audio; a very important statement for the entire crew

[skelepun]

[Solemn silence reigns for the first few moments of the broadcast. A shuffle of papers, a clearing of his throat -- or technically, a very good impersonation of it. There's no throat to clear. Anyway.]

Okay, so. I know there's been a lot of back and forth lately, kids. And I don't wanna add to the tension, but as long as we're ripping off band aids? I figure there's no time like the present.

[Another deep breath. Clearly, this is weighing heavily on the guy.]

I'm gonna say a few words that'll mean a lot to you guys. Bran. Oatmeal. Raisins. Words that should never even brush against the word muffin. And yet every Saturday, seems like those are the only muffins I see. I'm not gonna point fingers or anything. I dunno if the blame lies with the people taking the decent pastries or the persons allowing those ingredients to infect perfectly good muffins in the first place, but it's a tragic miscarriage of judgment and for the safety of the crew, I think it's important we all address the massive, raisin dotted elephant in the room.

I'm mean, jeez, guys. There are kids on this ship. What if they mistake them for chocolate chips? We're all responsible if we do nothing. Get it together, Moira.

[Another deep breath. He's said his peace. When he speaks again, it's as if a completely different person is grinning into the mic.]

And hey, as long as we're all here, feel free to air your various grievances too. Y'know, to save the Captains their bandwidth. Let it all out.

Comments

VIDEO

[squadgoals]

Blueberries? [It's not disgust, it's just shock.]

When have there ever been blueberries in your standard-issue canned fruit mix?

VIDEO

[neveroutwrenched]

Uh, who made you commander of what goes in fruit mix?

[squadgoals]

First of all, Commander of fruit salad isn't a real position, but if it was, I'd be eligible.

Probably.

Second of all, blueberries don't preserve well, and are generally a more expensive grower — not a good candidate for cheap, bulk canned fruit.

Third of all, blueberries have a natural dye, and would color the whole mix. Who'd want to eat that? Nobody.

[neveroutwrenched]

I would.

[squadgoals]

Would you?

[neveroutwrenched]

Yeah. I would.

[squadgoals]

You're not under duress right now, are you? Not someone threatening your family if you don't eat a murky blue fruit cocktail?

Blink once if you need assistance.

[neveroutwrenched]

[You're making him feel very judged right now.]

You know, murky blue fruit cocktail is basically just one step away from a smoothie.

And everybody likes a smoothie.

1/3

[squadgoals]

Are you suggesting that people should regularly indulge in, and enjoy, murky blue chunky smoothies?

2/3

[squadgoals]

Wait, that was insensitive of me. I'm not sure what smoothies are like on your planet. Maybe we've got different smoothie definitions.

3/3

[squadgoals]

Mine is "not chunky".

[neveroutwrenched]

I said it was a step away from a smoothie. Further work required to become a smoothie. The precursor to a smoothie. It's like an infant. You have to imagine its potential.

[squadgoals]

Did you just recommend I imagine blending an infant?

[neveroutwrenched]

What?

No.

No! What's wrong with you?

[squadgoals]

Me? I'm not the one with the baby smoothie blending simile!

[neveroutwrenched]

Uh, I think you mean metaphor.

[squadgoals]

What? [There's a full beat of pause as she searches Ratchet's face in the video feed for sarcasm.] You're serious.

On a scale of "one" to "fruit cocktail with blueberries", how wrong do you want to be about this?

[neveroutwrenched]

I'm very committed to fruit cocktail with blueberries at this point.

[squadgoals]

[She shakes her head, expression wry.] Two for two. Okay — a simile makes a comparison with "like" or "as". Metaphors makes it directly.

"The blueberry-riddled fruit salad was as murky as a swamp", versus "The blueberry-riddled fruit salad was a murky swamp".

What I'm trying to say with all of this is... [She gestures with her off hand for a minute, as if trying to find the words.] you're wrong.

[neveroutwrenched]

[Ratchet rolls his eyes.]

Whatever, find. I'm still gonna eat it. And enjoy it.

[squadgoals]

You're going to have to make it, first — the one in the mess is already cherried perfection.

not here;

[skelepun]

[oooohhh shit, dunk him, shep, just dunk him right in the fucking garbage.]