audio; slightly backdated to an ungodly hour of the morning

[shashka]

Good morning.

[ the voice on the other end seems to have a vague Russian accent. ]

Since it seems to be a common theme lately, I have a question for everyone: What is the absolute strangest thing you've ever seen or experienced, either where you come from, or from here?

[ a pause ]

In the interest of good faith, I've got a story to share with you about mine. My first Commanding Officer had the unique ability to shoot electricity out of his hands. He was a real piece of work, [ no that was probably sharing too much ] but that's neither here or there. Anyways... he could shoot electricity out of his hands. Which you might or might not find out of the ordinary, but it wasn't quite the weirdest shit I've ever run up against.

[ but back to the story ] Anyways, he ended up getting killed by an enemy agent, much to the dismay of almost no one. But, even if his brain was gone, somehow his body was kept alive, almost out of sheer spite.

And twenty years later, he woke up. But he was on fire. And that fire... [ a pause as he looks for the right word ] zombie [ that was not the right word ] chased me and this other guy on a flaming unicorn.

And that was the strangest thing I've ever experienced.

[ but instead of it shutting off, his tone changes ever so slightly, as he seems to be talking to a person on the other end. ]

-So as you can see, I'm perfectly...

[ no. now it's shut off. ]

Comments

[nishizono]

my DOB states 1994
you're really old

[ technically he's way younger than that, buuuuuuuuut digression, and also beside the point. ]

so were you cool or were you uh
square???

[shashka]

I don't really keep up with current hair styles.

Besides, things are different in the Soviet Union than the West.

[ he's not even touching on the "old" comments. because. he's. not. old. ]

[nishizono]

oh

1984, that's cold war era right?

were there really a lot of spies

[shashka]

Well, if you know there's lots of spies, they aren't very good spies, now are they?

[ you're talking to one. ]

[nishizono]

[ what the hell is up with this showbiz answer ]

does it look like we're in soviet russia, surrounded by the kgb, with the kremlin breathing down our necks

[shashka]

For all you know, there might be spies among us right now. Monitoring the network, even.

But the KGB had nothing on the GRU.

[ drunk though he is, he's willing to reveal he's a special forces soldier. that's all the kid needs to know. ]

[nishizono]

there's always spies
that's a given even in 2014
spies are a constant of everyday life

[ well, if he's speaking for himself anyway. spies are everywhere, grass is green, etc. ]

what's the GRU?

[shashka]

[ 2014... well. he'd be properly old then, if he was still alive. ]

The military intelligence branch of the Soviet Union. They have a bit of a rivalry with the KGB.

[ and he works for both. you have to keep everyone on their toes. ]

[nishizono]

so it's like the cia versus the fbi or something
huh
the more you know

which one were you?

[ he's just going off some assumptions here, thanks ]

[shashka]

[ he has no problem answering this. one thing was at least public knowledge. ]



The GRU, of course. Back home, I'm a Soviet officer.

[nishizono]

didn't think there would be inter-agency competition in russia, of all places
this is cool to know though
what else do you guys do?

[shashka]

Like I said, I was military.

Nothing too much out of the ordinary. Though I did get the change to meet some fascinating people, as you heard.

[nishizono]

yeah, speaking about that
the unicorn isn't an allegory, right
that was an actual mythical unicorn???

so was the guy a virgin or was that fake?

[shashka]

No, it was a unicorn produced by psychic energy or something.

And that guy was definitely not a virgin.

[ a fact that he knew all too well. thankfully, however, not from firsthand experience. ]

[nishizono]

a magical unicorn
that was on fire
because of psychic energy

[ okay, he's... backing away from his TAB screen real quick because that doesn't sound like something that'll actually happen says the kid who is also five different people all at once but hey. ]

if the zombie and the unicorn were both on fire how did they manage to chase after you???

heat + weight pressure + g-force + bones = fucked up organic structural integrity

how can a brainless zombie psychic his way out of the laws of gravity, he's brainless

[shashka]

[ look kid he's a little drunk, he's not about to explain all of the TOTALLY LEGIT science behind psychic manifestations. ]

It was a mixture of the man's vengeful spirit combined with the residual energy of a psychic that was in the area.

Sometimes, psychic energy bends the laws of reality.

[ he's not a scientist, just the son of a psychic ghost ok? ]

[nishizono]

[ sounds super duper fake but okay, mister. ]

...okay, that's fair.

so hatred manifests as a unicorn. that's almost... cute, actually. huh.

[shashka]

There was nothing cute about him.

[ the deepest drunk confession he'll ever give. ]

[nishizono]

[ there's a story behind this, huh? to pry or to pry in a very rude manner... ]

you're only saying that because he was on fire, i bet.

[shashka]

[ there is a story. but even drunk Ocelot likely won't say more than "he was a prick". ]

Sure, kid.