text; + action options

[sketchycharacter]

[The following is actually a series of three separate posts to the network; all three are posted in fairly quick succession, likely before anyone can reply to the first two, though they are open to comments.]

how do you make it so not everyone can read one of these things

[like thirty seconds later]

oh

[a couple of minutes later LOCKED FROM CERTAIN PEOPLE NAMED ELENA FISHER]

so a bunch of people use this system to pour their hearts out and get other people to do the same which usually seems weird to me. i mean just because you say it over the mid doesn't mean you won't run into people later and make it really weird and awkward. i don't know maybe that's just me.

except what the hell i'm pretty drunk right now so why the fuck not!

RIDDLE ME THIS, CREWMATES. pretend for a minute that you're a complete asshole who somehow got the most amazing woman in the world to marry you, fucked it up real fast like dropped a grenade on it bad BECAUSE you're a complete asshole, got her to take you back and start over and then fucked it up again.

what do you do? asking for a friend.

also the first person to make a suggestion that actually works can have some of my alcohol stash. everyone else can fuck off i'm not sharing.

[action options - feel free to go from a network thread to one of these]

[OPTION 1: DRUNK. Nate is pretty toasted as he wanders around the ship, but not so much than he has trouble getting around with just an occasional stumble. Alcohol tends to loosen his lips, so he'll gladly (well, not he's not real glad about anything right now) talk to anyone who makes the poor life decision to talk to him first.

[OPTION 2: DRUNKER. Jeez, he's getting to be a real mess now. Nate makes a trip to where the Mess Hall used to be so he can pour one out in honor of the lost bar. What a hideous waste of alcohol. Afterward, he visits the observation deck to drunkenly look at the stars, and will stay there.

[OPTION 3: DRUNKEST. Oh god he's so unhappy. Look at this complete wreck of a man who's making the observation deck a pretty unpleasant place to be. He is completely wasted. (Existing CR only for this option please—basically, if they've had at least one conversation, you're good.)]

Comments

[squadgoals]

Huh. [It really does.] Little heavy on the jewels, though.

[She takes a bite of jerky, and pushes the water bottle towards Nate, until it bumps into his side. After another beat, she points at another part of the "sky", outlining with her finger:]

Anatomically-accurate breasts.

[sketchycharacter]

[Sometime tomorrow morning, Nate will remember this and be embarrassed until he remembers how quickly she found a pair of star tits.]

Oh, yeah, you're right. Huh. Now we just need to find an ass.

[He fumbles for another bottle and mostly goes for the water because it's the closest thing at hand.]

[squadgoals]

[Mission success. She subtly scoots the other bottles just far away enough with her foot to be bothersome to obtain quickly, munching on the jerky thoughtfully.]

I'll leave the ass-spotting to you. Shouldn't be hard.

[beat;]

Just look near the gaseous clouds.

[sketchycharacter]

[Nate laughs. You're not actually cheering him up, Shepard, but you're helping him pretend easier.]

That's a terrible joke. I love it.

MID-HIATUS TAG, FEEL FREE TO DROP!

[squadgoals]

[Ah, another advocate to the school of "pretending to feel the thing"]

Something about the military teaches you the finer timing of toilet gags. Let it not be said that our forces lack a sense of humor — we are your one-stop-shop for all genitalia-based jests.

[sketchycharacter]

[Lady, he has a post-graduate degree.]

Really? Because none of the military guys I knew ever told a single joke. Of course, they spent most of our time together trying to kill me.

[squadgoals]

Now, now, I bet they had a few jokes about killing you.

Maybe sometime before you put a slug in their skull? I've heard a handful of those. They're trickier to remember, because they're generally stupid.

[sketchycharacter]

Well if they were smart, they wouldn't have signed on to work for madmen. So yeah, pretty stupid jokes if any.

[squadgoals]

[She shakes her head, smiling.] Couldn't've said it any better myself.

You find your backside yet?

[sketchycharacter]

Did I...what? Find my backside?

[He is TOO DRUNK FOR THIS, SHEPARD.]

[squadgoals]

I sent you on a quest into the stars. Find an ass. Clock's ticking, Drake.

[sketchycharacter]

Ugh. Does it have to be a good ass?

[Because his head is swimming even more now, even though he paused the binge.]

[squadgoals]

"Acceptable" is fine. Then again, not sure what your standards of "good" are, so I'll leave it up to you.

[sketchycharacter]

Fine fine fine.

[He leans back on his hands, scanning the starry sky, and finally points.]

There. That's a great butt.

[It's okay.]

[squadgoals]

[Shep stares for a moment, then closes one eye and stretches her hands out, creating a frame with her index fingers and thumbs through which to examine said "great butt".]

I mean, it's okay... five out of ten.

[sketchycharacter]

Five outta ten's fine. That's pretty average right? Can't be choosy with star butts.

[There's even a sparkly little butthole in the middle. He thinks he picked all right.]

[squadgoals]

Fine — the attending accept this celestial ass as "okay".

[She nudges the water bottle again, wiggling it with a finger.]

On a scale of one to fish, how much is your head swimming?

[sketchycharacter]

[Ugh. Fine. He takes the water, he drinks the water.]

Uh--let's say it's floundering.

[squadgoals]

Was that a fish pun?

[sketchycharacter]

Maybe.

[Yes.]

Why, was it a good one?

[squadgoals]

[There's a pause, with no change in posture or expression, then, without warning:]

It was okay.

Cod've been a bit better, though. Let minnow if you think of any others.

[sketchycharacter]

[Nate just stares, then grabs the nearest bottle and slides it over to her.]

[squadgoals]

[She cracks a smile, picks up the bottle, and takes a swig.]

Not sure if I'm getting complimented or scolded, but my money's on the latter.