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Something happen to your legs? [just had your medical records on the Ariel last month, Miles; there weren't supposed to be any problems with the synthetic bones, and isn't it enough they'll have to note down you've been DEAD that one time?]

Check in if there's anything you need in the meantime, all right?

[ oh, good, he needed to talk to bel about this anyway. ]

Bel -- good timing. I was about to message you. [ he's looking a little less than chipper, but more tired than anything. ] More like what didn't happen. My legs've been killing me since I came back -- so was the rest of me, when the ship was all frozen over -- it took me a while to find out why.

[ he rubs at his face, heaving out a breath. ]

The synthetics I had put in a few years back, to replace the bones in my legs? Gone. Ever since the resurgence. I just didn't know it till recently. It's just my old bones in there now. But, hey! [ miles flashes bel a blinding grin, suddenly animated again. ] I did just fine before I had 'em, and with Hiro helping me out, I think I'll be better off than I was with my old braces.

[several very blue words] I'd say that's just not possible, but you've already been pretty thoroughly dead and here you are. Mysterious cryo miracle missed a bet, did it?

[are you okay?

remembers those days, oh yes, how the Admiral would stride out of his cabin as if nothing was wrong, the pallor and quicker-than-usual patter -- and greater-than-usual time spent sitting down -- the only clue to those who knew him well that only heavy medication was holding him upright.]

He's bright, isn't he? We'll get you a new pair when we get home. Death bonus, no need to worry about Our Employer signing off on them. [a smile somewhat less blinding but thoroughly ironic tugs at Bel's lips. it's just one thing after another on this ship, isn't it. if they all suddenly grew wings and gills, it wouldn't particularly be any surprise.

but also, it feels good that Miles had been just about to call them himself. sometimes, with the Admiral, that's code for "since you found out about it anyway and it can't make things worse," but somehow it feels like this time he really means it.]

[ is he okay OF COURSE HE'S OKAY

alright so he might be a little less than okay

also he might still be propping himself up with pain medication from time to time

but miles keeps that grin on his face, until it turns into a fierce roll of his eyes. ]

To hell with that. When we get home, Our Employer is paying for a whole new set of synthetics.

[ he'll run that expense by gregor, gregor will say yes. but then his expression dims, growing heavier, and he sucks in a breath. ]

Bel, there's -- something else I need to tell you. My legs weren't the only complication from my resurgence.

No arguments here.

[frowns, leans a little closer to the screen. what, is he missing his gallbladder too? a couple of ribs? what's wrong with this place? but that expression is too deep for it to be another chunk of flesh.] What's the matter?

[ he almost wishes he'd just said something the other night, even though bel was drunk and he knows that wouldn't have gone over well, but at least he wouldn't has to talk about this now. ]

I came back with...holes in my memory. I didn't even realize it until Ivan mentioned something that I couldn't remember at all. I thought it might just be cryoamnesia, but Captain Cúrre confirmed it was a complication from resurgence.

[ she had also offered to fix it, but she refused to tell him what the hell process that was, and miles is wary of letting someone play around with his brain when he doesn't know what they're going to do. he swallows, rubbing at his throat, where the cryo prep scars should be but aren't, then he tugs up the collar of his uniform in that unconscious tic. ]

Bel, I...don't remember any Sergeant Taura.

[that curious gesture at his neck is also new, Bel has noticed. ~~alas, it predates that night, so it can't be said to be a consequence.....~~

as he speaks, Bel's watching his face with a worried look of their own. this damn place has taken too much from him. it's wrong, wrong... but even with the explanation, it takes a moment before the connection is made back to that half-drunk fragment of conversation, a moment still waiting for the penny to drop, the sentence to finish, before confused realization overtakes the concern. not to remember Sergeant Taura? that's even more unbelievable than missing bones.]

Taura, Miles -- at all? She's... granted, she just made sergeant, but Taura, everyone knew she would. She's been on the fast track ever since Jackson's Whole. I've never seen anybody learn that fast. She's the recruit we picked up there a few years ago, on the run to import that geneticist for Our Employer, the young supersoldier. Not like you'd mistake her if you saw her.

