video; 003;

[hatesimprovising]

[ This is a hard post to make. Even as he turns the MID camera on, he's still wondering if he should really do this. It's close to being too late to back out, but not quite there yet. He can still shut the camera back off and pretend like he never even tried to talk to the network.

But he could really use some help. That's something he can't deny. And in a place like this, with people from all sorts of very different places, it's possible that someone might be able to do something for him, even if it's just to give him some tips. Considering the mess that Epsilon left behind in his head has been stressing him out beyond belief and affecting his daily life in a number of awful ways... Wash figures it's worth a shot. Maybe.

There's a long pause at the beginning of the broadcast, Wash just sitting there in frame, eyes darting back and forth from the camera to some place off to the side. He looks unnerved, uncomfortable, and exhausted. There are bags under his eyes that have been there for weeks now, his hair a bit ruffled, and his uniform just a little askew. ]

Hi. Uh. [ Shuffling in his seat. ] I have a question that might be a little...weird. And I thought it might be useful to get responses from various sources.

[ Different people might have different thoughts, and some might even have some advice so... Here goes... ]

Does anyone know a way to forget something? Or several things? Like, if you have some awful memory that you want to stop looking back on or one that's affecting your mental health? Even if there's some way to just suppress it if you can't get rid of it entirely...

I know it's not a healthy option. You're supposed to learn how to deal with them over time and eventually be at peace with it. But maybe sometimes that's not really an option.

[ He has no intention of adding more detail than that, not even any actual context. Talking about this is difficult and personal as it is, he really doesn't have any interest in talking about his bizarre problems in public, over the network. ]

It's probably not possible, and I get that. But I thought that with some of the things that are possible in some universes, it might be useful to check.

[ Hastily: ] --I'm asking for a friend.

[ YEAH, TOTALLY FOR A FRIEND... So maybe he chickened out a bit at the end there, whatever...!! ]

Comments

[t65]

[Luke thinks about how to answer this-- or if he even should-- for a good long time. Of course, none of that comes across in his delivery.]

Why can't you...r friend come to terms with it?

[hatesimprovising]

That's...kind of hard to explain.

[ But his broadcast was kind of asking for questions like this, wasn't it? Not providing any details doesn't stop people from being curious.

Wash hesitates on whether to actually add any explanation, ultimately caving. ]

The memories in question aren't exactly theirs. They kind of belong to someone else. [ There's no "kind of" about it. ] I don't know if it's possible to come to terms with something that you've never done but remember it like you have.

[t65]

Oh. [That really clears something up.] I might be able to help. Or-- actually, someone else might be better at it. Have you met Ben Kenobi?

[hatesimprovising]

[ That perks him up a bit. ]

The name isn't familiar. [ He shakes his head. ] ...What is it that you-- or, both of you, can do?

[seeingscarlet]

[Wanda almost doesn't answer. Almost.]

There might be things I could do, but you will have to be more specific.

[hatesimprovising]

...How specific are we talking?

[ If there's even a chance of getting some help with this, he'll most likely tell her anything and everything she might need to know. But dropping his whole story at a simple request for more detail isn't something he'll do. Not without some specifics of his own. ]

And what kind of specifics? There are all kinds of details to this, and I'm not sure which ones you're looking for.

[seeingscarlet]

I need to know what happened to you, how it's affecting you now.

[She's not buying that 'asking for a friend' thing for a minute, by the way.]

Minds are...complicated.

mild cw: suicide mention, ptsd

[hatesimprovising]

Right. I hadn't figured this would be easy, so.

[ Dammit, she's on to him...

What happened, though. That's...not easy to talk about. But, if doing so means there's a chance to get some help dealing with it, then it's worth it. Hopefully. Sighing quietly, Wash nods.

Hopefully you're sitting down, Wanda. ]

Okay. I can tell you those things. It's a little complicated, but... To sum up what happened? I had an AI implanted directly into my head. It wasn't stable though, so it...started shedding memories and then-- [ He has to pause for a second, just to draw in a stabilizing breath. ] ...And then it tried to kill itself.

It was removed, but the memories it left are still here. [ Pointing at his head. ] A lot of them were traumatic events in and of themselves, and I keep getting them coming back as, like...flashbacks, is maybe the right word. I can't sleep because of nightmares. And I'm having trouble sometimes, remembering what things in my head are actually mine, and even...which person I actually am.

