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[After Miller has gotten back from the station, helping Liquid (much to David's irritation) and assisting in a Bucky rescue. He had immediately had taken a shower and made sure his glasses were perfectly intact. But then? He made it to his room.]

[And this is the most exhausted sounding audio post he can probably make.]

Could someone bring me some new blankets and sheets for my bed on Nomo deck? It's #007. Apparently in my short time at the station, my husky saw fit to fill my bed with her small dogs. [And then to assure the few parties he knows will be concerned.] She's fine. They're fine. [It's just a mess.]

Apologies to my roommates. I'll have it cleaned up quickly. [He's been very on top of cleaning up after her. He's fussy enough to do this. But at the moment? After the prison? A little overwhelmed at the moment.]

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I was ready for slippers and hot cocoa when I was twenty. I don't think that's a great indicator of age. [But it is true, Ahab's older than him. Kaz had come to rely on his youthful exuberance at some point. It's gone now. That's what he mourns. But if he can at least reclaim a few lost shards of that mood. He feels better.]

Do you remember much?

[He has to ask that, finally.] About how you used to be? Who you were?

[The medic that took shrapnel to the head. It's a loaded question, but how much is a facsimile Big Boss, and how much is the original person changed to live as him. But that Snake's never been so eager to help him. And this one let him stand in front of their men when he barely could even do so.]

When you were twenty, huh? [He somehow doubted that, Kaz. He could imagine you young and fresh, trying to flirt with any attractive female on legs. At least that was when he knew you back at MSF. Cecile and all those others.]

You'd rather chat up that French girl than talk about Quetzals. [Yeah, that damn bird. Even though he never traipsed through the Costa Rican jungle, Snake could remember the sound of the bird and Kaz's voice over the radio. Fond memories ingrained into his head. When he heard his friend's last question Ahab flinched slightly. Was it that difficult to think about the past? The time before the crash and his coma? He hadn't really given it much thought.]

Not really. I know I was a medic but I still can't remember what my name was. Perhaps I never will. [Part of him wanted to forget about who he was back then because he was Big Boss now. A selfish part of him wanted to be this strong, admired soldier with skills unmatched by others. But then that wasn't really him, was it? He was a kind hearted man who aided others in the field of battle using his medical skills. He wasn't a cold-hearted killer and someone who didn't really care that much about others. It was all difficult and often gave him flashbacks at night in his dreams. Or maybe that was the horn.]

Had a dream a few nights back. I was standing next to you and Big Boss for a photograph. Back at MSF just in front of the chopper.

[Not that he was old, no. He would have been frisky as ever. But even a young man can like warm feet and hot drinks. Tea is better but that's neither here nor there.]

Yeah. You'd be right about that. But she didn't really like talking about what I liked either. She was pretty though. Spunky, energetic. Hope she found someone she liked. She deserved that. [In his heart, she'd always be "his Parisienne", as much associated with happier times as his guitar. He never won her over. He'd been lucky with many, but with her? He's actually glad he can think back to her calling him a "pest" with fondness.]

Not even your motherbase name, huh? Sorry to hear that.

[He genuinely is. He's wanted to know. Wanted to ask for a while. But some of him has suspected that most of the man originally there, the one that had been on that chopper with them, is gone. And here he's being told about a photograph, and Kaz can't even remember specifically when that would have been taken.] Yeah. Big Boss and I with the support team. We took pictures like that a few times with our crews. Wish I could remember better myself. [And he'll just end up buried in history, the same as Skull Face. A man erased, even now. Glad he has at least a little time to make himself into someone. It's just never enough.]

Yeah, she was. Most girls we met were like that back then. [Fond memories of all of them. Amanda....she was brave. She had spunk and pride for her country. That was something Ahab, or rather, Big Boss, favoured amongst everything else.]

Amanda was a good woman. [She was one of the few strong women at MSF that Snake actually admired for what she did. He hated that he could have caused those close to him to die. Chico, Paz...all good people. They shouldn't have died.]

No. Maybe I could have been something like Growling Bear. [Because he did grumble a lot like a bear and he was built like one. Sort of.]

Edited 2016-04-28 06:17 (UTC)

Would make sense. At least, it fits you now. [Was he like that before? Kaz remembers so very little about the man, and that makes him feel guilty. Just sometimes this person that patched people up. A face, barely etched in his memory, the man that pulled him away from Paz in his fit of aggression.]

She was. I didn't like her feelings about Chico. But she knew what she was doing out there. Still does.

[He would stand by how he felt about child soldiers. They didn't deserve to be out on the battlefield. Not like that. When they get to the lift his thoughts are still lingering there.]

[He offered Kaz a nod. Yeah. It fitted him. Who knows what his real MSF name was? He just wished he could remember more. There were the dreams he was having which sent him back to his past but they were foggy and didn't make much sense. It was like his life was a jigsaw and all the pieces were scattered about. Not much made sense.]

