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( so miles is gone. which is both great (he's finally free of him) and awful (if something actually seriously happened to him, ivan's going to get blamed). but so long as he's somewhere else harassing some poor sod that isn't ivan vorpatril, he's okay with it.

but that's not what he's here for, today. no, he's here because once again wherever they've landed has interrupted his personal plans and life. just one more thing. no one properly appreciates the fact that this hasn't driven him crazy yet, although this certainly is the closest to the limit he's gotten.

ivan's face finally swims into view, as annoyingly handsome as ever. his voice is accented, similar to russian, and his expression is decidedly put-upon. )

So did the "we're all going to die in terrible ways and/or unsavory things happening to you and yours" thing get thrown out with the old Captains? Because this is new. And really, I was just starting to get used to that. But you just don't expect to wake up one morning and find out that your girlfriend is now a three-year old.

( can he break up with her until this is all over? she's three! )

So, uh, anyone up for babysitting? I just ( ivan's gaze flickers off camera, and he groans, the feed falling from his face to show a snatch of dark hair and part of a wall ) Don't touch that!

( a little fumbling, and half of his face appears in the feed again )

Babysitter. I'm not good with kids, they get worse when they start walking and getting into everything. I'd appreciate it. She'd probably appreciate it if she knew. Thanks.

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[There's a disappointed squeal from off-camera, but no immediate screaming. Instead she attaches herself to Ivan's pant leg. This is a nice man.]

~~[This is the closest person to her at the moment.]~~

( oh god why is this happening to him

ivan gently reaches down and attempts to pry elizabeth off of his leg, to varying degrees of success. no one is around to appreciate the fact that he does not try and kick her off. )

Come on, Elizabeth. Let go?

Edited 2016-08-19 20:20 (UTC)

[She doesn't quite understand why he wants her to let go, but Ivan has the size and strength advantage on her. Elizabeth stumbles back a few steps, liberating Ivan's pant leg, but in the next moment she's looking up at him like he just took away her security blanket. But, to her credit, she doesn't grab onto him again in flagrant defiance of his clear authority.]

Going away?

( for some reason, the question strikes ivan right in the i won't leave you alone promise he'd made elizabeth months and months ago. dammit. alright, fine, so he won't leave her in his room to go find someone else to take care of her, he'll just.

carry her around until he can find someone else to foist her off on. sounds great. )

No, I guess not.

( and okay, he's seen... women.. do this. how hard can it be? he bends down, aiming to sweep elizabeth up into a grip that will let her throw her arms around his neck. that can't be difficult, he can manage that, right? )

[Picking up a baby isn't so difficult, it's true. But it does require certain...key things. Like support from the bottom. Elizabeth doesn't start squirming or fussing, and just hangs with her shoulders pushing inward, arms out at strange angles. Surely be can't mean to hold her like this the whole time...]

[Eventually she starts trying to get her legs around Ivan's waist, which proves difficult given how well he fills out his uniform and how little Elizabeth's legs are. In the end, she's digging her heels into his hips and wondering how she got there.]

[But she's not upset. Someone is holding her, that's all she wants.]

( this is progress!! probably.

except that her heels are probably hitting his spleen or his gut or something that is really, really uncomfortable. )

Uh. Elizabeth?

[Elizabeth pushes against Ivan's spleen or gut or something and tries to get a bit more purchase on Ivan's shoulders, finally wrapping her arms around his shoulders and hanging off of him with a giggle.]

Good?

( he makes a small, pained sound with that final dig, although by then he realizes that maybe she shouldn't be free hanging.. what do you do, what do you do... cautiously wrapping one arm around her to support her weight, he nods. this is better. probably.

what did he do to deserve this? )

Yeah, better.

( except for the fact where she's still a kid. he still hasn't figured that one out yet. )

[She grins and coos at Ivan giving his stamp of approval, wrapping her arms around his neck in a very decisive hug.]

Better. Yeah better.

Who were you talking to?

I can help if you need it.

How is she with dogs?

Grabby, probably, if my experience holds true.

I think Mama can handle it. If you need the assist, I'll come by.

[Even if most of his child care experience has been dealing with dangerous juvenile soldiers, and they kind of stole a giant robot. He does care, though.]

Dude, she's probably just bored.

[ while older Andyr is probably going to hate him for getting himself into this, once he bloops back to that, 17 year old Andyr is fresh from years of training children at his dad's academy and babysitting for half the neighborhood, so, it just seems fair. ]

I'll help you out, I'm used to little kids. What's her name?

( Ivan's hero. )

I'd do whatever m'mother did to keep me entertained, but it was mostly playing with Gregor and Elena and told not to break my other cousin's bones. It's Elizabeth. Normally she's older and ( way more attractive with decent curves. ) normally asks before she decides to pull out a box of knives from under my bed.

( long story. )

Yeah, might be a good idea to put the knives somewhere she can't reach, in a room she can't get to.

[ dude you left knives just sitting under your bed with a toddler around, come on. ]

Is she as likely to break bones on people as you were?

[sporfl. this is nuts, which is a silver lining after the past few days.]

All in all, I'm in favor of less death. Have you tried telling her stories?

[Well, she did say she was someone's girlfriend and he's mentioning a kid about the same age, so... Worth a shot.]

Do you happen to be missing about... Twenty knives?

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here have an audio reply 80 years later