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have you seen this baby godzilla?

[There's a photo of a small, mini-Compsognathus. It's clearly a young one, barely the size of a chick.]

now you have and he's the cutest fucking thing and i'm keeping him forever. i saved him from all that grey water, it was such a shitty situation.

anyway, the thing is that little teddie here isn't like littlefoot and doesn't give a shit about tree stars

so what's a fella to do? i tried the soylent crap and he got kinda bored with it. i figure he must like the taste of people directly and not processed or whatever. does anyone have a bug or mouse problem? teddie is down to be pimped out for live eats. or i at least think he might like that better.

also if anyone's got stuff i can use for a leash and collar let me know. if he's anything like me i'm going to need it

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

(Eddie somehow feels like something is happening here, or being said without being said, but he doesn't make himself think too much about it.)

I wouldn't say big buff lifeguards but who doesnt like a guy that can pick them up?

Mostly though I just like guys my own age who are really stupid. The stupider the better. Like Im talking stupid as a literal trashcan.

[Richie's staring at the text for a long moment, frowning.]

huh. well that's surprising. your standards might be too low

[He's fucking clueless.]

(Point in case.)

Why's it surprising? My standards arent low.

Guys who are dumb enough to throw themselves into danger for my sake are pretty awesome.

but you're so great that you need a guy who'd do more than that
obviously he needs to protect you! because you're fucking awesome and worth protecting and being in this world
but also if he's really stupid he won't be able to keep up with you and then you'd get bored

Edited 2018-01-13 02:42 (UTC)

You seem to have a pretty good idea of what I deserve so why don't you tell me?

1. Smart enough to keep up with me.
2. Will protect me.

3. someone who is nice and kind
4. he's gotta remind you that you aren't sick but also take care of you when you are sick
5. he needs to make you happy
6. he needs to make you laugh because you laughter blesses the fucking universe
7. he has to grow up to have a good job and a lot of money. not in the asshole way but in the you deserve the best way
8. supermodel level hot
9. must be able to open pickle jars
10. he has to get along with all of us because i'll fucking fight him if he takes up too much of your time and we stop being friends

(Eddie can feel his face burning, and as he stares at the list, a very distinct picture comes to mind. He is suddenly very grateful that they are doing this through text.)

I don't think you need to worry about 10. Even though we got people coming in from all throughout the universe I really don't think there's gonna be a single person I meet that I'm ever gonna love more than I love you.

(And the other Losers, of course, but well.)

And you're really stupid for thinking I'd ever stop being friends with you for even a second. We promised, didn't we?

[Richie's as dense as ever, but it's for the best at this point anyway.]

i know we promised but it had to go onto the list anyway
because it's important and if someone ever tried to fuck it up i'd be getting out my boxing gloves

i need to get boxing gloves

i love you too, eddie. you're the best goddamn friend i could ask for and you need all the good and best things okay
but don't go telling the others or they'll tool on me again

(See: Eddie liking stupid.)

I wouldn't want to be with anyone who tried fucking up my friendships with any of you. That wouldn't be cool. I'd get out boxing gloves with you.

Please don't get boxing gloves.

You're my best friend too and you deserve really nice things too, you know.
Uh huh sure thing Richie. But in their defense you're really easy to tool on

maybe we should tape up our hands and start practicing just in case someone tries to fuck with us
we can be our own rocky balboas
motherfucker

[That's after Eddie's time.]

he's great, trust me
anyway
i already got all the nice things i could ever need

dude whose side are you on?

I don't want to hit you!!!

Oh.

Well maybe I got all the nice things I could ever need too. I'm not that worried about that kind of stuff. I'm happy with how things are.

I'm always on your side, but you're still easy to tool on.

a punching bag, dipshit!

i mean. that's good. there's nothing really bad about right now anyway. some things suck but all the important things are there

yeah yeah i get it

If I'm a dipshit, then you must be king of all stupidity.

I think some things are always gonna kind of suck. But that's okay. We have each other.

Do you?

where's my fucking crown then? better get me one of those. i wanna wear it built into a hat like jugs

exactly. that's the most important thing

yall just like trashing me

What, Jugs like Jughead?

I like trashing you because it makes you laugh half the time. I cant speak for the others.

yeah. his hat has those pokey parts so it sorta looks like a crown

but fuck eds am i laughing right now???????????

yes

I bet Jughead could pick me up.

Probably.

Yeah I am not at all shocked.

well no shit he lifted me before
did you like those stealth guns
he probably could lift you with his pinky

but am i laughing at you or am i laughing at
but fuck

butt fuck

i'm a comedic genius

Edited 2018-01-13 04:33 (UTC)

You lifted me before too
You also kind of dropped me but that's okay

It might be a thing I like.

I don't really know what I'd do if he picked me up.

OH MY GOD RICHIE. YOU AREN'T FUNNY

(Except he's giggling hysterically.)

you like being dropped?
or you might like jughead picking you up?
i bet you'd shriek and flail and be really cute about it

YES I AM
DON'T YOU DARE DENY IT EDWARD SPAGHETTI KASPBRAK

Being picked up in general. It's fun.

Being dropped sucks. I would never recommend that to literally anyone.

That is not being cute! That's just embarrassing!! (Probably accurate though.)

THAT ISN'T MY MIDDLE NAME RICHARD TRASHMOUTH TOZIER

really

i'm gonna grow muscles and next time i won't drop you

if you looked up cute in the dictionary there would be a mirror so you could see how you look when you're all screechy

DON'T DISRESPECT YOUR FAMILY LEGACY, EDDO SPAGHETTO. YOU KNOW YOU ARE NAMED AFTER YOUR GREAT GRANDFATHER GIUSEPPE SPAGHETTI, FROM BACK IN THE OLD COUNTRY

Yeah. I like it. I liked it when you did it too. Before the dropping part anyway.

Is that a promise?

If there was a mirror in the dictionary then wouldn't it just be everyone in the world who looks at 'cute' being cute?

Yeah well you're from a collective bloodline of purebred dumpsters

what if i just carried you everywhere

yeah. i'm learning how to fight so i can learn how to get stronger too

nope because it's a magic mirror. you'd see a mirror, everyone else just sees a picture of the cutest boy ever

probably inbred too. there's only so much garbage around

What, you'd do that? Wouldn't that be a pain?

Future you did look kinda like a stud

Wow I can't believe I'd see a mirror but everyone else would just see a picture of you.

Eugh that's so gross, Richie!
Though I wouldn't be shocked coming from Derry.

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