video

[diamondslap]

[aurelia appears on camera, smiling and generally seeming quite welcoming. those that know her, however, are probably aware what she's about to say will be anything but.]

Good evening, darlings! My, how fortunate we are! In need of supplies and come across the best possible thing: a space station where everyone who was in possession of something useful is, hopefully, dead.

Anyway, I'd like to say now as one of the ship's arbitration officers, if any of you find something to meddle in, any mystery, any people that have some missions, whatever you moral people manage to waste time on, I've decided to give you advance warning. Get involved in any affairs whatsoever, be it personal or political and I will personally murder you.

[of course to aurelia, murder is a perfectly reasonable problem solver.]

Happy hunting, darlings! Do try not to be an inconvenience.

Comments

[diamondslap]

I do a lot back home, darling.

[so that's a yes.]

Apparently we've unwittingly signed up for a galactic fun police ship that is intent on garnering all the attention they can. Do you know what happens when you're infamous enough? Mercenary armies come after you. It's a big universe, darling, and this is an exceptionally small ship. I don't think they realise that.

[whatawaste]

You won't get an argument from me.

[Maya's pretty sure there are at least one or two contracts out on her back home. All the more reason to get back there as soon as possible.

Yuri's in even bigger trouble without her.]

But short of brainwashing, you're not going to get everyone here on board with the same agenda. Especially when there's nothing in it for a lot of them.

[diamondslap]

I could care less about them agreeing with me, even if I am right.

[she always is. impossible to be wrong when you're this rich.]

I just wish for them to stop throwing themselves around like morons. If we're to attract enemies, it would be better for everyone's health if they're not the type who can bomb the living daylights out the ship while still in space.

[whatawaste]

Well, if appealing to their sense of self-preservation isn't working...

[And Maya can sense pretty clearly that it's not...]

There are always other motivations. Greed's a good one.

[diamondslap]

Greed...?

[of course, aurelia is basically avarice incarnate. she taps her chin.]

I suppose I could just buy all their home planets...

[whatawaste]

[Maya pauses, mid-crunch.

That was a joke, right? She's pretty sure it was a joke, anyway.]

Something like that?

Conditioning. Just like training a pet. You want to enforce good behavior, you reward it. Appeal to self-interest.

[diamondslap]

Ugh. Do you want to go and find out what they like for me? Then buy everything?

[that requires too much effort. she just wants to shoot a gun.]

[whatawaste]

[She laughs, going back to her crunches.]

Afraid I'm not really much of a shopper.

People like sex, though. Maybe you can buy them orgasms.

[diamondslap]

Good god, no. That's utterly boorish.

[eh, maybe if moxxi ever showed up, if aurelia could resist killing her.

not that she's prude so much as aurelia hates the idea of touching people. or being near them. or even looking at them.]

No, I'm sure they'll all figure it out when a load of them inevitably get murdered. That'll be fun to see.

[whatawaste]

I guess that's another kind of conditioning too.

[A few more crunches, then she pauses, looking over at Aurelia curiously.]

Has anyone died on this ship?

[diamondslap]

One of my friends, Athena. She was probably one of the only other ones with any sense.

[aurelia actually sounds disappointed.]

Probably more, but I don't care.

[whatawaste]

Sorry to hear that.

[Said in that automatic way that one's expected to respond. But she doesn't get the sense that her roomie particularly wants real sympathy.]

You'd think if someone died, that would knock sense into the rest.

[diamondslap]

Would it? I've never met a group of people who cared as much as this ship.

[she leans back, wrinkling her nose.]

It's almost bizarre.

[whatawaste]

Cared?

You mean, like...bleeding-heart do-gooders?

[Maya's one to talk. She's made plenty of stupid decisions in her life, out of a sense of...goodness.

It's never ended well for her.]

[diamondslap]

That's... one phrase for it, I suppose.

[as an out and out satan, aurelia hates the idea of people trying to or doing good.]

[whatawaste]

I see.

[Then it's really a miracle that anyone on the ship is still alive.

Maya relaxes on the floor again, stretching out like a cat.]

Too bad we don't have restraining bolts that work on organic lifeforms.

[diamondslap]

I've never much been a fan of jails. People always manage to break out of them. Much better to just solve the problem permanently.

[for someone whose theme is ice, aurelia has no chill.]

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I almost wish the captains would drop by Eden or Pandoran space. I'd like to see the crew members try to help out those planets.

[whatawaste]

[And that's more than a little harsh. But Maya keeps her expression placid. No point in getting into an argument with her room mate about people's right to be alive and all that.

But the Empire would make good use of her.]

Eden or Pandoran space? That where you're from?

[diamondslap]

Good god, no.

[aurelia's nose wrinkles.]

It's just full of psychopaths who are experts at duping gullible people into helping them, then carefully, gently and lovingly jamming a buzzsaw between your eyes.

[whatawaste]

Oh.

So...thieves? Scavengers? What's the deal?

[diamondslap]

Bandits. A planet full of bandits with the odd settlement. Maybe two decent people in the entire system.

[whatawaste]

Sounds like the Outer Rim, where I'm from.

[Worse, actually. Much, much worse.]

How're you acquainted with these charming bandits?

[diamondslap]

Well, I was on vacation and accidentally got caught up in an adventure to save the moon and hunt a vault. Usual stuff. They populated the moon and so, the task of murdering hundreds of them fell into our eager meathunks.





...Er. Hands.

[whatawaste]

[Wow. Maya lost some kind of contest ending up with her for a room mate.]

...did you save the moon?

[diamondslap]

Hm? Oh, yes. I'm not sure it was entirely the right thing to do, but we saved it. Had a wonderful time either way.

[well, mostly. like 99%]