text; + action options; (cw character death)

[sketchycharacter]

[locked to people who know Elena Fisher]

elena's dead

[....yeah that's all. Odds are good that Nate will not want to reply to questions, condolences or comments regarding the recent tragedy, though Chloe Frazer might. However, he can be found...]

wandering; Once the shock has passed—if it ever does—Nate wanders for hours. Fuck, maybe days, he doesn't know. He just doesn't want to go back to the house in Region 1 where she isn't.

Eventually he finds himself in a well-wooded park. For lack of anything else to do, he climbs a tree.

at home; When he finally does make it back, Nate parks his ass on the couch, where he'll be sleeping until—well, he can't count on there being an "until." Maybe he'll just live on the couch forever. Sorry, Pepper, Varric, etc.

at the ingress complex; Nate comes by the facility a couple of times, to ask for news or if they can guarantee that they'll be able to bring her back, because he knows that people have returned, and he knows that they don't always.

He walks away both times, unable to stand it if the answer is no.]

Comments

[otiosity]

[Hawke nods and pulls off her own shirt and kicks off her pants and changes into a light tank top and shorts for sleeping. There's no feeling of awkwardness or being uncomfortable. This is Nate. He's safe. He doesn't judge or cut at her. And right now he needs help.

As Hawke changes, Kitty rests his head on Nate's knee sensing, as animals do, that he needs comfort and a friend. When Hawke climbs into the bed and lays down on her back. Kitty jumps in too, settling himself on the end of the bed, there to protect them both from what he can.

For a few moments, there's nothing but quiet. Just the sound of them both breathing, Nate with exhausted sighs, and Hawke with slightly stuffy inhales. Finally, she speaks her eyes on the ceiling and not him so he can have some privacy.]

After Mother died, I didn't go home either. Not for a month. I couldn't be in that empty house without her. I went from house to house, whomever would take me. Varric, often. Then I got pneumonia and was stuck in his suite for a few weeks. I don't really recommend that part though.

So you can stay here as long as you'd like.

[She doesn't remember much of it, honestly. And what she does remember is pretty shitty. The nasty chill of an early an early winter, waking up from nightmares, screaming until she coughed so hard she vomited and cracked a rib. It was painful and miserable and it was still a lot less of both than she deserved.]

[sketchycharacter]

[Nate kicks his shoes off but leaves his pants on when he crawls in bed. Is it because of some really off-the-mark propriety or because he's just that out of energy tonight? Who knows. Between him, Hawke and Kitty (mostly Kitty) it's a crowded bed, but that's fine. He doesn't need the space.

At first he doesn't respond to Hawke, just stares up at the dark ceiling. Sleepovers with a friend can't do anything to help. Nothing will change what's happened, or fill up the looming nothingness that he sees when he imagines a life without her. There's no right thing for anyone to say.

Funny how a mess like Hawke can say the closest thing to right.]

I didn't even know that anything had happened until after. I always though, if something bad...I thought that I would know.

[otiosity]

[Hawke runs a hand across her stomach. Nate's words make her stomach churn as they revive memories and feelings that she didn't even know she had buried. She remembers watching her father waste away on his bed and her mind trying to comprehend what she was seeing.

She remembers the feeling of connecting the dots about the killer and her mother and wishing more than anything she was wrong.]

...You can't really imagine it until it happens. There's nothing really to prepare you for it. Anyone for it.

[sketchycharacter]

[She's not wrong. He expected the words, saw them coming, but that doesn't make them less true. But they don't make it any better, either.]

I should have been with her.

[otiosity]

And that's the thought that's going to haunt you. Well, one of many. Always thinking about what we could have done. What could have been different. There's no amount of reason I could give that would change it. It just fades.

[Hawke's voice is unusually solemn to the point where it almost seems like it belongs to someone else. Sadly, this is something she's well acquainted with. She thinks every day about what she could have done to save each and every member of her family.

It's just more fleeting now than it used to be.]

[sketchycharacter]

[She's not wrong. Hell, she's actively right, even if he doesn't completely believe it.]

Feels like it's going to stay like this.

[Nate's not arguing with her. She's been here, after all. It's just a quiet statement of fact: he can't imagine never feeling this burning guilt and shame that he wasn't there when Elena needed him.

He sighs and rolls slightly onto his side, facing away from Hawke. Somehow he's suddenly not sleepy even though he's exhausted.]

[otiosity]

I know. Life would be too easy if we didn't suffer. Or something stupid like that.

[And that's all she wrote. Err, said. Nate may not be able to sleep but Hawke is exhausted from searching for him and exhausted from laying part of herself so emotionally bare. There's few people in the world she'd do it for so Nate is lucky in the most unlucky way. At least for now. Elena will come back. Or at least that's what Hawke wants to believe.

Soon her breathing gets deep and heavy as she falls into sleep. For a bit she's asleep on her back, snoring softly, before she rolls over closer to Nate, so her forehead is brushing his shoulder. She's curled up on her side with her arms pulled close to her chest and knees slightly bent in fetal position.

It's funny that even Hawke can look almost innocent when she sleeps.]

[sketchycharacter]

Yeah.

[It's good that Hawke doesn't press for more conversation, because he doesn't have more in him. Closing his eyes, all he can hope for is that he sleeps long and without dreams, if he's able to sleep at all.

It happens for her first. Nate knows the sound of even breathing that means someone has nodded off. Which might make it mean more when she curls up close against him—it's not just her conscious mind trying to make him feel better.

It helps as much as anything can. Which is more than almost anyone else could do right now. It still takes a while for his exhausting to win out over the racing of his mind, but his friend's warm presence against his back is a small comfort. And when he does sleep, he only has one or two nightmares.]