thisavrou | audio;

Lance and I... talked.

About where you guys came from.

Oh.

[ The fact that it's a worried "oh" and not a relieved "oh" is probably telling. ]

... How much did you talk?

[Yeah, yeah it is.]

Enough to where I know I need to start making contingency plans.

... I'm sorry.

I... Shiro—

[ Contingency plans has such an awful final ring to it. Keith feels like he's been sucker punched, but without any of the adrenaline that usually goes along with it. ]

I'm sorry. I should've said something myself, but I... I didn't know how to...

... where are you?

[What else is he supposed to call them? Plans for "just in case" is too long, too awkward. It's the only thing that fit.]

Don't apologize. You had a lot on your mind, besides that. It's all right.

[No, it's not. But he's not angry for not getting the story, at least.]

House. My room.

[ An absurdly short amount of time later, there's a knock on Shiro's door. Keith doesn't wait to let himself in, but once he has, he stands just a few steps inside the doorway, looking lost. His hair is even messier than usual, and he's down to jeans and his t-shirt — what passes for pajamas, for him.

None of this is what he'd wanted. But he guesses he doesn't have a choice now. ]

I want to help. With— anything. Whatever you need.

[He was sort of expecting this. Which is why he's not far from opening the door, himself. Into what's probably the smallest of the house bedrooms, but that's beside the point.]

[If he ever looked tired before, now it's even more pronounced.]

I knew you'd say that.

... come on. Probably shouldn't talk about this standing in the hall.

Right.

[ Keith steps in, then, shutting the door behind him with a soft click that still feels deafeningly loud. ]

... How long have you known?

[Meanwhile, he paces over to the bed, sinking down on the edge of it. Hands threading through his hair.]

A while. Lance told me... the day we got those shirts.

[And then after that had been distractions and planning and trying to come to terms with everything.]

[He's quiet for a while. Debating how to say this. How to bring it up. At length, he just settles for simply:]

I'm going to fix this. For all of you.

You don't—

[ Keith's voice cracks, his face going through half a dozen expressions as he stammers, searching for the words he wants. ]

Shiro, you're the one who disappeared! We're the ones who should be fixing it for you!

[Because he can't ask them to take that on. Because in a way, he'd let them down. And therefore, it's his mess to clean up. Isn't it? It happened to him, therefore, he's got to figure out why.]

[He doesn't really know what to say. So many people have tried to tell him to stop doing exactly this.]

[But what else is there to do?]

You can't do that while you're here. I... can try to. Make sure there's things you have, that I know, whenever it is we get back.

[He finally looks back up at him.]

I've got to do something -- I can't just... accept this.

You don't have to accept it, but—

[ His hands curl into fists at his sides, and he stares down at the floor. ]

... Shiro, we're a team. You don't have to... to talk like you gotta do things on your own.

I'm not trying to. I...

[Well now they're both at a loss for words. While he seems to sag in place a little. Like all that determination from the initial post has drained away.]

... I don't know what else to do.

[ Seeing Shiro looking as defeated as Keith feels... it's like having the ground collapse out from underneath his feet. Keith is fully aware that he should know better by now, but it still feels like Shiro should have all the answers. Like Shiro's this unshakable, constant thing. He'd vanished once, and come back different, scarred and tired and wrung-out, but still himself. Kind and wise and brave and strong. Someone who always knows the right thing to do.

Everything Keith's always wanted to be, and knows he isn't.

How is he supposed to be what Shiro needs right now? He isn't— he's never been— any good at this. Shiro needs someone like himself, right now. ]

I...

[ Keith hesitates, stepping closer, and finally sitting next to Shiro on the bed, settling a hand on his shoulder. ]

... I don't either. But I— we would do anything for you. You know we've got your back, right?

[As long as there was something to keep fighting for, as long as there were still answers to be found, there was always, always a direction. Always the next step. The next fight, or mission or even training scenario.]

[But now? Now he knows the end result. And it's like all the strings are cut. Like all the ties are severed and there's nothing left to hold him down, pull him along. It's not true, and he knows that. But that's the feeling.]

[Of course he's going to keep working, find something to do to get through this. Fight through this. And of course he's going to fall back on old habits, even through promises to try and be better. He owes them all this, doesn't he? Owes them all to keep trying to be that unshakable, constant thing.]

[None of this is fair.]

[Least of all to the people, to the pieces of his team, who've had their lives ripped apart because of it. How can he do anything less but keep fighting? For their sake?]

[Even when some moments it feels like there's no point to it.]

It's okay, you --

[You don't have to say anything. But words don't come right away. He lifts his head, a little surprised at the contact, but not pushing it aside. The expression on his face cracks around the edges, the deep weariness cut by something else.]

[Some... watery sort of half-smile.]

Yeah. Yeah, I know that. I've never forgotten that.

[And just like before, he slings his own arm around his teammate, because it's hug time, god dammit. All of them deserve the reassurance. And this way, no one has to see the reason his eyes have started to sting.]

But I think I needed the reminder.

[ Keith leans into the hug. Pats Shiro's back a little. He feels, at once, impossibly guilty that he wasn't the one to tell Shiro, and impossibly glad that Lance saved him the pain of actually having to. He's not sure he could have handled it, if he'd had to see the reaction fresh on Shiro's face. It's selfish, and he knows it, but... but. ]

Anytime. We all know you'd do the same for any of us.

[ There's a brief hesitation, before he adds: ]

I'm glad Lance told you. I'm sorry I couldn't.

[He'll never blame him -- in his mind, Keith's had a lot on his mind, too. He shouldn't have to be the one to tell him everything. All the time. It's not fair to him.]

