that. I'm actually on my way there as we speak. Moral support for, uh, Hawke.

[ The other one. ]

[hawkethat]

Oh? You must be the person she was offering to use my money to buy drinks for, then.

[He's not particularly bothered by the other Hawke spending all his money, though, so his remark is just a friendly observation.]

[tearsinajar]

That would be me. Elena Fisher, good to meet you, Mr. ...?

[hawkethat]

Hawke. Just Hawke, please, I already feel old, and honorifics just make it worse.

It's lovely to make your acquaintance, Elena Fisher. [He concludes with a charming smile and a flirtatious wink.]

[tearsinajar]

You don't look that old. Have you tried losing the face scruff?

[ Oh, oh she sees that wink, sir. ]

Let's leave it at Elena. Also, you might change your tune when you meet me in person.

[hawkethat]

Well, aren't you a flatterer.

[Elena, pls.]

But, nah, if I shave it off it'll be half grown back within a day. It's just easier to maintain this way. Also less prickly.

[It's rough being a bear, sometimes. But, genetics. What can you do?]

Alright, Elena. But what makes you say that?

[tearsinajar]

I know someone who would laugh in disagreement about that.

Ah, yes, the five o'clock shadow. I hear it's a pain to try and maintain. Like leg hair for us women.

[ Less prickly but likely makes for a nice beard burn. ]

Ask my husband.

[hawkethat]

[He grins outright at that remark.]

Oh? Have you just used up your flattery quota for the foreseeable future on me? I almost hate to say it, but...I'm flattered.

[Hahaha, what a witty jackass. Please don't mind him, Elena. :'D]

And, okay, I'll bite. Female leg hair needs to be maintained? This is the first I've heard of it.

[What a joy to be from a medieval fantasy land of dragons and sorcery, where shaving is done pretty much exclusively by men who don't like maintaining facial hair.]

[tearsinajar]

For the year? Yes, yes I did. Everyone gets at least 15ml of flattery. Looks like you're out.

It doesn't need to be. It's by choice. Same with underarm hair and-- well-- any kind of hair.

[ This is going to make for an interesting topic while they enjoy some drinks. ]

Hold that thought for when I get there.