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[Allison does her best to lock this post from any kids on board, but pretty drunk and mostly just squinting at people's icons to make her choices. Nico Robin and Peter Maximoff are definitely excluded. Just in case, she adds a disclaimer.]

THIS IS AN ADULT ONLY POST. IF U ARE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ.

ACTUALLY IF UR UNDER 20 DO NOT READ

OR 21?

okay but like shit is going down soon and it is absolutely imperative that I get laid

So I need someone to get laid with

OK?

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[Oh god, this is great. J is grinning widely behind the bar counter when her post goes up. Even though she and Allison were now in better terms than before thanks to the hair dye episode, she's still not going pass a chance to laugh at her stupid drunken mishaps.

Leaning over the counter, she passes her another drink (it's on the house!) and types her a text with her own MID:]

getting that desperate?

[As far as Allison can tell, J's major skills are mixing drinks and making fun of people. She disapproves of being the recipient of both skills.

She idly takes the drink, repeatedly refreshing her Worst Dating Add. She squints for a moment, then looks up at J, responding verbally to the text.]

Shut up. Yes. We might die in a few days.

i died and you dont see me crying for a pity fuck.

[And that's mostly because she doesn't need to. She can do that without the network.]

I'm not asking for a pity fuck, J!

Just... a fuck. [She leans grumpily on the bar and mutters.] Be nice for someone to give a fuck.

[It's not that nobody on the ship cares about her, they do, it's just that no-one's really been interested in her sexually. Is Zaid really the best she can do?]

[Too bad that J's pretty weak on empathy department. She's be so laughing her ass of if she had her voice. So instead she shakes her head in amusement and reads the responses that Allison's network post has gotten. ]

thats what it reads to me. and to everyone else apparently. the guy here's right though. you should at least list some preferences. now you just look needy and sad

[There's a soft thud as Allison's head hits the counter. And maybe a small sniff.]

I am needy and sad!

[Oh dear. This is situation is starting to remind her from a ridiculously cliche bar scene from a movie. Bartender listening the woes of sad and heartbroken customer.

She clicks her tongue twice and grabs the still full glass from her, taking a quick sip from it.]

and thats why youre still virgin. never admit or let these things show.

[Allison jolts upright.]

WHO SAID I'M A VIRGIN?!

[...cue sweating heavily and glancing awkwardly over to where Sans is sitting. She's just gonna... slowly... slide off her bar chair in shame...]

[J watches her to jump up, automatically leaning backwards as a reaction to such sudden movement, eyes following her to slowly slump back down in embarrassment. Oh dear, indeed. She moves closer the counter and bends over to take a look at her.

Go ahead, Allison. Take your time. She'll wait.]

[What if she just loves here forever. Down on the floor, where losers belong.

The only problem is that she can't reach her drink from the floor, so after a few minutes she resurfaces.]

[It's at this particularly glorious moment that Shepard materializes into the bar, narrowing her eyes at Allison, watching her resurface to reach for her drink. Already at floor roller status?

Catching J's eye, she cuts across her neck several times with her hand, shaking her head. No no no. No more. I know it's funny. I know. No more.]

[Walking with a heavier gait to alert her sauced companion, she smiles warmly, arms open.]

Allison! Just who I was looking for. How you hanging in there?

[J offers the drink back to Allison once she's up on the chair again. There you go, you pathetic drunk.]

just tell me whenever youre ready to pull yourself together and get a man.

[And then she notices Shepard coming closer to the bar, making gestures at her. J responds with pulling out the most innocent looking smile she can. What? She's not doing anything wrong here? She doesn't know what you're trying to say, Shep.

..Please don't take her entertainment away.]

[Allison chooses to toss back her drink before she turns to Shepard.]

Still single.

[Checking her MID, she just makes a face at J.]

[Shepard also makes a face at J, one eyebrow cocked, and shakes her head, smiling sardonically. Curse your amusement-fueled betrayal.

She slides into a bar stool beside Allison, folding her hands on the countertop.]

Your post didn't seem like it was looking for a relationship.

[What, how come she's suddenly the villain. Honestly she came here to have a good time and feels so attacked right now.

She doesn't reach for her MID to write another message when Shepard settles down on the stool, but instead leans over the counter, resting on her elbows.]

I mean, I dunno...

[With a heavy sigh, Allison crosses her arms on the counter and pillows her head in them.]

I don't even know if I am single? Fuck, is this cheating? Am I a bad person?

[Well, there's a complication. She swaps looks with J, who looks all the world like a smug cat, then back at Allison.]

Tell you what — you explain your situation, and I'll tell you if you're a bad person or not.

[Now things are getting interesting. Allison's frustration and anguish only boosts J's smugness even more. She quickly moves her eyes from Allison to meet Shepard's before she pulls out two more glasses behind the counter, filling them with the same liquor as Allison's and places them on the top of the bar.

Really, if they are going to listen Allison's relationship drama they better have something to drink.]

Ugh. Uuuugh. [Time to hide her face in her arms so everything comes out muffled.]

So I was dating this guy, Zaid? Like, not for very long, and I guess he was kind of a jerk but-

[She turns her face so she's easier to hear but refuses to look at anyone.]

Okay, but, I was trying to get laid and this creepy guy showed up in my room and then these other guys rode through and cut off his head and kidnapped Zaid?

[Sitting up slightly, she drags a hand down her face.]

Some weird stuff happened and I went to rescue him but I ended up here and now it's been months and I don't think I want to keep dating him but I can't officially break up because he's in another universe!

[Deep breaths, Allison.]

[Shep's already drinking the proffered alcohol before Allison starts, nodding helpfully as she talks. She waits patiently, letting her get it all out, and digests it slowly before answering:]

So, in summary: your relationship status currently reads "it's complicated".

[She leans on the bar, swirling the ice in the now-empty glass, before replacing it hopefully with a look at J.]

As for the bad person thing, well... I don't think bad people worry about whether or not they're cheating on jerks. Morally-speaking, you're on the good side. What do you want to do now?

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OLD PRE-HIATUS THREAD FEEL FREE TO DROP p_q