[surely that'll identify her. he couldn't possibly have forgotten pulling that girl out of the pit, any more than Bel could have forgotten Nicol.]

Edited 2016-01-15 04:24 (UTC)

[ that worried look on bel's face makes miles' stomach knot uncomfortably. he frantically searches his memory, sifting through it all for the name taura, not for the first time, but the look he gives bel is blank, then dismayed. miles' shoulders slacken. ]

I don't remember doing any job on Jackson's Whole, Bel. I don't remember us ever picking up a super soldier, or picking up a geneticist, or... [ he looks a little helpless for a moment. ] I don't remember Taura.

[baffled and dismayed as well, but even more worried at Miles's slump, the beaten look of a man run through too many mills.] That's a whole mission. You chose Ariel for a rearmaments run. Meet the new Baron Fell, secretly pick up this geneticist and run like hell before Bharaputra finds him missing. [probably Greg could corroborate the Barrayaran side, and more from whatever reports filtered back to him.] Do you remember anything before the trip? Or after?

[shivers]

Oh, Miles. You'd want to remember Taura.

[ miles figured he'd be better off to weather this now -- that it wouldn't be hard to acknowledge and tuck away while he debates whether or not to take up curre on her offer to fix all this. finding out he'd forgotten about half of what happened to him at kyril island had been a hard enough pill to swallow, it shook him up, but he managed to shove anything further off. this, though, comes like a swift kick in the stomach, especially with that look on bel's face. he never suspected he could have forgotten an entire person. he shakes his head. ]

I don't remember anything to do with a job on Jackson's Whole. I'm not even sure when this happened. [ he chews on his lower lip, gray eyes slightly distant as his mind rapidly runs through memory again, this time looking for what's not there instead of what is. maybe it'll be easier to find the hole. ]Tell me about her. About Taura.

[ it's a beautiful name, he thinks. he wonders if that's her only name, and why. ]

Damn. [glances around offscreen; the infirmary might not be the best place for this discussion, but leaving isn't an option at this point.] It was about two years ago. You were away for a while after that. Greg could fill you in on that end of things, the context. I was only there for the mission.

...Do you want to come up here?

[ he really doesn't, actually, because he doesn't want to let bel know how much this is really bothering him, but it'd be even more alarming if he refused, probably. so miles draws in a breath and nods. ]

Yeah, alright. I was meaning to come by again to see how you were doing, anyway.

[ miles has mostly swallowed down that anxiously nauseated feeling by the time he gets to the medbay. he slips in and makes his way to bel's cot, dragging a chair over to their bedside and draping himself across it in a fashion far more reminiscent of admiral naismith, despite his current barrayaran accent. god. still confusing, still fucking with him. at least he can use an expression of genuine if mild concern for bel to cover up any anxiety. ]

How're you holding up?

[actually sitting up in bed, looking much better than on the previous day, though somewhat washed out in the pale half-sleeved infirmary gown. brightens immediately as Miles strides in, stretching out a welcoming hand.]

They'll let me out soon, they say! If I'm good. [wicked smirk. being good for your sake, Miles, you know that, right? the sooner they're let out, the sooner the two of them can go on their, um, fishing expedition.

gets right to the point, though; face falls a little. it's occurred to them that there are some elements in the story which... well. there's no way to take those things back.]

So. It needs a little explaining.

We were there to pick up that geneticist, Canaba, and get him off Jackson's Whole before House Bharaputra knew he was gone. Which we did. But he refused to come without some gene complexes he'd created and stored in a live experiment of his. An experimental supersoldier, a monster gene-spliced out of human and animal tissue, sold to House Ryoval just recently. He said if you'd kill the thing for him and extract the genes, he'd cooperate. Ryoval wouldn't just sell it to us -- [an unintended grimace at the memory of Ryoval's unacceptable terms--] so you snuck in, and got caught.

When they led you out, Taura was with you.

[swallows. not proud of that day, though later parts of it had been better.]

She was... he'd described her as a horror that needed to die, and she looked it, muscled like a wrestler, eight feet tall, fanged lupine jaw, she has claws -- you know Bharaputra, 'dreams made flesh,' they'd do anything. They walked you out to trade you back to us, and you were holding her hand.

