video;

[ruffboi]

[The video feed turns on, although it’s at a bit of an odd angle - you see the video moving as though whoever is holding it has no idea it’s on. You get a shaky glimpse of the ground, an arm, a hat, before it’s held up. The picture is half obscured by a large thumb, but you can still make out two faces - an elf with a pointy hat and a human with magnificent sideburns. It re-adjusts as someone pushes it from the side to center it more on the elf. ]

I don’t think it’s working - wait - Uh, hail and well met, my good - Whoever you are. My name is Magnus Burnsides, and this is my companion -

Uh, that’s San-- Ysandra Lyee? That’s my name. The Y is silent, my good whoever you ares. [He’s not going to specify which Y. Or where they are, because this is audio and they’re silent, obviously.]

[Whispers. Audibly.] Oh, were we doing fake names? Cool. Nevermind. I accidentally said the wrong name. My actual name is Leeman Kessler.

[Whispering, also audibly.] You think, you think It’s a great idea to just roll up in here and tell them our names? Yeah, cool, good well-thought out plan, hey thanks for the kidnapping, real great to meet ya’ homies, lovin’ it here. Nice weather we’re having today in this cool new reality, here’s my real actual identity. Go nuts!

[Covering the entire picture with his palm as he continues to whisper. Not at all covering the mic.] Okay, okay, well, I think they bought it. Not that I get where knowing our names would get them. Uh, anyway, that’s us. Leeman and whatever he just said. We’re here to help. Can all of you just go ahead and tell us whatever is going on here? Any strange occurrences? Someone maybe, for example, seemingly under the thrall of a powerful magical artifact? That kind of thing?

Yeah-- I’m, whatever I just said. Or what I wrote on that paperwork. Just a great-- Having a great time all around, super into the invasions of body and privacy, and whatever. Can’t wait for more. Anyway, we’re ready for your exposition dump. Lay it on us. Also accepting answers in categories, uh, “what the fuck” and “why” - I know, they gave us the little guidebook, but full disclosure, did not read it. And also maybe where the nearest Fantasy wholesale shopping store is? Wasn’t exactly planning on this, completely underestimated the amount of snacks I’d need for this trip.

Comments

[action, because. y'know they're in the same room.]

[chaoticlootral]

[That's everything, right? That's all the necessary information to broadcast. They definitely haven't forgotten anything that might be kind of important. There is something that is kind of at the back of his mind, did. Did Magnus get a haircut, or something. Wait--]

Hey, listen, now that's out of the way-- Maybe we should have had a chat before we, uh, dove right into whatever that was. Caught up. But that's fine. No problem. This is exactly what I expected you to look like.

[all of this is still being broadcast]

[ruffboi]

Man, you got a guide...? [He got one too, but reading is for nerds.]

Anyway, it's fine! We handled it. And thanks! You look exactly what I expected you to look like, too.

[just this hour long voicemail in your pocket like grandma forgot to hang up the phone]

[chaoticlootral]

Yeah! Yeah, of course. I look exactly like what I'd be expected to look like and that wasn't a weird thing to say.

[Well yeah, reading is definitely for nerds, hence why he didn't read it. This conversation isn't actually the thing he was forgetting, it still feels like there might be something else. What the fuck could it be.]

Now, this is gonna sound like a kinda strange question, but it's not, so just take it in a totally chill way. What's up with you? What's happening with Magnus.

video;

[otiosity]

Ohh, fake names. Wish I'd been able to do a fake name. But now's the perfect time to start so I'm going to be "Hugh Morris". Just "Mo" for short.

[ruffboi]

You can be anyone in the world, and you choose Hugh Morris? Reach for the stars, I guess.

[otiosity]

Reaching the stars would take a lot of effort. I'll take just the very tippy tops of all the buildings at best.

[chaoticlootral]

Hugh? No. Nah. Here, I'm gonna give you another chance. One more time.

[otiosity]

I like Hugh. Do you normally go around telling people that their names aren't good enough? Have you thought about the implications of your actions? Judging people for their name? That's a dark and dangerous road to tread down.

video;

[sketchycharacter]

Okay, speaking as someone with experience? You guys need to step up your alias game.

[chaoticlootral]

Who said we don't have experience with this? Personally, I've got plenty. Absolutely crammed full of E-X-P. [E-Ecks-Pee.]

But gonna just agree to disagree, my dude, think it's going fine. For example, you still don't know who I am.

[sketchycharacter]

Sure, but I do know you're concerned about people knowing your names. If you were better at offering up fakes, I wouldn't wonder why that is.

[ruffboi]

Well. Can't argue with that. Okay, what would you go with? Give me a good one.

[sketchycharacter]

Hmm. [He takes a good long look.] Max. You look like a Max.

voice;

[brokeassgoing]

This entire goddamn situation is strange but yeah, something weird came outta my toilet. Can you help with that?

[ruffboi]

Toilets, huh? Yeah, those can be tricky. No problem, I'll come check it out.

[Seems like he's really going to do it.]

[brokeassgoing]

I thought for sure you'd tell me to fuck off, Sideburns....well.

[chaoticlootral]

[Oh good, Magnus is already volunteering to dig around a stranger's toilet, this is going about as well as expected.]

Usually when that happens to me I just cast Banishment and move on, my dude.

[brokeassgoing]

Cast....banishment....you a wizard or a nerd.

video;

[arcreact]

Asking about any strange occurrences happening here is an info dump nobody's gonna have the time or attention span for. Just so you know.

But, on-record: "Magnus Burnsides" is a much better name.

[chaoticlootral]

Not even gonna give old "nearest place to get a good price on some snacks" one a try? That one was a softball.

[arcreact]

Unless you wanna know all the best dives for a good bar fight, you're outta luck. Though, some advice - if they've got something called "Trychean gizzards" on the menu, or their mixed drinks are still smoking by the time they're delivered, run far.

... Or don't. Probably depends on if you're already drunk at the time.

[ruffboi]

Yeah, makes sense. If no one has the time and attention span for it, we definitely don't have that.

[So, moving right along.]

Appreciate it, man. Whoever has that name as their real actual name is a lucky fellow. But tell me something. What would you say to something more along the lines of Magnus "the Hammer" Burnsides. Even better, right?

video

[tearsinajar]

'Burnsides'? I'm thinking you got that mixed up. Y'know, just by looking at you.

[ NO OFFENSE. But damn those sideburns. ]

And hey, my name isn't Elena Fisher. It's really Crystal Sizzle.

[ Winky face. ]

[ruffboi]

So you're saying my name should just be what my facial hair is? Seems like a stretch! Seems like in that naming convention, most of you are of the Nobeard clan.

Actually, Sideburns isn't the worst a guy could do.

[chaoticlootral]

[What!!!!! No!!!! Unfair!!! Crystal Sizzle is a really good name.]

Oh, shit, you willin' to switch? I mean, I could just take it. Really more in line with my brand.