03 | audio; forwarded to the 8th

[takeitslow]

It’s almost funny how you guys are rallying around Rinzler lately. All this talk about how what we did wasn’t right, how we need to fix the system here, how we need to be better people. So much outrage, you guys seemed like you really cared a lot about free will and doing the right thing.

And I could have bought it, I really could have, if it weren’t for what happened a few months ago. When the captains did the same thing to someone on board and well, I checked because surely if you’re so upset now it must have been all out war back then. [A small, hollow laugh.] But no. You guys were pretty calm about it. Not even a peep.

And so I started thinking, why? I mean, free will matters right? Justice matters.

There had to be some reason you cared more about what we did to a robot than a mutant, right? Because that’s what he was. A mutant. You even voted to suppress his mutation. Cure him. Temporary of course, because you’re not evil.

It's just, we are. We’re threats. We’re uncontrollable, dangerous. It’s not like we’re real people. Not like Rinzler. [He starts to get louder, faster. Something close to hysteria starting to seep through.] Our free will and DNA and heads, they’re okay to mess with! It’s okay to go after us! Not with a person like Rinzler though. I mean, there’s just a few of us, so it makes sense right? There’s so many of these robots and computers, and you humans out there made them. And that computer can attack and hurt people like us and whatever! The rest of you got to protect your tools.  Got to be able to use them again.

We’re different and everyone always fears what’s different. That’s what it is right? Right? Either that or you’re just a bunch of damn hypocrites pretending majority rule has ever been good for the rest of us. Just rather call out people like me and sit on your asses than ask yourselves why this kind of shit was let go on so long and why you never did anything before! Rather take it out on people trying to do something, trying to survive than fix your own damn mistakes!

So come on. [There's no pretense of calm anymore, but the rushed tone is gone. He speaks slowly, pronouncing each word with vitriol. He wants to be sure he's not misunderstood, that people are listening.]  Which is it?

Comments

[skelepun]

[Hands held up -- partially in defensiveness, partially out of some misplaced instinct to physically hold Peter in one piece -- Sans looks particularly exhausted.]

I hear you. But I'm wondering if you being the face of this little revolution is really the best call.

[takeitslow]

Why not? They already hate me. Who else should be talking about it? Billy? Over my dead body.

[Not the best choice of words right now, but he steamrolling ahead. It's a small miracle he's not vibrating out of his skin, with how he can't keep still despite standing in one place.]

Something has to be done before this place ends up just like home!

[skelepun]

I don't think they hate you, kiddo, but they sure don't like you right now.

[Rubbing at the crease of his nasal bone, Sans sighs. He's not mad, and it shows. He's worried.]

I'm not saying don't say this stuff. Be you, kid, beat the drum. But I'm gonna guess you're not trying to start a war against AI around here. Believe it or not, I'm pretty sure they haven't had an easy time of it either.

[takeitslow]

[He's pretty sure Sans is wrong on that. But it's okay. It's like Charles had said, he's a pain in the ass and everyone he met knew it. Peter knew it. He's never had many people like him until he came here. He can handle the ire again.]

It's seem like they're getting it easier than some of us.

[It would come off like a kid not getting his way, wanting to stomp his feet and scream that someone else had better toys, if it weren't for how defeated he sounded.]

I don't want to fight them. I even like some of them! [But his respect for them isn't the same, not after Rinzler. Their person-hood doesn't ring the same as humanoids or the aliens or the monsters.] But people care more about them, about Rinzler, than the people they get to hurt. It's not right. What happened to Ade wasn't right. Their lives shouldn't matter more.

[skelepun]

[Hands shoved deep into his pockets, Sans gives Peter an even look. He knows that tone. That's a teenager's tone. Papyrus was twenty now, and he was never this difficult, but that petulance is something Sans has his fair share of experience with.]

Someone's always getting it worse or easier, depending on the day. Some days I walk through this ship, it's like I might as well be among a bunch of monsters for all anybody cares. Other days, I've gotta field an interrogation about my anatomy works. Bad days, I got people thinking I want to hurt 'em 'cuz I don't have skin or sticking their hands in my sockets. It's just how it is. Good days and bad days.

It's not a contest, kid, and pickin' fights over whose getting shit on the hardest is how the ones doing the shitting get off scott free.

[takeitslow]

But it's not how it should be! No one should be messing with you because you're different. You shouldn't be expected to take it. That's not how the world's supposed to work.

[Except it was how it worked. And no amount of him complaining would change that.

Maybe the maniac he broke out of jail had a point.]

Then tell me who? Who should I pick a fight with? Who do I go to so I can make it better?

[Tell me who to fight. Tell me how to change it.

He's angry and hurt. There's something ugly building up in him, fear and guilt clawing at the inside of his chest. Trying to find its way out and to a target.

Tell me what to do.]

[skelepun]

Kid. [It's rare to hear Sans raise his voice. Even now, this barely qualifies. Still, there's a crease between his eye sockets that wasn't there before.] I ain't puttin' out a hit. I'm tryin' to...

[He takes a breath, squeezing between his eye sockets even tighter than before. It's a fleeting moment, and Sans looks back up after with his usual expression. Well, perhaps a little more insistent than usual.]

