video; 00:01

[timeframes]

[Dave, social media mogul, definitely has a lock on how to work a fancy future smart watch - you’ll be greeted by the sight of a be-shaded blonde and also a gray dude with horns (and no shades, sadly) crowding the same screen.]


Yo. I get it, we gotta show our faces on here - give you the low-down on the fresh new shit in town, lay out what the fuck we’re about. So back on my home planet they call me Owen Wilson, but you can call me Dave that’s cool. [Maybe it’s his middle name.]

Right. And I’m beloved and seriously underrated Jen Aniston co-star Ben Stiller. You may refer to me exclusively as Mr. Stiller. Assuming you’re given permission to address us at all. For now, all of you have probationary permission to speak to us, so consider your questions carefully.

Think we’re supposed to list all our superpowers and shit, bro, give the club a heads up as to what the fuck we can do. Actor, model, Oscar nominee, dated Sheryl Crow, recently coronated Troll King, fashion icon, DJ and rap artist. Also in the dope-ass driver’s seat of all your entertainment needs.

Yeah. Sure. We’re the king of all the trolls and all of that. I mean, listen. Between the two of us, we have some pretty fucking formidable superpowers. That’s all I’m going to say about it. I don’t actually see how it’s any of anyone’s business or why they need to know our powers anyway, so that’s pretty much all that needs to be said about it.

Oh yeah, also, I’m in charge of emotionally counseling you chucklefucks from now on. There will be some new policies put into place in the future, but more on that once I’ve determined where letting you whine on about your problems fits into my very busy schedule.

The dude has got shit to do. He'll pencil you in. Anyway, cool, icebreaker obligation friggin’ demolished, we have introduced the fuck out of ourselves. Weirdly probing questions, comments, concerns, whatever.

Don’t forget about the probation, though. I’m serious about that.

[Red = Dave, Gray = Karkat] 

Comments

action;

[gainedlove]

[...that was a lot of swear words. Will Toriel be mad if they talk with these two?]

[...EH.]

Hi, my name's Frisk! I don't think I ever met a troll before. D'you both got the same powers an' stuff?

[bloodpressured]

[She will be so mad because the swear words will never stop.]

Next question.

OH MY GOD I MEANT VIDEO

[gainedlove]

[WELP not like Frisk hasn't heard half of these already anyway!]

Huh? But you didn't answer!

[timeframes]

[Please don't get them yelled at by a mom.]

If the power is being dope, then yeah.

text;

[culver]

Does everyone have superpowers where you are from?

text;

[timeframes]

nah
sheryl crows sched aint that free

text;

[bloodpressured]

YES. EVERY SINGLE ASSHOLE WHERE I'M FROM HAS COOL AND AMAZING SUPERPOWERS. YOU WOULDN'T EVEN BELIEVE THESE SUPERPOWERS.

video;

[otiosity]

What if my superpower is to be constantly emotionally distraught. Can I be counseled? Is there hope for me? What about spiritual counseling? Magical counseling? Counselor counseling? I feel like there are many bases to be covered here.

[timeframes]

Uh, yeah, pretty sure he's got a lock on dealing with a bunch of dopes with that superpower, dude. Don't worry, my bro is skilled he can sort you out, but like I said, he's got a busy schedule. Gonna have to put you on the waiting list.

[bloodpressured]

You can absolutely be counseled, but there's probably no hope for you, no. You seem to think you're some kind of smartass, but my professional diagnosis is annoying douchebag. It's incurable, but with time, you can learn to accept and live with your shortcomings.

video;

[arcreact]

I was with you until you unironically used the phrase "troll king". Not even once, but twice.

[ So unfortunate. ]

video;

[timeframes]

Yo, I see where you're driving from here but I'm not talking about shitting up youtube comment sections, I meant the whole thing with the dope ass crown, blow out party, alien race accepting me as leader. Shit was legit.

Actually, pretty sure that makes my legal title Owen Wilson, HRH. Unless they use Emperor? Fuck. Should have clarified that.

[bloodpressured]

Well, fuck me. Here not two minutes and we've already run into someone too discerning about royal titles to put up with introductions. Wait, I know this one. You must be so proud, getting named Emperor of Snide Bedwedding Smugbabies. We'll try to stay out of your way.

video;

[embiggened]

Your power is... internet trolling?

Ugh. I don't think that's actually a super power. It's a personality problem.

[bloodpressured]

Oh, is it? Well, it just so happens, troll is the name of my species. You just insulted an entire species, I hope you feel good about yourself. Maybe you have a personality problem that makes you act so insensitive, did you ever think of that?

[timeframes]

Not that kind of Troll. Or guess in addition to that kind of troll, but they're all kind of shit at that.

Gotta think more alien translation error, and less dude who has strong opinions about Sonic.

VOICE

[squadgoals]

Uh huh. Okay, Question.

How old are you two?

[bloodpressured]

Who cares? Next question.

VOICE

[timeframes]

Kind of hard to measure, my dude. Time is a social construct made so we can measure the distance between Point A: ice cold Hot Pocket, and Point B: fiery mouth-blast of cheese.

video

[wallride]

DJ and rap artist, huh? I like where this is going already.

[also the other but I GUESS.]

[bloodpressured]

Pretty fucking rude! I'm here, introducing myself, offering my services and putting myself out there, but apparently since I'm not a DJ slash rap artist, it's not good enough for you?

[timeframes]

Obviously the reason they scooped my ass up is to make sure they got an exclusive contract with the hottest new voice in the galaxy, but I'm just sayin' next time they should arrange shit through my agent before skipping right to the kidnapped back to space part of the plan. Also the uniform sucks.

video

[diamondslap]

Emotionally counseling? My condolences.

[this this the worst brand of job, aurelia suspects.]

If you need assistance, I can provide my arbitration services. Or a gun. Possibly both, depending on how I feel.

[bloodpressured]

It's not so bad. I mean, it's clearly intended to be a sarcastic slap in the face, but fortunately, it's also pretty easy to emotionally counsel a ship full of unstable dipshits. So I'm set.

[timeframes]

[karkat is just ignoring the most disturbing part of this, but.]

My bro is actually pretty dope at the get down and jam shit. Thinkin' we'll be alright without having to shoot anyone.