[absently reaches for Miles's hand, caught up in the world-tilting confusion of the moment again.]

Edited 2016-01-15 17:03 (UTC)

[ miles flashes a little grin back at that smirk, but his expression sobers along with bel's accordingly. he leans forward to prop his elbows on the edge of the bed, cupping his chin in one hand as he listens. bel has his rapt, undivided attention as he takes it all in, sorting and filing, trying to fill the gaps in his memory and reconstruct some coherent picture for himself. he's still hesitant about whatever it is cúrre says she can do, but if something this important is missing...

by the end of it miles seems to be staring more into the middle distance than looking at bel, eyes fixed loosely on some point just beyond their shoulder in thought, and miles taps a finger to his lip as his expression comes back into sharp focus. ]

Sounds like something I would do. [ he concedes with a slight smile, though he stills when bel's hand covers his own where it rests at the edge of the bed, his gaze dropping momentarily. his first instinct would usually be to pull back -- as politely as he can, he never intends those rejections to hurt -- but it somehow seems inappropriate this time, somehow out of place. something has shifted somewhere in the foundation. miles draws in a shallow breath and leaves his hand where it is. ]

She...sounds like one hell of a woman, I'll give you that. [ claws and fangs and all. he tries to paint a picture of her in his head, but he fails. too many pieces still missing. ] I recruited her into the Dendarii, I take it? And what's she like? Beyond being a genetically engineered terror, I mean.

It was. [grim smile] Canaba forgot to mention his 'monster' was only sixteen. Forgot to mention she could talk. Bharaputra'd raised her to be a killer, canceled the experiment, and sold her off; Ryoval threw you in the dungeon to see if she'd eat you -- she hadn't been fed for three days. And you walked her out, hand in hand, and introduced her to me as Recruit-Sergeant Taura. I was never so terrified in my life.

[fingers are curled around his, now; it's comfortable, comforting. such a small hand, to hold so many so securely. and yes, it's a gesture Bel has made at other times for specific reasons, but this is actually different.]

When we got back to the ship -- I'll have to tell you about that when we have more time, you'll appreciate the story.... [part of it, anyway, though Bel doesn't plan to leave anything out.] Canaba still thought she was his -- his property; you sent Taura with Anderson to get briefed and I don't know what you said to Canaba but he never made a peep about her again. And a Recruit-Trainee she became. I've never seen a more earnest or dedicated one. She took to the fleet as if she'd been born for it. And she was beautiful, Miles. All the way through, when you could see past her differences -- you did, from the first. [not just as claws or hunger or ferocity; seen her as a person, as herself. as he had with Bel, long ago.]

And she looked at you as if you were the sun and stars.

[a fond smile, there. knows exactly how it feels to look at Miles like that.]

...Oh.

[ the way that bel's looking at him now -- it isn't new, but it feels new somehow, and their recounting of the tale and of taura is... well, miles doesn't think he could have gotten a better picture from anyone else. bel seems to know taura, and bel knows him -- somehow, it's a much more flattering picture when bel describes it. he looks down at bel's hand. ]

I...really wish I could remember her. [ his expression sobers, quiets. he didn't realize it until bel described her, but hearing about taura now, it leaves a strange, aching hole in his heart. he doesn't know what it means, that it hurts to not to remember her so much. but he could. if he went to cúrre, he could still...

miles blows out his breath on a nod, gaze still dropped. ]

Thank you, Bel.

Edited 2016-01-16 22:38 (UTC)

Laurie taught her how to do her hair. And nails. [brief grin, fading at the quiet, unconscious longing in Miles's voice. something of her is left in him, some part of him remembers, there's no doubt in their mind. even if he can't get at the memories.] She's a tremendous asset to the fleet. But she told me.... [pats Miles's hand, and then folds theirs over the sheets; he hadn't yanked it back, but he'd been looking at it strangely, and it would be an unkindness to make him uncomfortable right now. besides, the talking, the remembering is more tiring than Bel had expected it to be.] You were the first one to give her a name.

