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[beautifulspaceraptor]

[ There’s a Turian face filling the screen, bright, large green eyes and youthful face, but the colony markings should be a dead give away for who it was. The moment he’s sure the camera is on, Nihlus starts chattering away. ]

So like, I finally managed to hack into my omni-tool’s data storage proper and it’s a freaking treasure trove, holy shit. There’s like a million pictures of Saren Fucking Arterius on here?

[ Cue some awkward angling with the MID to properly frame said omni-tool- and there is, indeed, a screenful of thumbnail photos of Saren Arterius. The teen scrolls through the file navigator with one hand, chortling as he does. ]

Look, look- here’s one of him picking his nose.

Here’s one of him in the middle of a sneeze.

And this one’s my favorite so far, okay okay- it’s the fucker tripping over a leaf. Haha, fuck, the extranet would have been alllll over this shit- whoa hey, he’s got a pretty nice butt for someone who’s like a millions years old. Dang.

[ Being a teenager does not seem to have cured him of his awful tastes, unfortunately. ]

Anyways, there’s also like, the most beautifully curated collection of vid porn that I have ever seen in my life, so if you want copies and aren’t like, a baby or something, just ping me!

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[whatdidisay]

( so miles is gone. which is both great (he's finally free of him) and awful (if something actually seriously happened to him, ivan's going to get blamed). but so long as he's somewhere else harassing some poor sod that isn't ivan vorpatril, he's okay with it.

but that's not what he's here for, today. no, he's here because once again wherever they've landed has interrupted his personal plans and life. just one more thing. no one properly appreciates the fact that this hasn't driven him crazy yet, although this certainly is the closest to the limit he's gotten.

ivan's face finally swims into view, as annoyingly handsome as ever. his voice is accented, similar to russian, and his expression is decidedly put-upon. )

So did the "we're all going to die in terrible ways and/or unsavory things happening to you and yours" thing get thrown out with the old Captains? Because this is new. And really, I was just starting to get used to that. But you just don't expect to wake up one morning and find out that your girlfriend is now a three-year old.

( can he break up with her until this is all over? she's three! )

So, uh, anyone up for babysitting? I just ( ivan's gaze flickers off camera, and he groans, the feed falling from his face to show a snatch of dark hair and part of a wall ) Don't touch that!

( a little fumbling, and half of his face appears in the feed again )

Babysitter. I'm not good with kids, they get worse when they start walking and getting into everything. I'd appreciate it. She'd probably appreciate it if she knew. Thanks.