McDonell Benedict "Kazuhira (和平)" Miller (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
warandpeace) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
thisavrou2017-10-24 03:59 pm
warandpeace) wrote in thisavrou2017-10-24 03:59 pm
VIDEO
[Kaz almost never does a video post, but today is an exception. The view opens up with him positioning the camera on a level surface (a stool) and he backs away from the view to settle on his own seat. Behind him, the wall of the stage in the Hall of Music, and he has his two commissioned speakers and the special guitar gifted to him by Eggsy a full two years ago settled in his arms loosely, though his hands aren't in position yet. He has a half-full bottle of something he's already drunk too much of on one of the speakers. Hence why this is a video post, and he's willing to do this in front of people and trying to provoke some help.]
I was hoping that a friend of mine would turn up late. No such luck.
[Kaz has been feeling his friendships slimming again, through whichever misfortune is at fault, and he's very guilty of keeping people close to his chest. A constant sense of loss that he can never quite shake, because the world always feels a less for not having them around. One less rich accent to complain about mild inconveniences in a humorous, dismissive way. One less person to fuss over the quality of fabric or the quality of character. Losses that leave gaping flaws that Miller is constantly aware of.]
I realized that I didn't have the chance to tell him about one of my favorite musicians. I don't know that he would have enjoyed his music, but I think he would appreciate the man's undefeatable outlook on life.
So this is for Dorian. And I need some back-up from anyone who knows this battle song of my culture.
[Nyx probably would have appreciated it, too. For people who know it, it's probably obvious what he's about to do when he starts the Stomp Stomp Clap. Stomp Stomp Clap.] Buddy you're a boy make a big noise. Playin' in the street gonna be a big man some day...
[He'll go to the very end, thank you. And while he's no Freddy Mercury and could use the help singing, even if he's drunk he'll rock that guitar solo at the end.]
I was hoping that a friend of mine would turn up late. No such luck.
[Kaz has been feeling his friendships slimming again, through whichever misfortune is at fault, and he's very guilty of keeping people close to his chest. A constant sense of loss that he can never quite shake, because the world always feels a less for not having them around. One less rich accent to complain about mild inconveniences in a humorous, dismissive way. One less person to fuss over the quality of fabric or the quality of character. Losses that leave gaping flaws that Miller is constantly aware of.]
I realized that I didn't have the chance to tell him about one of my favorite musicians. I don't know that he would have enjoyed his music, but I think he would appreciate the man's undefeatable outlook on life.
So this is for Dorian. And I need some back-up from anyone who knows this battle song of my culture.
[Nyx probably would have appreciated it, too. For people who know it, it's probably obvious what he's about to do when he starts the Stomp Stomp Clap. Stomp Stomp Clap.] Buddy you're a boy make a big noise. Playin' in the street gonna be a big man some day...
[He'll go to the very end, thank you. And while he's no Freddy Mercury and could use the help singing, even if he's drunk he'll rock that guitar solo at the end.]
no subject
If it's who I'm thinking of, I can assure you they're very happy together. Two years strong, last I spoke to them.
[Come to think of it, he realizes he hasn't seen Bull around recently either, with a pang of guilt. What kind of friend has he been not to notice? And he was wasting time fixated on them not knowing him? That's just more evidence of his selfishness, isn't it.
He hopes that they both made it back the way people usually do, when the rumors say they return home safe and sound. He hopes neither of them were caught on the planet when it was destroyed.]
I'm glad he found a friend with you. I... hadn't been one, when I should have. [They had been close, once. Or at least he'd been close with the Dorian he remembers.]
no subject
[He's glad to hear that Dorian's future with Bull wasn't something he should be nervous of. He remembers their discussion about it. He hoped for the best, but it's so hard to say. He's loved passionately and had it turned on him. After everything, Dorian deserved one true chance at love.]
[A man who sold himself and found love with someone who was branded an enemy by his people? Not unlike Kaz's own mother. But in Dorian's case, the end is infinitely more hopeful.]
I needed someone and he needed someone. And now he's gone. So... this is the last bit of friendship I can give him.
Hold on.
[He leans forward and turns off the camera so no one will see his face, because he knows it's hitting him even through the buzz. Dorian was a person that had made the hard times bearable.]
no subject
It also lends an extra bit of distance to the conversation, if Lavellan can't see Kaz's expressions. Even if he'd rather just go back to text; there's few things more detached than that.]
I... well, when I first arrived, it came out that we'd come from different points in time. He was behind. Or I was ahead? [A nervous, humorless laugh.] I told him some things about the future that weren't all that pleasant. He'd asked, but--
[He trails off.]
Then I... made it a point to avoid him, because it turned out no one here I knew actually knew me, and it was... sensitive. [They'd been good friends back home, after all. And, suddenly, a niggling doubt emerges, as he realizes that Dorian had actually never quite reacted with the surprise of the rest...
Had Dorian actually known him the whole time, and Lavellan had ruined the friendship for no reason? And now it was too late to address it. Just one more thing on Lavellan's list of grave mistakes.]
As I said. I hadn't been a friend to him.
no subject
[Kaz isn't sure whether he helped or not.] I remember him looking for someone to talk to.
But let me get this straight. You fished for information on Snake when I was drunk [yeah, he does recall that even as he's drunk now (he's not sure what he thinks of it in retrospect because he's never been in a relationship before, but coupled with knowing about Dorian it rubs him a little raw)] but you abandoned your own friend from home with the truth?
[Because Truth Hurts. Dave had been honest with him, but the difference is Dave had stuck by him. He hadn't left him with the hard fact that Kaz would die alone and victorious in his own disgusting way. Being alone hurts, and while Dorian was a charismatic man who commanded a lot of friendships on the surface, sometimes it was obvious how lonely he truly was.]
And you probably weren't there when Bull left?
no subject
I--
He didn't seem that upset--
[But he cuts himself off, because Kaz is right. There's no excuse. As if covering up his pain and upset with flippant remarks and turning concern onto other people isn't how Dorian operates--Lavellan knows that. Should have known that. But he'd been blind.
Blind and selfish. He's always been so selfish. And there's nothing he can say in his own defense; the evidence is plenty damning.
What right did he really have to call himself a friend of anyone?]
no subject
When did he ever seem upset?
[Kaz had seen him upset a few times, but it was a remarkable exception that Dorian would allow that of himself. Right place in the right time during a trying period. But he'd felt a little terrible about it- Every time Dorian opened up, spilled out to him, Kaz would require such an explanation to understand an ounce of their world. It might have been nice if Dorian had someone that didn't require a history lesson when he shared an ache.]
[He almost asks him if he'd seen his broadcast the day he was taken over by a shadow, the demon that replaced him and wounded him. Kaz had brought Nyx and Venom in with no idea what they'd been facing. What if someone could have known? But he doesn't, because at least his inebriated mind remembers that wasn't all that long after Lavellan damaged the Ingress. He has no idea how long the intermediaries locked him away.]
There's nothing we can do for him now, I guess.
[Not even a dumb song will amount to much outside of honoring someone's memory.]
no subject
As it is, even if Kaz backs off somewhat, the damage has been done. He should have tried harder, should have done more, but he was too wrapped up in his own self-pity to think about other people.
He always realizes these things too late.]
No.
[And he disconnects without warning or ceremony.]