Any time. [blinks a bit tiredly, looking over at him.] ...Are you all right? Do you think they could... fix it, somehow, whatever made this happen?

[ miles watches bel pull their away, lips parting in distant bemused surprise, but his gaze lifts back to bel's face, another kind of surprise passing over his face. his eyebrows lift slightly, and he mouths the syllables of her name. taura. ha, well, no wonder he thought it was a beautiful name. apparently he thought it up himself. a wry smile crosses his face. ]

I'm about as alright as a man with holes in his memory can be. [ he shrugs one shoulder, and he twists his lips in deliberation. ] Maybe. When I spoke to Captain Cúrre about it, she told me it was an unfortunate side effect of resurgence, and she offered to help. She said the memories could be restored. But she wouldn't tell me how. Whatever it is she can do, she won't explain it to me. [ he scoffs, shaking his head. ] I'm not exactly crazy about letting someone play around with my brain if they won't tell me exactly what it is they're doing.

[awwwwwwww his face at learning he'd come up with the name. miles why do you have to be so sweet. wishes they'd left the hand where it was, but contents themself with watching him fondly for now.]

"Unfortunate side effect." [rolls eyes, looks at him pensively.] I can understand the lack of appeal. I've always found Cúrre frank about medical matters; maybe this steps into one of the areas they all keep cagey about.

[wonders if they can pick her brains a little while they're stuck here. at least the time wouldn't be wasted....]

You think? [ miles rolls his eyes to mirror bel, letting his cheek tip against his propped up hand. ] One of these days, Bel, I'm going to blow a hole in their curtain right open, and all their secrets are going to just come spilling out.

[ he gestures vaguely with his other hand, distantly imagining something like a hole punched in the glass of an aquarium, water rushing out along with all the fish. then he sighs. ]

But until then, we're at the mercy of their cagey horseshit. I don't like it, but if I'm missing memories of an entire person... [ he shrugs. ] It's something I have to consider.

[grins that dark, wicked grin again. could watch Miles in dastardly-plans-mode forever.<3]

I'd pay to be there when you do.

[tilts head, faint laugh] Not to mention everyone else on that mission. Remind me to tell you about how we met Nicol and got kicked out of Baron Fell's house party. At least Greg can probably explain why Canaba was so important. [doesn't particularly care about Canaba, but Miles would probably want the context he'd lost.]

[ miles raises an eyebrow, but he echoes that faint laugh, shaking his head. ]

You'll have to tell me over a drink sometime, because it sounds like one hell of a story. And yeah, I -- I'll have to talk to Gregor.

[ a sigh. there are more difficult conversations he could be having with gregor. miles straightens up, running a hand back through his hair. a little long, now. he could stand to cut it again before they go down planetside. he puts a hand to bel's shoulder in a comradely gesture. ]

You get some rest now, eh? And I mean it. I'll need you in top form for our mission. [ he gives bel a crooked grin. ] Text me if anything comes up. I'll see you around, Bel.

Oh yes. [lips quirk; getting a little shaggy up there, aren't you? not that Bel's usually-ambiguous cut is doing any better. ~~another reason to keep buttoned up when in uniform. alas, the kitchen knives are too blunt to do anything about it.~~

nods -- will leave you in Greg's hands, then; he always knows what to say.]

Will do. Have some fun down there for me -- and send pictures, I'm climbing the walls. [or would be, if the effects of the blood loss had worn off yet. tilts head, cheek resting for a moment against Miles's fingers.

will text you terrible puns and make you laugh at inappropriate times. next best thing to doing it in person, yes?]

[ close enough until they get to do the real thing, at least.

miles lets bel rest against his hand for a moment before he pulls it away, warm bemusement flickering briefly across his face. it's just as soon gone, replaced with that wry grin. ]

You got it.

[ and then he's sauntering back toward the door, hands shoved in his pockets. ]

[frigging blood loss and exhaustion, can't keep eyes open, wants to be awake and doing things dammit. but it's okay. everything'll work out. can't wait for that date, Miles....

drifts off with a smile, replaying the feel of his hand against their face.]

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