text; (locked from nathan drake)

[tearsinajar]

[ It's been two weeks since she's woken up in the Complex, the effects of her cryostasis wearing off, finally. The effects of her death and resurging, that's another story. Her throat and lungs aren't feeling so raw but the latter still feels rough. At least she no longer feels like she's going to choke with each breath she takes. And the hacking up blood has stopped. On the other hand, the nightmares of the exact moment don't come as often but they're there.

They're always there. ]

I was always under the impression that when you died, you stayed dead. There were no second chances. Maybe I haven't come to terms with it. I've come close to death's door too often but never like that.

Has anyone ever...?

[ If anyone here has died and returned, wouldn't asking bring back unpleasant memories? Elena's aware of that, unfortunately there's only been one other person whom she's been able to talk to who can relate.

This isn't something she can talk to Nate about because of how sensitive a topic it is between them still, and that's why she's locked the post from him. She needs to know if there are others.

Plus there's just one more thing... ]

My wedding ring also seems to be missing... It's plain silver and has an engraving on the inside. It's been missing since I woke up in the Complex.

If it's shown up anywhere then please, I'd appreciate a heads up.


( ooc; the ring is gone forever, and although the post is locked from older!nate, it's still free game for anyone who knows him to bring up the post/topic/any conversation to him. c: )

Comments

[tearsinajar]

While I am grateful to be back, I'm having trouble adjusting. Physically and mentally. I don't know how long that will take to fix.

[ She doesn't want to say out loud that she thinks she's better off dead. That wouldn't be fair to some. ]

[squadgoals]

Helps if you don't think of it as being broken. You're you, but things have changed.

Think of it like coming back home after you've been away for a while. Same place, but a lot has happened. You can't help but feel a little differently about where you are. Maybe happy. Maybe uncomfortable. Maybe both.

You've got the luxury of time. Don't force yourself to skimp on it.

[There's a pause as she stares at her own messages, tapping a finger on the back of the device. Was this helpful? Would she have wanted to hear this, waking up on Lazarus Station?]

My apologies if I'm overstepping.

[tearsinajar]

I wouldn't call it the luxury of time but more the luxury of second chances. You don't ever get that. Ever. Once you're dead, that's it.

That's the frightening part.

What happens when I go home? It's such a hard concept to grasp now — here, in this reality, I've died. PHYSICALLY and mentally died. The emotional trauma is there and it will always be there until I learn to push it down and find the right moment to move on. But back home, in another reality, I'll be alive until something comes along or else until I'm ninety-six years old surrounded by loved ones and three kids with four grandkids and six great-grandbabies.

[ On her end, she sighs and pauses to pinch and rub at the bridge of her nose. How she'd typed all of that, who knows. If anything, Elena feels bad for Shepard who has to read all those messages popping up as her fingers had flown over the keypad to get out her thoughts. ]

Sorry. You're not overstepping. I'm the one who should apologize for going on a tangent.

[squadgoals]

No apology necessary.

I have it on good authority that when your signature eventually pulls you back to your own universe, you forget everything that happened here.

Does that help, or make it worse?

[tearsinajar]

[ That just might make it unknowingly worse. Good thing this isn't video or audio. ]

I don't know. That just leads me to believe that everything that happens here is for nothing.

[squadgoals]

Although it might not make a difference to us when we return to our own pull point, it makes a difference to us in the here and now.

We can hide away and wait, or we can do our best to improve on the hand we're dealt, and maybe a few more people's along the way.

After all, nothing here has ever been typical or set in stone.

[tearsinajar]

I've learned things about my future that might not even matter. It's almost like it's a 50/50 chance of any of it actually happening in the reality where I'm from.

But I guess you're right. Nothing is ever set in stone. It just honestly doesn't help this wall of depression that I've hit since I came back. It feels like nothing can make it better, though what's the point in sitting around thinking it will?

[squadgoals]

I'm here, even if you just want to talk.

I have a little background in second chances.

[tearsinajar]

There's nothing to really talk about. I have a daughter, later in life. We seem to settle down, I think. It's always been hard to tell with Nate, whether he's coming or he's going.

[ That was always her problem with him, the running away, the lack of commitment. Agreeing to marry but throwing it all away. ]

So much has happened here that I feel like we're blurring some kind of a line in realities. Is this a second chance? Dying and coming back, I know that's a second chance but for what? And why?

How did you bounce back after? What do I need to do?

[squadgoals]

[It's easy to let Elena talk. Harder to answer. She takes as much time as she can, drawing out her response time between messages, stepping back from the grisly details of her own reality.]

You don't bounce back.

The truth is, I didn't have time to think about it. I was alive, and then I wasn't, and then I was, but it was two years later. The human brain isn't designed to process that, much less the fallout from your personal relationships during the time you're "dead".

To me, it wasn't a second chance. Just a continuation. To be fair, I didn't know my future, but I knew that I had to keep going forward, no matter where I was picking up the threads from.

[She stares at the messages, hitting SEND, one after another. Just a continuation. And she was on number three.]

Don't know how much that helps. All I know is that if you think about it too much, you'll drive yourself crazy.

The important thing is, here and now, you're alive. And that to us, you're you.