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[stantheman]

I really like birds. My favorite is the evening grosbeak male but the female is pretty cool too.

One of my friends is teaching me how to make bird sounds but I really suck at it and I'm still trying to do the first one she showed me. I'm better at bird watching.

What's your favorite animal? Do you have a hobby you that's related to them?

That's another thing I love about birds. It's a whole thing.

Comments

[stantheman]

And your note. I keep them by my bed.

You didn't have to do anything, you know... I didn't really do the gift thing...

[beeped]

sure i did. you're my friend and that's the normal thing to do during holidays.

plus everything's been so goddamn fucking weird. i thought maybe it might cheer you up?

[stantheman]

I guess weird's a good name for it.

It does. It makes me wish there were birds to look at here.

I should have gotten everyone something. I have a lot of the Hanukkah candy left, though.

[beeped]

if you want help eating candy no one's going to object to that






you wanna tell me what's going on, pal?

[stantheman]

Well, I'll share it.

Maybe.

Are you doing okay?

[beeped]

not really
i don't think anyone is

[stantheman]

[ And that's a reason he doesn't really want to talk about what's wrong with him. After all he's wholly responsible for what he did... it's different for everyone else. ]

Probably not.

There's more important things than what's going on with me.

[beeped]

that's a crock of shit, stanley

i don't know what's going on but it still matters

[stantheman]

It's not shit.

But you ever think that I wasn't there?

Like... it's my fault that I'm not and so like...


It matters a lot less right now even if it matters.

[beeped]

it matters that you weren't there
like a whole fucking lot



it's okay to be not okay right now
but you don't have to be not okay alone

[stantheman]

I know it matters and it's my fault that I wasn't.


I know. I'm just trying to understand stuff and I'm not alone. You guys are around and I'm here and I haven't done anything shitty yet. And I'm not gonna.

[beeped]

what do you mean it's your fault that you weren't there?

[stantheman]

I was already dead, okay?

[beeped]

what the fuck.


it got you, too?

[stantheman]

That would have been better.

I don't really want to talk about this like this...

[ Not that facing Richie with his shame and guilt would be much better. ]

[beeped]

where are you?

[He'll just immediately go to wherever Stan is, really. This is important.]

[stantheman]

I'm going to come back to the Unit for this.

[ Stan had been in the library. He's been researching Suicide which had led to researching Depression and other mental illness. He'd just come across a small book on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which among a few others he tucked into his back, hiding them between bird books as he goes back to the unit to meet Richie.

He feels like a boulder is in his stomach. He'd been angry at Richie for a while but then he realized that everything is really his fault and he didn't have anything to be angry at Richie about. Everything that happened, he could have made a difference if he hadn't been a coward.

And he remembers those initial harsh outbursts from Eddie and kind of expects worse from Richie -- not that he doesn't think he deserves them, because he's been living in a world of shame and guilt ever since he saw his own death and the compounded when hearing about Eddie and then watching it fracture everyone but feeling like he didn't know what to do to help anyone.

It's his fault, right? ]

Richie?

[beeped]

[Richie's sitting on the couch in the living room when Stan returns. He'd been not to far away, so it didn't take long for him for him to get home. No one else is there right now--Richie assumes that Eddie and Bill are off somewhere.

Right now? It doesn't matter, but he's relieved that they're going to have privacy to talk about this. When Stan enters the unit, Richie twists around on the couch to look at him.]

Hey, Stan.

[stantheman]

[ Stan exhales heavily when Richie looks at him and he drops his bag to the side before moving to drop down onto the couch. He's a little less put together than he might normally be.

He thinks about setting this up somehow but he doesn't know how. ]

When It came back, I killed myself instead coming back. So everything that happened... if I'd been there...It's my fault.

[ Graceful. ]

[beeped]

Wait, what the fuck?

[Stan just comes out and says it so bluntly and quickly that Richie feels like he just got whiplash. Is this a joke? If so, it isn't funny, and Richie's left staring. He just really doesn't have words for this.

Not when he can't believe his ears.]

whoops should have cw: suicide above

[stantheman]

[ The thing is, Stan's not sure he would get around to telling Richie had he not just blurted it out. He's ashamed of it and he feels guilty and like everything that it appears happens after his own death is somehow too his fault. There's no tell for a joke because he's as serious as he could possibly be. ]

I can't really say it more plainly...

[beeped]

That's the problem, Stanley! [Is he shrieking? Almost definitely, especially now that it's starting to sink in.] You can't--you can't say that shit plainly.

Oh my god. Oh my god [He covers his mouth as his chest heaves, staring at Stan with wide-eyes.]

[stantheman]

[ Stan doesn't know exactly what to do with Richie reacting like this. It's really a tiny part of the reason he hadn't wanted to talk about it to anyone. He can barely handle himself.

And he hadn't known how else to say it to him... ]

Richie calm down... please. [ His hands are fisted tight, pressed down against the couch. ] Please...?

[ He furrows his brow in thought, searching for some way to comfort him. ]

I'm sorry...

[beeped]

H-how can I calm down? You ki-- [Richie can't even bring himself to say it. This is beyond his comprehension for so many reasons. He struggles to keep the nausea at bay. He just hates this so much, it doesn't sound like the Stan he knows.

It hurts. And then Richie's launching himself at Stan, throwing his arms around him in a fierce hug.] Why?

[stantheman]

[ Stan at least is glad that he's not about to burst into tears again, he thinks. He doesn't think that would help Richie at all but then again he doesn't know anything that would help him.

He's struggling for words when suddenly Richie is hugging him. He feels like it knocks the air out of him at first and then his eyes feel wet and he blinks rapidly before his arms are around Richie, hugging him back. ]

Why...what exactly? [ He asks, his voice a little thick. ]