text | pancho vanilla

[beeped]

have you seen this baby godzilla?

[There's a photo of a small, mini-Compsognathus. It's clearly a young one, barely the size of a chick.]

now you have and he's the cutest fucking thing and i'm keeping him forever. i saved him from all that grey water, it was such a shitty situation.

anyway, the thing is that little teddie here isn't like littlefoot and doesn't give a shit about tree stars

so what's a fella to do? i tried the soylent crap and he got kinda bored with it. i figure he must like the taste of people directly and not processed or whatever. does anyone have a bug or mouse problem? teddie is down to be pimped out for live eats. or i at least think he might like that better.

also if anyone's got stuff i can use for a leash and collar let me know. if he's anything like me i'm going to need it

Comments

[clussy]

HOW.

No hugs or sharing a bed for at least a week.

[beeped]

teddie is tiny and cute, you're tiny and cute. teddie makes these squeaky screeching noises, you


don't take that away from me

[clussy]

(Will he ever stop blushing? Probably not.)

I definitely grew an inch since being here. I am slowly not being tiny.

(........


God damn it.)

Okay no hugs for the rest of today.

[beeped]

i'd watch it if i were you
i dunno if we can be friends if you're taller than me


[OH. Oh no. This is the worst.]


eeeeeeeeeeeeeddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[clussy]

That would be the dream. Unfortunately, I looked pretty short in the visions so you're probably gonna be looking down on me for forever.


Yes Richie

[beeped]

that's what i've always wanted






don't do me like this do you want me to become a raisin

[clussy]

Really. That's it? Just me being short?


I doubt you'd become a raisin.

[beeped]

yeah totally
that and me, you, forever all being in the same sentence

do you really want to risk it

[clussy]

I guess I could get behind that sentiment.



Hmm depends. If you're a raisin, does that mean you stop talking forever?

[beeped]

it'd be awkward if you didn't

no my voice drops several octaves and i sound all croaky

[clussy]

It'd be more than awkward.


What if I like deep voices though?

[beeped]

catastrophically devastating

you really want me to suffer so you can get off on me sounding like mr rogers?

[clussy]

You're a goon.

I don't even know who that is.

[beeped]

old man with button up cardigans but that's not the point

[clussy]

Gross I don't like old men.

private

[beeped]

what do you like then? slightly less old? big buff lifeguards with weird accents?

[Look, he can make jokes and still be respectful of Eddie's privacy.]

private

[clussy]

(Eddie somehow feels like something is happening here, or being said without being said, but he doesn't make himself think too much about it.)

I wouldn't say big buff lifeguards but who doesnt like a guy that can pick them up?

Mostly though I just like guys my own age who are really stupid. The stupider the better. Like Im talking stupid as a literal trashcan.

private

[beeped]

[Richie's staring at the text for a long moment, frowning.]

huh. well that's surprising. your standards might be too low

[He's fucking clueless.]

private

[clussy]

(Point in case.)

Why's it surprising? My standards arent low.

Guys who are dumb enough to throw themselves into danger for my sake are pretty awesome.

private

[beeped]

but you're so great that you need a guy who'd do more than that
obviously he needs to protect you! because you're fucking awesome and worth protecting and being in this world
but also if he's really stupid he won't be able to keep up with you and then you'd get bored

private

[clussy]

You seem to have a pretty good idea of what I deserve so why don't you tell me?

1. Smart enough to keep up with me.
2. Will protect me.

private

[beeped]

3. someone who is nice and kind
4. he's gotta remind you that you aren't sick but also take care of you when you are sick
5. he needs to make you happy
6. he needs to make you laugh because you laughter blesses the fucking universe
7. he has to grow up to have a good job and a lot of money. not in the asshole way but in the you deserve the best way
8. supermodel level hot
9. must be able to open pickle jars
10. he has to get along with all of us because i'll fucking fight him if he takes up too much of your time and we stop being friends

private

[clussy]

(Eddie can feel his face burning, and as he stares at the list, a very distinct picture comes to mind. He is suddenly very grateful that they are doing this through text.)

I don't think you need to worry about 10. Even though we got people coming in from all throughout the universe I really don't think there's gonna be a single person I meet that I'm ever gonna love more than I love you.

(And the other Losers, of course, but well.)

And you're really stupid for thinking I'd ever stop being friends with you for even a second. We promised, didn't we?

private

[beeped]

[Richie's as dense as ever, but it's for the best at this point anyway.]

i know we promised but it had to go onto the list anyway
because it's important and if someone ever tried to fuck it up i'd be getting out my boxing gloves

i need to get boxing gloves

i love you too, eddie. you're the best goddamn friend i could ask for and you need all the good and best things okay
but don't go telling the others or they'll tool on me again

private

[clussy]

(See: Eddie liking stupid.)

I wouldn't want to be with anyone who tried fucking up my friendships with any of you. That wouldn't be cool. I'd get out boxing gloves with you.

Please don't get boxing gloves.

You're my best friend too and you deserve really nice things too, you know.
Uh huh sure thing Richie. But in their defense you're really easy to tool on