kurt wαgnєr [ɹǝןʍɐɹɔʇɥƃıu] (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
shadowblends) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
thisavrou2017-02-21 03:32 pm
shadowblends) wrote in thisavrou2017-02-21 03:32 pm
❧ 002 [video]
[When the TAB first flickers to life, all that's visible is an intricately scarred cheek with just the slightest peek of ivory fangs past blue lips. There's the faint sound of something shifting about and finally, Kurt comes into full view.
He's sitting on the edge of an old stone fountain, his tail swishing back and forth behind him, a grin plastered across his face.] I know very little about this holiday, but I've read a few things in an attempt to try and understand better.
[Meaning that he has forgone all the really romantic and couple-esque things about 'Valentine's Day' or whatever they would be calling it on Thisavrou.]
Giving chocolate to someone you like is traditional and I have more than a few friends and other people that I enjoy being around, so ... [He reaches over to pick up a small black box and pops the lid off of it, revealing the candy inside.]
Who wants some chocolate? [A soft laugh follows shortly after his inquiry as he replaces the lid and clutches the box to his chest, smile somehow broadening.]
I'm more than willing to deliver it, too.
(ooc: cw for anyone that decides to read the thread with kurt and j. [mentions of self-harm, internalized transphobia and ... self-loathing?])
He's sitting on the edge of an old stone fountain, his tail swishing back and forth behind him, a grin plastered across his face.] I know very little about this holiday, but I've read a few things in an attempt to try and understand better.
[Meaning that he has forgone all the really romantic and couple-esque things about 'Valentine's Day' or whatever they would be calling it on Thisavrou.]
Giving chocolate to someone you like is traditional and I have more than a few friends and other people that I enjoy being around, so ... [He reaches over to pick up a small black box and pops the lid off of it, revealing the candy inside.]
Who wants some chocolate? [A soft laugh follows shortly after his inquiry as he replaces the lid and clutches the box to his chest, smile somehow broadening.]
I'm more than willing to deliver it, too.
(ooc: cw for anyone that decides to read the thread with kurt and j. [mentions of self-harm, internalized transphobia and ... self-loathing?])
i went ahead and added a thing up in the earlier entry (especially for this tag)
It's odd to have someone bring his scars into question; most people see them, scold or pity him and leave it at that, but J's actually asking him why he does it. He can't admit to the other reason yet and frankly, he's not sure she would understand that reasoning either, but he has to think of some way to answer her question truthfully and without letting on that he's becoming uncomfortable with the way this conversation seems to be headed.]
Sure, we can go with 'equally weird.' Have you ever had an adrenaline rush? Exsanguination offers that, too. I'm not saying that's a reason I do it. [Although, he's not going to admit that it's been reason before; the sting of the cut, the dull throb, throb, throbbing of his pulse, the bloom of epinephrine as he bleeds out. One of the same reasons why other people do drugs and maybe that's another thing that scares him: he enjoys the feeling.]
no subject
So really, this is nothing but a pot calling kettle but it still everything but stops her fleshing out the tone of her voice with judgement. And it's not like she can't read the uneasiness and reluctance from him. But the more he shies away and tries to withdraw to himself away from her, the more does she want to chase and drag him out.
It's a cruel play.]
So. Does that mean you get kicks out of it? Isn't that what an 'adrenaline rush' is all about? [She pressures, her sharp and keen eyes fixated on him.] Don't worry. That's not even weirdest kink I've encountered.
no subject
He huffs an indignant breath, straightens his posture and narrows his eyes in an almost skeptical manner at the woman in front of him, unsure as to what she is trying to accomplish by continuing to push at his insecurities.]
If you're asking if I do it because I enjoy it, I don't. [That's a lie.] And I'm not sure how cutting myself would be a 'kink.'
[Since he has no idea what it is, anyway.]
no subject
It's an ugly need for superiority and to be right.]
Sweetie. There's bunch of people who get a hard on just for thinking about being bent over and spanked. [She laughs and inhales more smoke from her cigarette] I wouldn't be surprised if there were perverts enjoying cutting themselves up. Or what do you think?
no subject
His chest puffs, crimson eyes narrowing with skepticism.]
My scarification is not 'perverted' in any sort of way, miss J. [He plants his fists on his hips and antagonistically flicks his tail.] I think whatever people do for ... for pleasure is their own business, but that is not the reason in my case.
no subject
She uncrosses her legs and stands up from the bed, the bright cigarette still hanging between her fingers. Taking the few steps forward, she's standing right in front of him.]
