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text | pancho vanilla
have you seen this baby godzilla?
[There's a photo of a small, mini-Compsognathus. It's clearly a young one, barely the size of a chick.]
now you have and he's the cutest fucking thing and i'm keeping him forever. i saved him from all that grey water, it was such a shitty situation.
anyway, the thing is that little teddie here isn't like littlefoot and doesn't give a shit about tree stars
so what's a fella to do? i tried the soylent crap and he got kinda bored with it. i figure he must like the taste of people directly and not processed or whatever. does anyone have a bug or mouse problem? teddie is down to be pimped out for live eats. or i at least think he might like that better.
also if anyone's got stuff i can use for a leash and collar let me know. if he's anything like me i'm going to need it
[There's a photo of a small, mini-Compsognathus. It's clearly a young one, barely the size of a chick.]
now you have and he's the cutest fucking thing and i'm keeping him forever. i saved him from all that grey water, it was such a shitty situation.
anyway, the thing is that little teddie here isn't like littlefoot and doesn't give a shit about tree stars
so what's a fella to do? i tried the soylent crap and he got kinda bored with it. i figure he must like the taste of people directly and not processed or whatever. does anyone have a bug or mouse problem? teddie is down to be pimped out for live eats. or i at least think he might like that better.
also if anyone's got stuff i can use for a leash and collar let me know. if he's anything like me i'm going to need it
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[Look, he can make jokes and still be respectful of Eddie's privacy.]
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I wouldn't say big buff lifeguards but who doesnt like a guy that can pick them up?
Mostly though I just like guys my own age who are really stupid. The stupider the better. Like Im talking stupid as a literal trashcan.
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huh. well that's surprising. your standards might be too low
[He's fucking clueless.]
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Why's it surprising? My standards arent low.
Guys who are dumb enough to throw themselves into danger for my sake are pretty awesome.
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obviously he needs to protect you! because you're fucking awesome and worth protecting and being in this world
but also if he's really stupid he won't be able to keep up with you and then you'd get bored
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1. Smart enough to keep up with me.
2. Will protect me.
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4. he's gotta remind you that you aren't sick but also take care of you when you are sick
5. he needs to make you happy
6. he needs to make you laugh because you laughter blesses the fucking universe
7. he has to grow up to have a good job and a lot of money. not in the asshole way but in the you deserve the best way
8. supermodel level hot
9. must be able to open pickle jars
10. he has to get along with all of us because i'll fucking fight him if he takes up too much of your time and we stop being friends
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I don't think you need to worry about 10. Even though we got people coming in from all throughout the universe I really don't think there's gonna be a single person I meet that I'm ever gonna love more than I love you.
(And the other Losers, of course, but well.)
And you're really stupid for thinking I'd ever stop being friends with you for even a second. We promised, didn't we?
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i know we promised but it had to go onto the list anyway
because it's important and if someone ever tried to fuck it up i'd be getting out my boxing gloves
i need to get boxing gloves
i love you too, eddie. you're the best goddamn friend i could ask for and you need all the good and best things okay
but don't go telling the others or they'll tool on me again
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I wouldn't want to be with anyone who tried fucking up my friendships with any of you. That wouldn't be cool. I'd get out boxing gloves with you.
Please don't get boxing gloves.
You're my best friend too and you deserve really nice things too, you know.
Uh huh sure thing Richie. But in their defense you're really easy to tool on
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we can be our own rocky balboas
motherfucker
[That's after Eddie's time.]
he's great, trust me
anyway
i already got all the nice things i could ever need
dude whose side are you on?
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Oh.
Well maybe I got all the nice things I could ever need too. I'm not that worried about that kind of stuff. I'm happy with how things are.
I'm always on your side, but you're still easy to tool on.
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i mean. that's good. there's nothing really bad about right now anyway. some things suck but all the important things are there
yeah yeah i get it
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I think some things are always gonna kind of suck. But that's okay. We have each other.
Do you?
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exactly. that's the most important thing
yall just like trashing me
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I like trashing you because it makes you laugh half the time. I cant speak for the others.
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but fuck eds am i laughing right now???????????
yes
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Probably.
Yeah I am not at all shocked.
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did you like those stealth guns
he probably could lift you with his pinky
but am i laughing at you or am i laughing at
but fuck
butt fuck
i'm a comedic genius
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You also kind of dropped me but that's okay
It might be a thing I like.
I don't really know what I'd do if he picked me up.
OH MY GOD RICHIE. YOU AREN'T FUNNY
(Except he's giggling hysterically.)
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or you might like jughead picking you up?
i bet you'd shriek and flail and be really cute about it
YES I AM
DON'T YOU DARE DENY IT EDWARD SPAGHETTI KASPBRAK
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Being dropped sucks. I would never recommend that to literally anyone.
That is not being cute! That's just embarrassing!! (Probably accurate though.)
THAT ISN'T MY MIDDLE NAME RICHARD TRASHMOUTH TOZIER
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i'm gonna grow muscles and next time i won't drop you
if you looked up cute in the dictionary there would be a mirror so you could see how you look when you're all screechy
DON'T DISRESPECT YOUR FAMILY LEGACY, EDDO SPAGHETTO. YOU KNOW YOU ARE NAMED AFTER YOUR GREAT GRANDFATHER GIUSEPPE SPAGHETTI, FROM BACK IN THE OLD COUNTRY
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Is that a promise?
If there was a mirror in the dictionary then wouldn't it just be everyone in the world who looks at 'cute' being cute?
Yeah well you're from a collective bloodline of purebred dumpsters
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yeah. i'm learning how to fight so i can learn how to get stronger too
nope because it's a magic mirror. you'd see a mirror, everyone else just sees a picture of the cutest boy ever
probably inbred too. there's only so much garbage around
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