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[otiosity]

Alright shipmates. I have a very important and deeply philosophical question to ask all of you. It may change your life and rock you to your very core.

[Serious Hawke isn't all that good at being serious. So don't be bad if you assume, just a little bit, that this is a shitpost. Hawke clears her throat dramatically before continuing.]

Let's say you you receive an item. Something like a book or... a computer... read-y thing. And within it's pages it details the future of your life exactly as someone you know experienced it.

Would you read it? Only read the parts that are your past? Or just toss the whole bloody pile of them out garbage chute? Is there any right answer? Is it more dangerous to know your future or to experience it blindly? Questions! Thinky-thoughts! Deep ones.

Which leads me to-

[Hawke shows to the camera a large leather bound book entitled Tale of the Champion and decorated with the Kirkwall City Crest on it. Behind her there are a stack of at least 10 similar books.]

If you would like a copy of the apparently popular book by the somehow incredibly popular author, Varric Tehras, you can hit me up. Look, it's even autographed. Bet that's worth a coin or two. Maybe I'll even sign it so it's double famous. Or perhaps infamous. Which is maybe why the Ingress decided I needed 20 of them.

[She's not gonna sign it. Honestly, she finds this whole thing jacked! But also funny and curious and that's a lot of feelings all at once for Marian Hawke.

Then she reaches down onto the pile of books and pulls out an extremely cute and lace covered bra.]

I'm also giving away this thing for anyone who desperately wants to have the most beautiful bosom on the ship. Sadly, I just don't have the heart to suffer for beauty. I'm a born and true ruffian at heart. Size 32AA.

((ooc; "Tale of the Champion" details the events of Dragon Age II which you can read the short version or the long version of the summary if you want to get a copy/assume you were given a copy by Hawke and ask her questions about it. I'm also open at bowtie or PM if you wanna ask specific questions))

Comments

[arcreact]

[ It sends tiny metal components scattering all over the place in the process. Hawke's just lucky he's not working on anything that's prone to spontaneous combustion.

He swivels to give her an artfully offended look. ]

... You realize I can fire you at any time, right?

[otiosity]

But then you'd be so bored and depressed and your work would suffer when you don't have any shenanigans to entertain you.

[Clearly, she feels good about her job security. She's also going to go over and sit her ass down on the table so sorry about your work and metal parts and boring stuff, Mr. Stark.]

[arcreact]

[ WHY.

He sets his soldering iron down with an irritated sniff, because the advanced circuitry he'd been tinkering with is now blocked by Hawke's ass. Typical. ]

So this is all part of your elaborate plot to look after my mental health? Touching.

[otiosity]

You know how much I care about you and your mental health. It's what I'm all about. I'm a carer and a helper.

See?

[Now she's going to very purposefully and delicately take the bra and set it on the book. Like handing a diamond ring to the bride.]

[arcreact]

[ One eyebrow shoots upward at the beautifully offered gift. He loops one finger under a strap and holds it aloft so he can give it some scientific consideration. ]

I'm touched. You really did save it just for me.

[otiosity]

Of course I did. I knew how badly you wanted it and I'm doing my best to keep my job security by being a sycophant when I have the opportunity.

[It's black and white with a comical amount of lace on the cups and band. The level of push up is almost painful and it has a nice big bow in the center.

So totally his style, right?]

[arcreact]

[ Well. In a certain manner of "his style", sure. Absolutely. Too bad the lady isn't here to receive a lovely secondhand gag gift. ]

That is absolutely how you get ahead in business. [ GOOD JOB HAWKE. ] On the other hand, having this in my laundry might raise some questions.

[otiosity]

[Don't insult Pepper by giving her a bra made for someone built like a board! Bad Tony, bad! Still, she sighs deeply and takes the bra back like she's picking up something very heavy and cumbersome.]

And I've already gone and insulted your masculinity once before, so you're right. Anymore and it might stark looking a bit iffy. I'll have to find someone else to curry favors with.

[arcreact]

I mean, don't get me wrong, I'll accept it. But only if you sign it first. That'll clear up any confusion.

[ No it won't. ]

[otiosity]

The book or the bra? I mean either way, it's a first. I hope you'll display both on your work desk like a proud boss.]

[Honestly, she seems amused at signing either one.]

[arcreact]

Uh, as I recall, I specifically requested an autographed copy of the book. That one's a given.

[ SIGN THE BRA, HAWKE. ]

[otiosity]

Oh you're right. I apologize for my faulty memory.

[SHE'S GONNA SIGN THE BRA IN HUGE LETTERS (not that huge its AA cup) HER FIRST NAME IN ONE CUP AND HER LAST NAME IN THE OTHER.]

[arcreact]

[ God bless you, you walking shitpost of a person. ]

It's beautiful. I'm gonna sell it and make my second fortune.

[otiosity]

And the poor fool who buys it to do unspeakable things with it will never know that it never once touched my bosom. A tragedy.

Though I do hope future me told Varric to specifically write that my tits are fantastic in the book. Add a bit of fantasy to it.

[She leans over and flips through the book as though hoping there will be a chapter entitled HAWKE'S TITS.]

[arcreact]

[ Yeah, about that. Call it acting on kneejerk impulse, but he reaches out and flips the book closed before she can actually squint at any of its contents too closely. And leaves his hand there, as further discouragement. ]

I think you're better off wondering.

[otiosity]

[THERE BE RAISED EYEBROWS HERE.]

Are you suddenly looking after my well being? That might change our whole dynamic.

[arcreact]

[ He's meeting those raised eyebrows with the most level of looks. ]

Call it unsolicited advice if it makes you feel better.

[ Except how she basically solicited it when she addressed the network in the first place, but details. ]

[otiosity]

I just expected a different answer from Tony Stark.

[You know. The edgy one. The YEAH GO FOR IT.]

Now I'll never know the state of my fictional tits.

[arcreact]

First rule of Tony Stark, expect the unexpected.

[ Which is a much better deflection than explaining that finding out about your future secondhand can be a bunch of really depressing, frustrating, alarming horseshit. ]

But you could always self-publish a tit treatise if you're really concerned about it.

[otiosity]

You never fail at it, Boss Man.

[Sadly for you Hawke is somewhat assumes there's a personal thing with you. Hawke is generally too lazy to be astute.]

So. You think I could write a chapter about my tits?

[GESTURES. they are non existent friend.]

[arcreact]

[ DON'T WORRY, HE LOOKS. What's some platonic boob-staring between friends? ]

I mean, sure, why not? Embrace your tits. Sing their praises to the galaxy. I'll even be your editor, if you're worried about your tit diction.

[otiosity]

[Hawke reaches up and pretends to dramatically wipe a tear from her eye.]

Thank the Maker for you. What have I done to deserve someone who would go so far for me and my tits? It's like you were sent here to me by fate.

[arcreact]

[ He reaches out to put a supportive, steadying hand on her shoulder. ]

Just think of me as your fairy boob mother.

[otiosity]

My... what?

[No pop culture here buddy, remember?]

[arcreact]

[ JUST KIDDING, he retracts that supportive hand. ]

My genius is utterly wasted.