I'm a grown ass man, kid. I can take it. I don't go pickin' a fight with every person who asks me what I've got in my pants, 'cuz nobody's got the energy for that.

[A beat.]

Present company excluded. But man, that's what I'm trying to say. You've got a lot in you, Peter. A heck of a lot. Why're you using that to draw lines in the sand when you could be using it to bring people together?

[takeitslow]

I can't.

[He never could, no matter what Wanda wants to tell him. He's not his siblings Pietro, no matter how many stories they try to sell him about the man's screw ups. He's not the guy who saves people, he's not the guy who joins fancy teams and has kids look up to him.

He's no hero. He's so tired of people pretending he could be.]

You saw what I did. All of that with Erik or Magneto or whatever the hell he's calling himself, that's on me. I can't bring people together. I cause problems. So I might as well make a problem worth causing. At least if I'm loud enough maybe someone will listen and change things.

I got to make up for that.

[skelepun]

You can think that all you want. I'm not gonna judge you for it. [A lie, but Sans looks uninterested in carrying on an argument he knows he can't win. Not right now, anyway. It was up to Peter to find the goodness in himself, or else embrace the absence of good.

Sans knew which side he was rooting for, hands shoved deeper into his pockets.]

But you're full of shit.

[Remember what he said about not judging? Well, about that.]

[takeitslow]

[It's not the first time he's heard that, not by a long shot. It's the kind of thing he's come to expect over the years, something he usually laughs off. He's not laughing now.

There was some part of him waiting for this. He had a tendency to annoy people, to make people get fed up with him and his antics. It's not surprising.

He shrugs like he can physically push off the hurt, expression wavering between the defensive need to smile to pretend he doesn't care and something more vulnerable.]

You can think that all you want.

[skelepun]

[Sans is smiling, because he physically can't do anything else, but it's strained and his brow is drawn down low.

He's not angry, for all part of him might look at it. But the frustration is palpable.]

Look kid, I love ya. And I'm gonna keep on doing that, 'cuz that's just how it is. But this chip you got on the shoulder, the one that says you're no good or whatever. All those assholes causing you grief back home? You're letting 'em win with that attitude.

Pushing people away because they did something that hurt you, 'cuz you think they're just gonna hurt you worse? 'Cuz you think it's some kind of inevitable? I dunno, kid. I dunno how much what I say means to you, but I saw that little girl's eyes, how she looked up at you.

Make a liar outta me, sure, whatever. I've been wrong before and it'd suck if I was wrong about you but I'd be alright. That girl, though? I like to think she's got an edge on me for knowing what you're really about. And it ain't this.

[takeitslow]

[Someone he cares about is saying that they love him, it should be a good moment. It should be something that embarrasses him, makes that particular kind of happy he gets whenever someone praises him not for his power, but his personality or asks for him to stick around after he knows he's been there long enough to wear on nerves. That kind of childish glee from feeling wanted.

This just makes him feel like throwing up.]

Don't.

[He doesn't want to think about her in this. Not the ugly world he's left for her or what will happen once she's old enough to understand what part her brother has played in it. He doesn't want to imagine explaining the violent extremes he's went to on this ship or how it might finally tip the tide and put that same look in her eyes Wanda had when he woke in the medbay. She's the only person he's never disappointed. He doesn't want to think that he's done that now. But that's all he can think about.

He can't reconcile that ideal he knows she had of him with who he is now, just like he can't do the same with the person his siblings had in their worlds.]

Sans, don't.

[He wants to run. The conversation cuts too deep and it's hard to hold onto his anger when everything the other is saying just makes him feel sad. Without the anger burning everything else out of the way he's brittle, guilty and terrified, and he doesn't want to feel that way. He takes another step back, muscles tense.

He'd rather run from the truth than face it.]

[skelepun]

[The edge in Peter's voice is palpable. Not cruel, not dangerous, but something else. Wounded, maybe. The kind of tension around a dog that's been hurt enough times it stops trusting when a stranger holds out a hand to pet them.

In that moment, Sans questions if he's doing the right thing. Almost immediately, his mind supplies the answer: Of course you're not. Look at the kid. In what universe do you think this is your responsibility? Look how you've already managed to make him look at you. You're not the guy's Dad. You're not his big brother. Hell, you barely qualify as a friend, when it gets right down to it.

That's how it should be. You've got rules on meddling for a reason. Here's the rule: don't.

Grimacing, Sans casts his eyelights down towards the ground, hands shuffled deeper int his pockets.

He says nothing.]

[takeitslow]

[Sans does exactly like he asks, says nothing, and Peter still feels like shit. The silence doesn't feel any better than the lecture, feels louder somehow. And worse that Sans hasn't just stopped talking but he's not even looking at Peter. It's strange how much it hurts to disappoint someone.

One step back becomes another, and another, and the hallways passes the the same slow motion he's known for most of his life. Sans is still standing there, growing smaller in Peter's gaze until something shifts in his chest and he has to turn around. Look away himself and allow himself a burst of speed to put distance between them. Believing that somehow it will be easier when he's not looking at the person he thinks might have the most right to judge him, easier when he's out of range of the person speaking the most sense. That it will be easier if he runs and runs until he leaves his problems behind.

Turns out, it's actually a hell of a lot harder.]