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[CLOSE UP on Sideswipe's dumb face. He's got his head propped up on his hands, lying on the floor of the observation deck, feet kicking in the air. Honestly, he just looks bored.]

Soooo...

What is there to do on this stupid ship? I mean, you guys don't even have the movie channels! Or like, video games, except on these comm things.

[He holds up a hand, shifting to rest on his other elbow. The hand is... moving like he's making it talk.]

But Sideswipe, there's a whole planet you could go hang out on! It's super cool with giant flying monsters!

Oh, yeah, I know. It's awesome. But, apparently, you make one lame choice and you're "grounded".

[Why yes there are air quotes.]

So what's a bot to do around here?

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[ ...This is not the sort of behaviour he'd ever expected a robot would have. Aren't they, like, supposed to be smart and obedient. Immediately, Wash is getting the opposite signals from this guy. ]

Yyyyyeah... You should have been told about that when you signed your contract? The ship runs on the cooperation of the crew--everyone has a job to do to keep things running properly.

[ From there, Wash's face goes blank, as he finds himself uncertain of how to feel about that answer. Or what to even really say to it. ]

...I guess it's just a bit too late to give anyone a lecture on how stupid and dangerous an idea that was, in that case.

[Sorry dude. Welcome to Dealing With Sideswipe -- it's never as fun as any adult usually expects.]

Sooo... say I believe you here, and that I've got some kind of job around here. Where do I... find that out.

Again.

[Totally wasn't listening. Nope.]

Yup. 'Cause, to be honest? It was totally awesome.

Well. I'd say ask the captains, but A) they probably wouldn't be thrilled to learn you weren't listening in the first place and B) they're kind of a pain to get ahold of, from what I've heard.

But you could try the Personnel Officer? He's got to know all that stuff.

[ Probably. Wash hasn't run into a situation where someone doesn't even realize they've been given a job to do on the ship and he's betting Miles hasn't either. But if there's anyone equipped to deal with it, it's probably the guy with files on them all. ]

...Even though someone lost their arm? That doesn't sound so awesome to me. Sounds kind of painful. And stupid.

[ Then again, he's not a robot, so. Maybe it's not as big a deal for them as it is for him? ...That's assuming this Riptide guy is another robot thing, anyway. Wash finds himself hoping so. ]

Dude, I just came crashing through a space bridge I didn't know about. How was I supposed to know to pay attention?

... who is that?

[Yeah he really wasn't listening to anything. At all. Oops.]

Riptide's fine! Now, anyway. He got it put back. Plus he's huge so he can take it.

Probably because they would have been explaining the situation to you...

[ Like, really. You'd think you'd pay attention after something like that happened! ]

His name's Miles Vorkosigan. You should be able to find his name on the manifest and just contact him through your MID. Or you could find your way to his office.

[ A shrug. He's doubtful that Miles minds either way--the guy seemed friendly enough the one time they met and he'd showed him the ropes of his job. ]

...Well, that's good then. But I don't think it stops the whole thing from being stupid. You were probably right to be "grounded".

Okay, the last time I got zapped through a space bridge against my will? I had to book it before Officer Do Right slapped stasis cuffs on me. So, sorry if I was a little preoccupied.

... wait is that a name or did your vocal processor just fritz out? Cause I know how to fix that.

[Sideswipe, no you don't. Just because whacking Fixit over the head fixes his errors doesn't mean it works for humans.]

No way! We were careful! It's not our fault the thing freaked out!

Hey, I'm not judging. [ He's totally judging. ] I'm just saying. Most people would at least pay attention before signing a contract.

...Uh. I don't have a vocal processor? But yeah, it's a name. I'll grant you that it's a bit of an odd one. I think it's Russian, or something.

[ Please do not whack him over the head, robot. That might only lead to a concussion. ]

Y...es it is. You were riding it. I think it had every reason to freak out, no matter how careful you were.

Hey! I don't judge your choices, dude. I don't need it from you.

[WOW PEOPLE ARE SO JUDGEY HERE. This is like hanging around a bunch of Strongarms. Ughhhh.]

It's rushing? Where's it going?

[Oh my god Sideswipe.]

Humans ride things. What's the difference?

I said I wasn't judging! [ Still a lie, though. ]

...What? [ It takes him a second to catch on to that one. At that point, a hand comes up and he rubs the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes over. ] No, not rushing. Russian. Russia's a country back on Earth. I'm saying his name sounds like it's from that country.