[The hug goes on a while longer, before he pulls back, hands still on his shoulders.]

Don't. You don't have anything to apologize for. Okay?

[A reassuring squeeze.]

I don't have many ideas yet. Just... trying to get organized.

[ Keith nods in acknowledgement, dropping his own hands into his lap. ]

I'd offer to help, but... I'm lost when it comes to that stuff. But. Uh.

[ He doesn't want to say it. He's still half convinced Shiro made a mistake when he'd gotten the idea. But it's all Keith can offer right now, and if he's wrong and Shiro wants to take it back, then— then fine. At least he can say he tried. ]

You said before— if anything happened to you, you wanted me to lead Voltron. Well... we don't have Voltron here. And you're obviously fine. But if you ever just need a break, to focus on this or yourself or whatever... then, maybe... it'd be good practice.

[He shakes his head, dropping his metal hand from Keith's shoulder.]

Not as much as you think. Part of the plan is... finding out exactly what happened in that fight. Move by move. If I know that, maybe we can avoid whatever this was.

[He quiets, though, to listen, but this doesn't make sense either. Why would he say that? Eventually, sure. With a lot of practice, training... that's something possible.]

Don't... take this the wrong way, but... when did that happen? Lance didn't mention that part. [Or Hunk. Or Coran.] But -- practice. Yeah.

Nothing wrong with practice.

[As it dawns on him maybe he should have explained to Keith why he told Darin to be in charge... crap...]

[ Okay, so it's something Shiro hasn't thought about yet. That's... fine. That's what he wanted. Isn't it? But he feels strangely disappointed, and unsure about going on. Like maybe he's volunteering himself for something that neither of them wants. ]

Lance doesn't know.

[ And it dawns on Keith, in one sudden awful flash, that he really, really doesn't want Lance to find out. ]

You and I got stranded together right after the wormhole thing. You'd gotten hurt, and you kept talking like you weren't gonna make it.

[ Keith's voice is measured, careful, but it's clear from the stress he's barely keeping down that it's a bad memory for him. ]

And I— I kinda thought you were just— [ Keith waves his hand vaguely besides his head. ] From the blood loss?

[It takes him all of ten seconds to see something, maybe even something minute, on Keith's face that makes him say --]

I won't tell him. Or anyone else.

[Then it's back to heavier things. Things that are harder to deal with. The hand still on his teammate's shoulder tightens again. Once. I'm still here. I'm right here.]

[Then more quiet, more thought. More internal kicking himself for something that hasn't even happened yet.]

I really put a lot of pressure on you then. Didn't I? [There's something apologetic there.] I'm sorry.

Tell me something, though. All right? [Before this goes further. Before there's more apologies and more hard questions. Before they launch into a more difficult discussion.]

Is that... something you want?

[ Keith shakes his head. It's true, it had been a lot of pressure, it still is, but it's bigger than just the two of them. Just thinking about the scope of it makes him feel tired. Is this how Shiro feels all the time? ]

Don't. Don't apologize.

[ It's a hard decision to make. No one had wanted it, but it needed to be done. That much, at least, he's sure of. He folds his hands, picking restlessly at his thumbnail before he forces himself to correct the behavior. Don't fidget.

And that's the question, isn't it? Asked point-blank like that... there's no way he can lie. But he can't say no, either. He's stuck between a rock and a hard place, with no right answer immediately apparent. ]

It's not about wanting it. I...

[ Keith sighs, the line of his shoulders tense beneath Shiro's hand. I don't know how. I'm afraid I'll screw up. That I'll get someone hurt, or worse. That I'm too selfish, too angry, too reckless. That I'm not someone people want to follow. That I'm not like you. But I want to be.

The corners of his eyes sting, which makes heat rise to his face, and he lowers his gaze to the floor. ]

... I've thought about this. Pidge is brilliant. She'll be a great tactician, but she's still working on the big picture thing. Better behind the scenes. Hunk's amazing at the teamwork stuff, but he's afraid of real conflict. He'd hate it. And Lance— Lance showboats, but he's smarter than he acts. He's adaptable, and people like him. But he couldn't handle making the hard calls. The ones people don't like you for.

So. That leaves me.

[ He's considered all this at length, by now. All the pros and cons of each of them. It feels like a betrayal of Shiro every time — what Shiro asked of him, yes, but accepting that Shiro could really be gone, too — ]

No one asked you if you wanted this. But someone had to do it. Well... I'd do anything for this team.

I guess that's my answer.

[Someone had to do it. Isn't that how he always felt? Someone had to do it, might as well be him. He was what there was. All they had. And he had to fight to live up to this standard. It's not something he wants to force on anyone else, to place on anyone else.]

[Least of all someone who doesn't want it.]

I'm proud you've thought this through so much. Good work.

[And he means that. Completely and sincerely. Carefully squeezing the tense muscle under his hand. It's okay.]

It doesn't have to leave you. It could leave Allura. You have a choice here, now. While we're here now.

[But god is he proud of him. Proud and impressed. And when the answer comes, he ends up bowing his head. Breathing in slowly. Okay. Okay, there's the choice.]

[There's the answer.]

... then we'll consider this a practice run. For however long we're here.

[ Keith nods in acknowledgement; he tucks that 'proud of you' away somewhere private to look back on later, when he needs it. He's quiet for a moment, collecting his thoughts before looking back up at Shiro in a sidelong sort of way. ]

Well, sure... it goes without saying that Allura's in charge.

[Honestly, he'd say it a hundred more times if he could. But he nods, thoughtfully.]

Meaning... if you really, really don't want to take this up, Keith... I don't think you have to.

But for now, let's just keep treating this as training.

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