text; jan 2

[backsassin]

[It’s one of those nights. Zam tosses and turns, shifts between forms around half a dozen times, and even tries to meditate the way they’d learned with the Mabari. Nothing helps. Their mind keeps churning with thoughts and questions, completely obliterating any chance of sleep. Eventually, they sit up with a frustrated sigh and activate their MID. They don’t know if anyone will be up to respond, but maybe getting their thoughts out will help nonetheless. At least they’re sober enough this time to keep their late night ramblings confined to text, rather than waking everyone up with a video message.]

I’ve been thinking

I know most of the people on this ship aren’t dead. Or at least they don’t remember dying. But I am. Dead, I mean. And it wasn’t one of those deaths where there’s room for ambiguity.

Which is why when I first got here, I thought it was some kind of afterlife. And in some ways, it still seems like that. But let’s say it isn’t. Let’s say it’s a real, physical ship and that the captains are really going to try and get us all home.

What’s going to happen to me? [Even just typing the question fills Zam with a cold sense of dread.] I died. If the ship actually manages to get me back to my galaxy or universe or whatever it is, am I just going to die again? And if I don’t, what about the me that’s dead in an alley somewhere? Will they still be there? Or will it be like all of that never happened and I’m the only one who remembers it?

Or what if I can’t go back and I just have to stay on the Moira forever? Is that why the captains chose me? Because I can’t go back?

I don’t know if anyone on this ship has the answers. Maybe not even the captains know for sure. But so many people want to go home. And I don’t even know if I have anything to go home to.

{OOC: The post will still be up in the morning for anyone who was asleep when it was originally posted.}

Comments

[manyvoiced]

Maybe you should think about it. You don't have to have it all figured out, but...it can help to have a course to follow.

[backsassin]

I am thinking about it. I can’t stop thinking about it. That’s the problem.

[manyvoiced]

[Ah, that would be a problem.]

When you can't stop dwelling on something, I find that it's best to focus on goals. Do you have any goals as a member of this crew?

[backsassin]

[They don’t, actually. It’s hard to think about your future when you’ve already died and even if that weren’t the case, Zam’s never been the type to plan ahead. Which is what makes their current preoccupation on the future all the more stressful.

They do at least make an attempt to think of something though.] Keeping all my remaining limbs attached would be nice.

[manyvoiced]

A good goal. [A joke, but also quite serious. Sometimes the only goal that mattered was continuing.] Before I came here, I had just done the last thing - the only thing - I had to do. I don't know what's ahead, either back there or here. The best we can do is just take one step and then the next.