[VIDEO] 001

[forgeabettertomorrow]

[So, with much effort, the MID starts broadcasting a close up of...well, it's a very green eye.]

Is...Is this thing on? Does the light mean it's on? Please let the light mean that it's on...

[The figure pulls back to reveal...a face! Just a normal face, covered in...soot? Burns? One of his bangs might be on fire.]

Okay, so...first off, I guess I should introduce myself. My name's Darin Altway, Master Blacksmith. I'm new here and I guess my new job is mechanical engineer on the Ingress?

[Darin is pointedly keeping the camera close to his face. He looks nervous.]

So uh...full disclosure? I don't know what an Ingress is. Or half of what these things are.

Most of what these things are.

...Almost all of these things.

And I lost my blacksmith hammer, so I've kind of been making due with the tools on hand and hahaha...so, funny story, you can't just hit things with hammers to make them work? Crazy, right? So...if anyone who knows anything about...uh...any of these gadgets and gizmos could come on down to engineering and give me a crash course in...um... everything, I would really appreciate--

[He's cut off by what sounds like something backfiring and creating a much larger fire.]

GAH!! OW!! HOT!! HOT HOT HO--

[The video ends there.]

Comments

[patchricide]

Besides the fire.

[forgeabettertomorrow]

Smoke??

Uh, sparks?? Blinky lights??

Look, I'm gonna be honest here, I really don't see how playing 'I Spy' is helping this situation any.

Uh...some weird red thing with a hose on it??

A door? Light switch? Buttons?

[And yet, he's still playing.]

[patchricide]

Wait, go back! Can you show the red thing? The hose could be for spraying!

[forgeabettertomorrow]

[Darin pans the video over to 'the red thing' which just happens to be a fire extinguisher.]

This thing?

[patchricide]

Well, it's not Altean, that's for sure... but it might be what we're looking for.

Try pointing the hose at something, and pull that lever!

[forgeabettertomorrow]

I don't know what that means but sure.

[Darin points the hose at his own face, because he's looking down the hose.]

[Then pulls the lever in the wrong direction and snaps it off.]

...So...was it supposed to do something?

[patchricide]

... ... ...

You... were assigned as an engineer, weren't you? There wasn't a chance you misheard them?

[forgeabettertomorrow]

Look, lady. It looks like a well pump so I tried to pump it. We can't all be space wizards with comically giant ears.

[patchricide]

And you're one to talk with your shrunken, misshapen ears?

[the fire is still going]

[forgeabettertomorrow]

MY EARS ARE PERFECTLY PROPORTIONATE TO MY HEAD THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!

[It sure is.]

[patchricide]

They're miniscule. They're barely even there. I have to squint to see them.

[we're all going to die at this rate]

[forgeabettertomorrow]

Better they be hidden than having giant sail sized ears!!

[Darin drops the extinguisher at his feet and proceeds to place his wrists at his temples, palms facing outward at angles and wiggling them back and forth.]

How do you go out on windy days?? Do you have to strap those windsocks down or do you just fly from place to place to deliver your sass?!

[patchricide]

You realize those ears of yours are likely why they gave you a manual for your training?

They probably thought you wouldn't hear anything people said to you.

Apparently, they were right -- you never caught on that what you broke was likely a fire extinguisher.

[forgeabettertomorrow]

[So, whatever's in this thing can put out the fire, huh?? Good thing you said that, Allura. It makes what he's about to do marginally less stupid.]

[Because he's picking up that extinguisher and raising it over his head.]

YEAH?! WELL, HOPEFULLY YOU CAN HEAR THIS, LADY!!

YOU AND YOUR GIANT EARS CAN GO--

[He's cut off by the sound of the fire extinguisher exploding point blank as he smashes the metal container open over his knee.]

[Which is good because those were some very colorful swear words he was about to spout.]

[patchricide]

[She jumps back from her communicator. WAY TO GO, HUMAN GUY.

... ... ...

Actually, maybe that's a serious "way to go". He did get the container open!]

Erh... [What did he say his name was, again? She can't remember.] ... blacksmith, are you all right? I think you've put it out!

[forgeabettertomorrow]

[When the canister exploded, it propelled Darin against the far wall, smashing him against it with enough force to knock the air out of his lungs. Which was promptly replaced with foam. Lots and lots of foam.]

[So, good news, the fire's out!]

[Darin's now lying face down in a pile of foam.]

[Groaning very very audibly.]

[patchricide]

[Well... he's... making noise? That's a good sign??]

... so, you really should go get another copy of the manual.

[forgeabettertomorrow]

Yeah...I'll see if I can get some new ribs too...

[patchricide]

Do you know where the Medbay is, or do you treat maps with the same care as manuals?

[forgeabettertomorrow]

No, maps scare me so I eat them in self-defense.

I also scream for twelve hours straight when the sun goes down and I don't know if it's ever coming back.

[patchricide]

... ... ...


So, why are you handling space travel so well? We're hurdling through a sunless void.

[forgeabettertomorrow]

My primitive mind can't comprehend the fact that we're hurdling through the void at trillions of miles per second. If I think about it, my brain tries to escape out of my nose.

OH NO WHAT HAVE YOU DONE.

[patchricide]

That's it. I'm going to go see about having you reassigned. I don't feel safe having an engineer who's afraid of physics and sets everything on fire.

[forgeabettertomorrow]

Is humor something completely lost on your planet, lady? Is sarcasm a foreign concept?

[patchricide]

Not when the punchline is, "You're going to get us all killed"!