[ GEEZ. Seriously, aren't robots supposed to be smarter than this? ]

Generally they ride things that are domesticated. And not gigantic. And flying. The difference is the amount of safety. [ And level of stupidity involved... ]

Oh. Never heard of it. You should really mention that first thing.

[Geez, humans and their expecting him to know human things.]

Psh, safety is for people who don't fight Decepticons.

I kind of assumed you'd know. You mentioned Earth at the beginning of our conversation...

[ So it makes sense to figure he'd know what Russian means, right? ...Well, apparently not so right. ]

Good to know there are people on board so willing to throw caution to the window. Feels safe. Just don't think it'll be cool to kick open any of the ship's windows to experience the vacuum, okay?

[ Maybe he's being a little harsh and sassy here, but reckless people aren't always the safest to have around. Especially when they're giant robots on a ship in the middle of space. ]

Well, yeah, we're there! But it's not like I'm studying the place or anything! We're just keeping you guys from getting turned into a Con resort planet.

[He huffs, finally taking what looks like real offense.]

Hey! Maybe I don't know Rushing, or whatever it is, but I know not to hurt you guys!

Just 'cause I like a little adventure doesn't mean I'm gonna let one of you get offlined.

Okay, okay! Sorry, bad assumption on my part.

[ Wash holds his one free hand up in apology and surrender. ]

That's good to hear, at least. Sorry, maybe that was a little harsh. ...Actually, it was definitely a little harsh. I didn't mean it like that, I just don't want anyone to get hurt in your adventuring.

The fact that one of your friends lost an arm just made me maybe a little more worried than I should have been about the whole thing.

Yeah, sure you didn't. Just like all these old timers don't really mean the scrap they're slinging, either.

It's like, all of you don't wanna listen to me or trust me or anything, just because I didn't see the war or something!

I like humans, okay? You guys are fine with me! Riptide's a soldier and stuff, he can take a few hits! I'm a bot, though, same as him! Same as Bee! No one's got to worry about me stepping on any of you.

So shift down a few gears will you?

Well, first of all, I had no idea whether you'd seen any war, so that had nothing to do with any judgement that may or may not have happened.

[ It definitely happened. But he didn't mean to offend the robot this much. --He feels kind of bad now. ]

Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get you all up in arms like this. But giant robots? They're a new thing for me, so I'm not entirely sure how to deal with these kinds of things yet. [ He does mean what he says, and for what it's worth sounds genuinely apologetic. ] I believe you when you say you like humans and that you won't do anything to hurt us. I think I overreacted a little because I'm not used to the robot thing, that's all.

Dude, any time someone says 'may or may not', that means it totally happened. Enough of you old timers have said that by now.

[He's still huffy. Wounded pride and all. It's a fragile thing.]

[He may already be trying to figure out how to prove himself here.]

Well, geez. Try not to do it again. I'm not gonna hurt any of you, Riptide wouldn't. Uh. Tailgate either, probably. But Megatron. He's the worst.

...Fair enough.

[ He can't even argue that. Robot's got him there. ]

I'll try. Promise. I kind of broke my rule about keeping an open mind about anybody different that shows up on the ship. [ But to be fair, he didn't expect giant robots, so. ] ...The worst how? Like, he might be okay hurting people worst? Or he's just kind of a jerk worst?

Gee, you think?

Like, he killed half the bots on our planet, started a million years war, hates everyone who isn't him or another Decepticon, aaaaaaaaand likes to threaten people for fun kind of the worst.

[ ... ]

And here I was worried about you.

[ Wash is now trying not to freak out. Very subtly. It's not clear at all in the wide eyes or struggling to come up with words. ]

I get what you mean by the worst now. That, uhm. That definitely sounds like the very definition of the word.

Yeah, see, here's where those assumption things get you.

Surprise. The bot asking for entertainment isn't the problem!

Edited 2016-03-25 06:06 (UTC)

[ Geez, he really took that whole part of the conversation to heart, didn't he? ]

Oh my god, okay, I swear I'll never judge a robot book by its cover ever again, okay?

Okay, great. Cool.

... that's better, I guess.

Okay.

[ ...Now things feel awkward. Should he just end the feed, or should he keep talking? Maybe he could at least introduce himself... ]

Uhm. I'm Wash, by the way. And you said you're...Sideswipe, right?

Yeeeeup. The one and only. Fastest bot on four wheels.

Well, nice to meet you, even if I was...kind of an ass at first.

[ ...Wait a sec. Hold up. Did he say-- ]

--Hang on, "on four wheels"? You don't have hands?