Not to be closer to God and not to get some freaky perverted kicks, I see. [J tilts her head to the side and raises her free hand to touch his cheek.]
Then what part do you enjoy then? Do you think it'll salvage you? That God will love and forgive you for looking like this?
no subject
He's not entirely sure what had come over him to make him get defensive like that, but he's less worried about it now and more concentrating on how she continues coming forward, only stopping once they are practically staring each other down.
To be quite honest, he's fleetingly struck mute by her barrage of questions, unsure as to how he can respond without possibly making a fool out of himself, although in his mind, he'd already done that by getting snippy with her. So, no reason to stop now?
Her hand settles on his cheek and Kurt slackens marginally, like a weight has dropped onto his shoulders, his head bowing forward so he can look at their feet instead.] ... God forgives those who ask for it, but I wouldn't expect someone who doesn't believe to understand.
no subject
Another mocking laughter escapes from her and J leans her head back a bit to, looking him from head to toe with more measuring and critical eye. There's a small spark of pity and sorry for the poor boy, holding on to his faith so tightly when his appearance made him look nothing but God's lame joke. Well, if it keeps him going who is she to judge.
Except.]
Ha! In my experience it's different. Asking for it won't help unless you'll do the change. So, how are you going to change this? [Her nail presses harder against the rough skin before letting go of him]
But then again, you're right. How would I know anything about God? But I'll tell you I know bullshit when I smell it. And didn't you already say so yourself, hm? That we all have sinful acts that we enjoy?</>
no subject
She's scrutinizing him and Kurt can sense the condolence. Whether it's mocking or not, he isn't sure because he doesn't bother looking up at J until she 'ha's at him. He opens his mouth to say something, hesitates when the nails press harder into his marred flesh then withdraws with a surprised yelp.
Causing himself pain seems like something different than that, although is he stepping backwards because of J touching him or was there another reason - like how he'd raised his hands to cup his cheeks, averting his gaze to the floor once again at the challenging tone in her voice.]
That ... that is what I said, ja. Why does it matter to you how I look or how God will judge the choices I've made? You have no reason to concern yourself about whether I'm going to hell or not.
no subject
I don't care where you end or whatever. You can cut and hit yourself with a whip as much you like but-- [She pauses, inhaling deep before blowing the air out heavily between her lips. A few small accidental sparks slip out.]
But don't go acting like you're good or something more than what you really are.
no subject
His lips twitch, fangs baring with a small growl, both hands curling into fists at his sides.] I have never acted as if I am flawless or even a little bit gut. I have only ever been myself and should others accept me for who I am? Great. If not, even better, considering I don't need that sort of negativity around. I got enough of it from the-- [a beat, his features twisting into discomfort,] ... I got enough of it.
[Were he a more brash type of individual, Kurt might have reached for her wrist, pulled her back in and muttered something far more caustic, but he's not. Alternatively, he falls silent, looking uncomfortably tight-lipped before he clears his throat and backpedals another few paces.] I'm not gut. I've done things - terrible things that I cannot rectify and for the rest of my life, I will live with that. I never ask for anything, but if there's one thing I would ever wish for someone to understand, it would be that I'm not this charming, silver-tongued devil that everyone tries to make me out to be.
[He releases a harsh breath, takes another step back and reaches around to find the doorknob.] I'd also prefer it if people would get to know me before they decide to judge me for what I am, [another pause, the glint in those iridescent eyes sharpening,] because while I may be bad, by God, I'm sure trying to do my best to not be. Don't assume that you know as much.
[There it is - all laid out in a neat little pile for J to see. Kurt hasn't thought of himself as a 'decent' sort of being for a long time, having been forced to flee from his family, struggling with the circus in Munich, then the fight club in Berlin, both of his battles with Angel ... He's hurt people, made others bleed, taken their lives to protect his own and his friends. For the latter, he would sacrifice everything, but himself? Why, it felt almost selfish of him to want to live.
He stands there a moment longer, completely silent, except for his labored breathing. His head shakes and he pivots to face the door, clenching his fingers around the handle and pulling it open.] ... enjoy your chocolate, miss J.
[Then, unless she decides to stop him, he's out of there as quickly as he can manage.]