...That's a lot. Sorry to dump it all on you at once, but it's probably the minimum you need to know?

[realitywarped]

Oh, there's no doubt a great many out there. I could most likely do it, albeit at a potential risk to myself. But even if you can never learn to deal with them, no matter how horrifying those memories are- give them up, and perhaps you give up part of yourself too. Is it worth that cost to you?

[He shrugs. He has a whole lifetime of memories he could forget, but they're Loki's memories, and giving them up would feel awfully like giving up. Even if, sometimes, he wakes up frantically feeling for non-existent stitches through his lips.]

Or, no doubt, someone could probably take the edge off. Dull the memory, not remove it. I'd not recommend suppressing it, however. Things like that tend to come back at the most inconvenient time, worse than before.

[hatesimprovising]

I-- ...I'd be worried about that with anything that was actually mine. That probably wouldn't be worth it. But these... They weren't ever mine. And that's part of the problem.

[ There are horrors within them which are also part of the problem, but the very fact that he's remembering things that never happened to him but to someone else isn't proving to be great for him. Sometimes it's hard to keep in mind which person he actually is.

Rubbing at the side of his head, Wash stares quietly at the video for a moment. ]

Dulling would be okay, maybe. You're probably right about suppression, but getting rid of them entirely seems more beneficial. ...I think.

[ Now he's second guessing a little, trying to figure out if it would somehow be giving up part of himself. The memories aren't his, but them getting transferred to him, the things that they've made him realize... Those are his, and those would likely be affected in simply getting rid of what Epsilon left him. And then what?

...This is more complicated than he thought. ]

[realitywarped]

Beieve it or not, you're not the only one with someone else's memories, although at least mine are mostly in flashes and nightmares.

[Oddly, Loki knows an awful lot about having a head full of memories that aren't quite his- although it's more complicated in his case, because they also are his, and he's pretending they aren't. Being a god, one living a very large lie, gets complicated sometimes. It's enough, at least, to give him some sympathy for the situation.]

But having them is a memory in itself, yes? Whatever you were before the memories were given to you, you can't be again unless you erase that part of you completely. A kind of mental suicide, I think.

[Loki is Loki, memories and all, and he doesn't want to lose or erase anything yet. At least having the memories reminds him of all the mistakes he knows he doesn't want to make in this life.]

[ventifact]

have someone hit you in the head really, really hard

[hatesimprovising]

Is it bad if that idea is starting to look tempting?

[ Admittedly, the message amuses him a little, even if he's actually looking for serious suggestions. But, uh, he's not really kidding. ]

Something tells me that'll only make things worse, though.

[ventifact]

no because it makes sense
probably
you might forget something else instead

text;

[a_shadow]

You can't help Epsilon from here.

I can only assume he's your 'friend' you're talking about.

[ Yeah, she's pretty much entirely on to you, Wash. ]

text;

[hatesimprovising]

[ Hahahaha... Aw man... ]

I, uh. I wasn't really asking for him.

text;

[a_shadow]

I didn't know you could blush over text. How weird.

text.

[dislocked]

What do you hope is left behind when that memory is forgotten?

text.

[hatesimprovising]

Everything that was there before the...particular event. And everything that's happened since I came through the Ingress.

[ But maybe that's a little naive, considering the event/memories in question have influenced his actions since he arrived on the Moira. ]

video;

[goodluckkobra]

Have you tried repeatedly hittin' yourself in the head?

[ It will probably do something, right? ]

video;

[hatesimprovising]

Not yet. But it's starting to get tempting.

[ He's only half-joking. Also you're not original, someone already made the same joke. 0/10 try again. ]

video;

[goodluckkobra]

[ His face straightens up a little, like he doesn't really like what he's about to say. ]

Sometimes drugs'll help, but I don't think it's worth it. Up to you.

video;

[dualtone]

If you find out a way, let me know.

video;

[hatesimprovising]

You have a similar problem?

[ He shouldn't be so surprised--loads of people have things they'd rather forget. ]

video;

[dualtone]

... Yeah.

[ It's a surprisingly honest answer, given... Fushimi. ]

Doesn't everyone?