thisavrou | 001 ɞ video

[It's not the same as before where he'd woken up with a light breeze on his skin causing his too-long hair to dance across his forehead, and the sweet, dry smell of fruit trees. No, it's blue light and too much wind. There's nothing normal about that. The communication device strapped to his hand is cold. Bucky's used to not remembering things, but the long hall and unfamiliar faces tell him something's off. There's a million explanations going through his mind and none of them make any sense except one and he doesn't want to think about that.

Bucky goes through the motions. Steels himself while he's checked out. Signs the contract. Lets someone take him to his room and then walks the halls. Now back in his room, he clicks on the MID. His face is half-hidden and voice low. He wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't necessary. He's combed every inch of this goddamn ship and he can't find Steve anywhere.]

I'm looking for someone. Tall. Blond. Loves America.

[It's risky to put it out there. He doesn't know these people and trust isn't something he gives easily. But he needs to find someone he remembers. Someone from Wonderland. Someone from back home. Everything is muddled and this place looks like something his mind has made up.]

His name's Steve.

[There's a brief pause.]

If someone could tell me what the hell's going on here, I'd appreciate it.

[The feed cuts off.]

[ooc: this bucky is a crau from another game. he thinks that he never left his previous game world and that it is during an 'event'. i'm so sorry if he confuses anyone.]

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No, I-- [ Maybe he's just now seeing it. ] Where are you?

[ Bucky has so much shit to sort through, but chief on his mind right now is this: ] Did Andyr hurt you?

Why didn't you tell me?

[ So maybe Bucky's more abrupt than he wants to be, but he's confused and scared and angry and lost, and the things andyr's listed down makes him sick. ]

He didn't hurt me. [ Most of that isn't even true, and what had happened the few times they were together had been Steve's own fault. Which is also why he'd said something to him. ] Bucky, I'm fine.

[ He frowns. ]

Tell me where you are.

Is that true?

[ Because Andyr seems pretty damn honest when he says it. Steve is so far south from fine, and Bucky's sick and tired of being lied to. To know that he's been hurt that puts him even more on edge, and he scowls right back at him. ]

He sounds damn sure of what he just said. Are you protecting him?

[ From Bucky? ]

[ This is just getting worse, and he doesn't know what to do to stop the snowball from rolling downhill. ]

I wouldn't lie to you. [ How many times has he said that now? ] Anyway, he made it sound worse than it was. Nothing like that happened. [ At least so intensely, and anyway, none of this is about what Andyr is saying. ]

Come on. [ His voice is softer. ] Just tell me where you are. Please?

I'll take that as a yes.

[ He says dully. Steve's protecting Andyr, of course -- he's heard the truth from the horse's mouth; not by accident, and still Steve is here telling him it's not as bad as it sounds.

He just wishes this whole thing didn't make him feel one hell of a lot worse, and alone.

He rubs at his face tiredly, and turns away from the video feed. He doesn't want to fight about this, he's too damn tired. He's staring out at the stars, listening to the voices just beyond, whispers that can't be as bad as all the thoughts that already take up residence in his head. ] I'm at the Observatory. Whatever you call it.

Okay.

[ Because there's not much else he wants to say, and Steve doesn't want to argue with him either. He's still reeling from cryo, still tired and stressed and more confused than he's ever been. It doesn't help there's the growing feeling of the ship closing in around him, a sensation he just swallows around and ignores, and by the time he gets to the observation deck, he's practically rubbed the mark on his finger raw. Still, he crosses the space between them to get closer, to look him in the eye.

He opens his mouth, closes it promptly after and sighs. ] I'm sorry.

For what?

[ Bucky's been doing the same thing absently, rubbing at where the metal's sporting the matching mark, glancing at the MID from time to time. He's calmer now, aware that Steve's only just woken up, that it's probably a lot for him too, and that he's been running interference on just about everything.

But he's still scattered and unsettled, and he's never felt more alone than he has right now, even when Steve's right here, apologising for reasons he doesn't understand. ]

Everything, I guess. [ He shakes his head, crossing his arms as he glances at Bucky before looking through the glass. How much longer are they going to be stuck on this planet before they go, he wonders. ] I wanted to... I don't know. Protecting you is something I've wanted to do since I learned you weren't dead.

[ Steve smiles, though it's rough, empty. This is a conversation they should have had a long time ago, but he'd never been sure what to say or how to say it. Always too late, no matter what (or who) it is. ] I haven't done a real good job of that since you got here, have I?

[ Bucky doesn't smile, and he regards him in silence. It's that noble spirit, or maybe it's that Steve thinks he has to atone for whatever it is that he's done wrong -- Bucky's still not sure on that, and he thinks it's ridiculous, isn't it?

Steve wants to protect Bucky, and Bucky, more than anything right now, wants to protect him in turn, and somehow that's led them to here, wherever here is. He's not naive to believe that there aren't problems; how it had been Bucky that had made the choice to leave him on the banks of that river. Had Steve tried to look for him? He probably did.

And that probably hurt him, too. ]

He makes a better Bucky than I do, doesn't he? Andyr. [ The right face, the right kind of hair. More or less. Clean-shaven, younger, more like the Bucky of old, give or take some personality traits. Maybe it shouldn't be a surprise that Steve's taken to him, too. It's hard for him to say it, but it's what he thinks about. ]

[ Whatever he thinks Bucky had been about to say— that certainly isn't it, and Steve's expression falls flat incredibly fast, the pull of his brow hard on his face as his mouth draws into a frown. Whatever his relationship with Andyr, it has nothing to do with them. He doesn't see Andyr for the face he has, doesn't compare them at all because they're two completely different people, and more than anything, if he told Bucky, he just wants to help. He wants to do the right thing.

But then, for Steve, doing the right thing has always meant hurting someone, and he doesn't know how he's supposed to forgive himself for hurting one of the most important people in his life.

He drops his arms, fingers curling, and he doesn't care if it's risky reaching out to grip his shoulder. Steve just does it, finally willing to accept whatever consequences come from trying to keep Bucky glued to one place. ] Andyr is Andyr, and you're you. I'm not trying to replace you, Buck. [ It hurts him to even think it, let alone say it. ] It's always just been you and me. That's never gonna change.

[ Bucky doesn't move. It wasn't so long ago that he'd had Steve in his arms, warming him up from the cold of the cryotube and drawing him from it, worried and anxious and knowing how much they both dislike the cold -- how it reminds them of all that was stolen. He remembers how shaken Steve had been, how Bucky hadn't left his side all that much in order to help him acclimatize.

They're more comfortable with each other now than they were before, of course -- but it doesn't mean there aren't problems; problems like these, in fact, amidst all the things they can never say to each other. It's always just been you and me. Bucky looks down at his fingers briefly, aware that what he wants to ask of Steve, from Steve, is everything that he doesn't deserve. Happiness and hope are things that are beyond his reach, so what right does he have to even ask? He's a thief and at times a liar, stealing what he can from Steve, hoarding the small, bright bits for himself, precious things to remember when it gets difficult to recall just why it is he's trying. Steve is one of the few things that matter most to Bucky in here, and he deserves better.

He exhales, and decides to change the subject. Finally, he says. ] It's not your job to protect me. You'll run yourself to the ground doing that. [ And Bucky will hate it. He manages a wry, strained ghost of a smile. ] What am I gonna do about that?

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