She cared for the boy but I understand what you mean. No kid should have to face the horrors of war. Not at that age.

[He knew what Kaz meant and actually sided with him on that one. Snake didn't believe in child soldiers just as much as he didn't. It wasn't right. A child should be able to enjoy being young, playing about with others of their age and not having to survive day to day with a gun in their hand. It was just cheap labour at the end of the day.]

As for trying to find myself I might see if the docs here can help me. Maybe I can find out my MSF name with their help.

[He was still unsure. He didn't want to be pumped with drugs or go under some sort of hypnosis again. It just brought back bad memories of when he was in hospital, being forced to be someone he wasn't. Yet, perhaps Ocelot could help? He trusted the man and he did have the skills that made him into Big Boss in the first place. It would probably be the only thing that would persuade him to undergo any type of procedure like that.]

Maybe have a word with Ocelot about hypnosis or something.

Edited 2016-04-29 07:50 (UTC)

[His mind darts back to what Ocelot told him. Seems like as fair a moment as any to mention it.]

He mentioned you two had gotten close. [After Miller had seen the bite marks.] I think he'll do whatever is in his power to help you. He lives for you and Ishmael. [Miller just wants to try and live at all now. He can't make the same sacrifices. Getting his limbs hacked off, suffering interrogations was bad enough. But dying alone? Used as a weapon against someone that respects him. He can't tolerate that.] He's the one who did it. Maybe he can undo it. To some extent.

[He's pretty glad when the lift stops and he can quickly abandon part of that conversation, focus on finding ways to get Ahab his identity back. So he doesn't have to live as "Big Boss" here. Being Big Boss here doesn't even matter. It's just a ridiculous name, that means only as much as they make it.]

[Ahab glanced at Kaz when he mentioned Ocelot. Shit. Had the cowboy shown him those bite marks? Part of him wanted to be proud of that but the other part caused him to cower with shame inside. Kaz shouldn't be the one to see them, since Ahab never wanted to hurt the blond's feelings. He cared for both men and would die for both men.]

Something like that. [Yeah. He didn't want to go into that right now. Just the work side of things.]

I don't want to erase who I am. Just want to delve deeper into my past slowly, not rushing. I still get PTSD nightmares and hallucinations. Don't want to become psychotic or anything.

[Because if he delved too far and tried to erase the Big Boss side of him, what then? He might just be an empty shell aimlessly walking around the ship confused and scared. No, that wouldn't do. The men back at Diamond Dogs still needed him and he would uphold that. He just wanted to dig, not completely remove the Big Boss elements.]

I'm going to start off slow and see how it goes. Never liked hospitals or hypnosis, so I'm still a little apprehensive of it all.

[He never hurt him, at least. Not really. So he wouldn't have to worry about that. But it is a topic that Kaz is avoiding, so he can't reassure him.]

Good idea. I'll admit, I've never messed around with someone's head. [Thank god.] I don't know how it works.

[When they get closer to Med Bay, he turns to face him.]

See? Doing pretty good. Didn't even need to use you as a crutch. [Just the slightest limp, and that's it. He'll still feel more secure when he has his replacement, but until then...]

[He's glad Kaz didn't press the matter further because talking about love and sex wasn't really Ahab's thing. He was more into battle, companionship and war stuff.]

Yeah. Bad things can happen once you start messing with someone's head. Ocelot's got that skill. [He knows the cowboy prides himself on how manipulative he can be during torture sessions. Just seeing Huey squirm on that seat showed Ahab how powerful Ocelot's techniques were. He wasn't placed in the GRU for nothing.]

I'm still your crutch, Kaz. Mentally as well as physically. Sometimes a warm and comforting hand can aid you better than a cold, metal stick. [Yeah, he's trying to be romantic. Sort of. He just cares, ok?]

You're doing pretty good. I'm always going to be here though to pick you up if you fall. [Whether that's if you have a PTSD breakdown or suffer any injury. Ahab won't let you down.]

[Ocelot has too much of that skill. But that's neither here nor there. Miller's been doing his best to cling to the realization that he's not just a soldier, there's still a man under there. He has no interest in helping the interrogator, but wants the cowboy to live through this mess.]

[He smiles a little at the words of support, in that way that most of his smiles are subdued anymore. Rarely are they as freely thrown around at everyone and everything they used to be.]

I never doubted it.

[But he needs to look out for himself first. He would tell him, but it sounds like he's already got the right idea. He gives him a lazy little wave as he heads into Med Bay- one of the bonuses of not having to use that crutch all the time. He can do that.]

[The smile pleased Ahab. Just to see his friend actually smile was something that warmed his heart. He wanted to make a difference and it seemed he was on the right track.]

I'll see you around. Get in touch if I need to.

[He nodded at the lazy wave and petted DD on the head, as he barked a goodbye to Kaz.]

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