01 ☂ Voice; (backdated to sun's out, fun's out event)

[chaoticluptral]

[A woman's voice comes over the network. She sounds annoyed. Like she's been waiting and waiting for something and now that it's finally happened, she has to collect herself.]

Yes, hello? Is this the Customer Service line? I've been trying to call your shit for days now. I know that the sun is out and everything but that doesn't mean you can not answer the phone! If the sun goes out, who else am I gonna call? I've got to report this service outage to someone. The sun going out is also kinda unprofessional. I'm not exactly feeling confident in you guys here.

Anyway, my complaint is as follows. I need to get off this plane of existence like right fucking now. And I know that it's probably not your fault who you pick up and drop off here, it's just policy and blah blah blah but it's very important that I get back to the plane of existence I was on before. I want to return this kidnapping for a full refund.

I hate to show up and run without wrecking any shit as is my thing, but this is kind of getting in the way of what I'm trying to do. Which is literally ONE JOB. I had one fucking job and this makes it look like I can't do one job. So for the sake of my resume and the universe, send me back.

Also some asshole owes me 15 dollars and I need to collect. Priorities and all.

Yes, that's it. Thank you for your time. But next time if this complaint doesn't go through, I'm gonna ask for your goddamn manager!

((No TAZ spoilers really in the post but some might always appear in the comments, I will try to warn for anything in the subject head!))

Comments

[chaoticluptral]

I don't know shit about the Bureau of Balance but... are you talking about Fisher? Where is he? You two haven't been apart since we left that place. It's kinda weird cute.

[ruffboi]

Fisher? That is cute. But, okay, so those words make sense to you? Voidfish makes sense to you?

[Hmm.]

Because the thing is, I think there are two of them. Most of what you're saying just sounds like 'Krrsh ksssk zalgo shhhhkr"

[chaoticluptral]

Voidfish? You mean Fisher? There's two?

[No, she's pretty sure there was just one.]

Magnus, my man, this is hurting my head. And I'm not even hearing any static.

[ruffboi]

Yeah, but like -- you're saying we know you, and we can't remember you, and when you talk about the things we don't remember, it's static. That's how the voidfish does it? Listen. I don't have great perception but I feel like it's reasonable to put this together. Fisher [just rolling with the name because it's very cute] has a jelly baby somewhere, and the Director fed you and the rest of the [he makes some static noises] to it, and that's what's going on.

Anyway, hey! I'm Magnus! Or, well, you know that. Who are you?

[chaoticluptral]

While I appreciate the thoughtful attempt at putting things together, Magnus, that's still a lot of the story that doesn't make any sense. And I can't even explain it to y'all or else I'm just gonna sound like a shitty radio station that stops working 2 feet outta the city.

[A sigh. She's frustrated. She wants to talk to Magnus about how they met Fisher in the Conservatory and how she fought off the damn apocalypse to help Magnus save the little guy but... it doesn't sound like he'll be able to even hear it if he wanted to.]

Lup. I'm Lup.

[ruffboi]

Hmm. Well, the voidfish only works on alive people? So what if I died, and then you could tell me everything, and then they'll bring me back to life?

[At least Magnus hasn't changed very much. Take comfort in that.]

[chaoticluptral]

Hmmmm. Somehow that's both clever and stupid at the same time. So how would you die? Falling off a cliff? Magic missile? Eating something you're allergic too? We're gonna have to narrow it down.

[ruffboi]

All of those are options, though, in my opinion, pretty boring ones. You only get so many free deaths, so I'm not going to just waste it. Especially because none of those things you said are powerful enough to kill me.

Oh, but I have to be able to hear you talk even after I'm dead, so I guess we need to use magic. Hmm. You a wizard? You got any spells that can do that?